Hope Springs Infertile: Now with two little sprouts!

Buzz, buzz, buzz

2011-11-15T17:11:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been a long time since I have written anything on my blog, so I totally don't blame you for wondering if I'm alive or dead! It seems like things have and haven't changed here in my household. Not the least of things I have been dealing with is my anxiety. It seems to have been on overdrive lately. But, I hope that I'm getting that under control and moving forward! I have many things that I want to overshare with you, but thought I would leave you with a quick picture from this past Halloween. The actual trick-or-treating was moved due to a freak snowstorm here in the Northeast, so the boys went out on Sunday, November 6th. That was actually nice in a way, because it was a Sunday. It also made for funny trick-or-treating because many people were watching the Patriots-Giants football game. At first I thought everyone was just dressing up in Patriots uniforms, but by the 3rd house I realized that they were keen on telling me the score, because I was obviously being deprived of watching the game by taking my kids trick-or-treating! Pretty funny!!

A and J admiring the candy that we are going to GIVE to the trick-or-treaters...

The children are 2 and all is well...

2011-08-11T20:53:00.003-04:00

Just a little note to tell you all is well. My parents have been visiting for 6 weeks and in June I went to my brother's wedding....and on July 12th the boys turned two. We are all good, if a little busy. Hopefully ill get my behind in gear sooner rather than later to post.

Sometimes I just wonder why....

2011-05-31T16:21:00.003-04:00

Does bad news come in threes?

First, my dear friend (and coworker) had her second IVF (1st FET). They transferred two very high quality embryos. Wonderfully, she found out she was pregnant. Only to find that BOTH the embryos were ectopic. Unbelievable. "Fortunately" they both resolved on their own.

Next, sweet Augusta had tragic news regarding what seemed to be such a promising pregnancy.

And now thirdly, another coworker has just informed my boss that her pregnancy of nearly 12 weeks has taken a tragic turn as well.

I hope the saying of bad news coming in threes is true, because I just don't think I can handle any more right now.

...sigh...

blog award!

2011-05-15T22:39:00.007-04:00

I am happy to say that I am the recipient of a combo blog award from St. Elsewhere, who is awesome, and strong, and did I say awesome?

I am supposed to write a 10 bullet blurb about myself and then tag others. I am a little shy on the tagging, but I'll see what I an do.

Here it goes on my end:

1. I still wonder if I'll get pregnant "naturally." Even though I have endometriosis, my ovaries are stuck by adhesions to the back of my uterus and one of my fallopian tubes is "lost" in my intestinal mass. Oh, and I have cruddy eggs. Futile optimism. Go figure. Actually, I only wonder right about the time I get my period, so I don't have to wonder very long. :)

2. I am working on getting a new job, I just need to start contacting people and get myself out there. It will be nice to be leaving the academic world!

3. I eat uncooked pasta--as a snack. Macaroni, spaghetti, whatever. I have since I was a teenager. I am not sure why, but I noticed that I start to crave it when I become anemic. Perhaps it is because pasta is iron fortified? Not sure, but I'm crunching on some now. (And yes, my family things I AM nuts. And yes, I am anemic. And no, I CAN'T hear you over the crunching of the pasta)

4. I just learned you can make s'mores in the microwave. Not great for losing weight, but great as a snack! (and they taste better than uncooked pasta!)

5. I think as a general rule, cats should be able to roam outside. I am looking at my first "son", Max, here as I type. He was sickly as a kitten, but has been in great health ever since. He turned 15 this March. I attribute a lot of his health on his outside activity. I know that it exposes him to parasites, other animals and various other dangers. But, it also keeps his mind active, his weight healthy. I think of him going outside like me dining on delicious dinners. Sure, I could go on a calorie restriction diet and live another 15 years. Or I could eat moderately and enjoy those years. I choose to enjoy!

6. I am a World of Warcraft widow.

7. My favorite color oscillates between green and blue.

8. I am only at #8, and it is 11:30pm. I need to go to bed.

9. Speaking of, I have found that a "sleep routine" has just about saved me. I generally go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Even on the weekend. Now, I don't have bouts of falling asleep during seminars (unless they are very boring!)

10. Keeping a laptop on my tummy this long upsets my stomach :( BUT I ALWAYS SEEM TO DO IT!

Many thanks again to St. Elsewhere for giving me these lovely awards. I shall now award these to some other fantastic bloggers who I would like to know more about!

http://www.myfoxyfamily.com/
http://inconceivable-pofjourneytomotherhood.blogspot.com/
http://www.sprogblogger.com/
http://howtodanceintherain.blogspot.com/
http://allinonebasket-augusta.blogspot.com/

Oh, and if you don't read Jen at Maybe if you Just relax. Perhaps you should check her out. She is an awesome woman and wickedly funny. Some of her friends are putting together a fund to help her family out (she has a 2yo daughter, and recently twins. One of which tragically was born still, while the other is putting up an astounding fight in the NICU). She is an amazing woman who would never ask for help, but could use it.

Thoughts during a DE pregnancy

2011-04-25T21:08:00.003-04:00

I think that it must be odd for any one who is pregnant--knowing that there is a small human growing inside your belly. I know it was true for me. Being pregnant was a surreal experience for me. Something that I loved, and yet was so fearful of enjoying.

After so many tries with my own eggs and with nothing to show for it. I was completely taken aback when we found out we were pregnant. It was when things were quiet that I would let my mind drift to what these boys would be like when they entered the world.

And I'll be honest. Some of the things that seemed merely academic when DH and I were discussing DE, were a little more painful when I was pregnant. A little more real.

Ol' blue eyes.

I think that it is normal to dream what your kids will look like. At least I imagined that it was. There, in front of the fire, dreamily knitting the baby booties. It is strange when you know going into it that your child won't have your hair, won't have your smile, won't have your laugh. Again, I KNEW that going into DE. I researched it. I spoke with counselors. But it was still there. As overjoyed that I was that I was pregnant. It was still there.

Because we were very interested in finding a donor who was willing to meet with the kids when they got older, we were willing to be more 'relaxed' in other areas, such as physical characteristics. While dark hair and fair skin were requirements, I didn't think too much about other attributes, such as eye color. After we got pregnant, I had this small nagging voice in the back of my head......'your children will have blue eyes.' See, I have very dark brown eyes. I come from a family with mostly brown eyes. My husband, however, has lovely blue eyes. The donor? Blue eyes.

And Blue eyes + blue eyes = blue eyes.

Although I would never would have admitted it to anyone at the time, there were moments in between all the joy of actually being pregnant of sadness of my loss of a genetic connection with my kids.

Independent people.

When I would feel sombered by this I would remind myself of....well....me. I would think of myself and say, "I'm a completely independent person from my mother, from my father. As much as I am like them, I am a completely independent person. I make my own choices, I have my own likes and dislikes." As rudimentary as that sounds, sometimes it was a revelation to me. I was my own person. And my children were going to be themselves. There was no guarantee if my husband and I were to have our own genetic children that they would be anything like us. They may love to play football, abhor school, hate art and music, detest science. Although they would share our genes, they were going to their own independent units. And wasn't that what we were hoping for anyway? Didn't we want to raise children who were self-assured. Who knew their own likes and dislikes? Who could make decisions independent of us, their parents?

The answer, of course, was (and still is) yes.

That, in the end, made my pregnancy easier. When those twinges of sadness would arise, it was this that I would focus on.

Coming next....thoughts on DE after having the twins...

Welcome ICLW

2011-04-21T12:37:00.005-04:00

Hi ICLW-ers,

To read a little about me, check out my 'Our Journey' page or read from about 3 posts ago.

I am currently writing a series (??) on what my feelings regarding conceiving via Donor Eggs has been like for me, before, during and after having my twin boys. I shall post again as soon as I can. Until then, I look forward to reading some of your stories!

Thoughts on being a DE Mom: part 2, the agency and more

2011-03-29T21:13:00.006-04:00

First off, let me say that I am so thrilled at all the comments that people left. I haven't had a lot of time to peruse others blogs recently, but I am absolutely going to visiting soon and I look forward to reading about where you are in your journey. And for those of you that signed up as a 'follower,' well, you made my day. You really did :)

Before I write about my thoughts on DE during and after pregnancy, I thought that it might be of interest to some of you as to how we picked our donor.

Picking a donor the Brenda way: picking an agency to work with

I wouldn't say that we took that long to pick a donor. It seemed like we took much longer to pick an agency. In the state where I live, the hospital does not give you a list of donors to choose from, you can choose whatever donor you like, but it is coordinated through an agency.

Since egg donation is mostly a self-governing field, there was a myriad of donor agencies to choose from. We could pick out agencies that were located in states far from our own, but would fly donors to our clinic (at our cost). We could pick agencies that were headquartered in another state, but had donors in our state. We could choose from an agency that was run by lawyers or those that were run by lay people. The costs seemed to run the gamut as well. When we were looking into DE (2008) the general recommendations were that a donor should only charge $10K or less for compensation for time. The agency fees were not established (nor do I think that they are now).

DH and I thought that we would like to pick a donor in our state, because really, if we weren't going to try to find my exact clone, then it wasn't really worth scouring the world. After talking to agencies, I created a lovely speadsheet complete with URLs of sites, passwords, info on how many donors in our area they had, what there cost structure was, etc. It was very helpful to have all of this in one area so that we could compare. We ended up talking in more detail to 2 agencies. One was run by a lawyer who touted that she followed the general donor egg guidelines (no more than $10K for compensation) and a privately run agency that was run similarly. Both were located in our area.

We spoke to both the women that ran the agencies and gave a description of what we were looking for:

features: dark hair, light skin; preferably of irish/english descent; Local to the area

We left open the age and contact availability for a later time.

While the lawyer proceeded to find us lovely women that were located all over the United States and would be willing to let us fly them and a friend to our clinic. The other agency found us lovely local women who could drive to our clinic. Since the second agency had clearly listened to our requests, we decided to go with them. In short order they had emailed us a list women along with ages, pictures and brief descriptions. We chose a half of a dozen of these women to find out more info about.

Within a few days, a packet was sent to our house which contained the profiles of these 6+ women, including pictures of them as they grew up and their medical histories. I must admit, it was really surreal looking at these women and knowing that we would be asking one of them to donate her eggs. I don't even know how to describe it. It almost felt like.....um...car shopping. I shudder to even say that. It is just that you don't know these women and you are picking a person who is going to help you achieve a dream and they are reduced to facts, figures and numbers. It felt sort of awkward and impersonal. We just prayed that we would make the right decision.

Picking a donor:

After resigning ourselves to the awkwardness of it all, I went through and made my top 4 list. DH did the same. We compared notes and found that we had 3 that overlapped. We inquired about the three, only to find that one was going through a cycle now and that she would likely not be available for a few months. That left 2. Two women of equal worth, either one of which could help us make our dreams come true.

Holly was in her early 20's; looked quite similar to me and was a proven donor.

Renee was in her late 20's; looked a little less like me, was a proven donor, was married and had two children.

We were really looking for someone that was in her mid to late 20's, preferably was a mother herself and would be willing to meet the kids when they turned 18. Upon discussing our preferred requirements with our social worker at the hospital, she told us that finding this woman was nearly impossible. Most of the egg donors are young and wish to remain anonymous. Keeping that in mind, we decided that if either woman was able to donate for us, we would be happy with whatever came our way.

I called the agency and talked to the director, telling her that we like both Holly and Renee very much, but had a couple of questions: 1) Would our donor be willing to meet the kids when they reached 18 and --a curve ball here---2) Would she be willing to meet us?

The director of the agency called back within an hour saying that Holly would prefer to remain anonymous, but Renee would be willing to meet with both us and any future kids! We had our donor!!

Next up: meeting the donor, DE pregnancy and feelings after the kids were born and now.

Also, do you have any questions for me? Are you going through the same things now? Please feel free to ask questions and I will answer them the best I can.

Thoughts on being a DE Mom: before the pregnancy

2011-03-23T20:14:00.004-04:00

First of all it is wonderful to write that word: Mom.

After all the pain of failed IVF attempts....

I have thought about writing this post for a very long time. Since before the kids were born. I have never put my thoughts down on paper (or, rather, on screen) because I have always thought that I would be able to sum it up in a few neat, well-constructed paragraphs. As I think about this, and as the kids grow, I realize that my perceptions change. My feelings about having kids via DE change. Not dramatically---they just seem to drift slightly to the left or two the right. Like walking on sand. With every step you take you are still going in the same direction, but each footfall doesn't land squarely on the sand and stay there. You feel the sand slide from under your feet and you lurch ever-so-slightly as you regain your solid footing. This is more of a journey than a destination.

DE in the beginning....

We entered the world of DE after my third attempt at IVF. Notice the word attempt. At the end of 2007 my third try at IVF was canceled due to a poor response. The letter from my doctor to sum up the last cycle was full of phrases that included "poor response to stimulation" "most aggressive protocols tried" and "donor oocytes suggested." Not that I was too surprised by the letter's contents. I had been in the IVF forums long enough to see the writing on the wall.

After the final canceled retrieval, I started investigating DE. After the doctor suggested it, I readily agreed consider it. My husband needed more convincing. We spoke to a counselor at the clinic, we read the suggested readings, we talked, we prayed. To be honest, I just couldn't take another disappointment. I wanted something with a solid chance of working. DE gave me that chance, but at a price. The cost was my own genetic connection to my potential children.

For me, the choice itself wasn't hard. What was hard were the consequences of that choice: knowing that I wouldn't have any genetic connection to my kids.

The initial decision-making days were fraught with philosophical questions about should we tell the children? If so, when? How? What kind of donor are we looking for...one that is more like me in my physical traits? In my personality?

My husband and I thought a lot about how we felt when we were teenagers. About how we felt about our sense of self. We decided that we wanted to be as open about this with our potential kids as we could. It is hard enough to make your way in this world without adding layers of complications on it. We decided that we would like to choose someone who shared some of my physical characteristics and personality traits, but that in the end those weren't the most important issues. We had other somewhat intangible desires for an egg donor. We were looking for a woman over 25 (so that she has a better chance of understanding the consequences of her actions), preferably already a mother (again so that she can appreciate what she was doing) and -here was the long shot- someone who would be willing to meet the kids when they turned 18.

We didn't want to hide anything from them. We wanted it to be as shameless as possible. So in the beginning, it was focused on the kids. What they would need to feel emotionally secure with
our choices. I don't want to make myself out as completely altruistic. I mourned the loss of the genetic connection with my kids. I sobbed in the shower so that no one would hear me. My heart was heavy. But it was also filled with hope.....

In the next few days I hope to have up my thoughts on DE during and just after the delivery of the boys. And then finally to where we are now, 20 months into being a mom.

Yikes!

2011-03-21T08:50:00.003-04:00

Wow, I signed up for ICLW at the beginning of the month and then haven't posted anything! I guess that better change....starting today!

To introduce myself to anyone who doesn't know me, I am a 37 (almost 38...) year old woman, married for 12 years and is hopelessly infertile. We tried unsuccessfully for 8+ years on our own naturally and via IVF with my own eggs to have children. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, uterine fibroids and low ovarian reserve. Just after the turn of 2008 we decided to pursue having children via donor eggs, as this was our best option. Happily in the Fall of 2008 everything came together and we became pregnant with twin boys. After a rocky start, the pregnancy was relatively uneventful and the boys were born in July 2009 at 36 weeks. They have been by far the best and most tiring things in my life.

I have much to write about...things have changed over here. We have moved out of our 1 bedroom apartment to a new house in the 'burbs. (First house!!) Separate room for the kids, ie Hubby and I have our OWN room!

My mother-in-law now lives downstairs instead of in the room next door (yay!)

The boys are 20 months old and are amazing in every way!!

And, through it all, I THINK I am getting a handle on the whole parenting thing. (ha!)

Over the next few days I am going to start addressing some issues of being a DE mom. These are things that I have wanted to talk about for the past, say, 20 months or so, but haven't seemed to get there.

Disbelief

2011-01-23T23:35:00.003-05:00

Wiseguy who has probably posted on every single thing I have ever written, who kindly checks up on me when I don't post for a while just found out that she lost her beloved daughter who resulted from a miracle pregnancy 6 years in the making. I am beyond shocked and saddened for her. Sometimes it feels that there is no justice in this world. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and tell her that you are thinking of her in this horrific time.

Melancholy Me: random blatherings

2010-12-22T13:57:00.003-05:00

Hmmm. Not sure why I have the doldrums this Christmas season. I feel a bit like I did before I had the kids. That vague (and sometimes not so vague) feeling that something is missing. Infertility "stuff" seems to be weighing heavily on me these days. A very close friend of mine at work is undergoing fertility treatments. Ironic, as it was she just a few years ago that I leaned on so heavily during my cycles.

She has undiagnosed infertility. Her eggs look great. Her husband's sperm are of rockstar status. It just never has seemed to happen for her. She and her husband had timed intercourse, the whole bit. But no pregnancies after a year of concerted trying.

She was eligible for IVF, so she and her husband decided to go for it. I think after seeing all that I went through, she was ready to pull out all of the stops. She stimulated well: 10 eggs and 8 fertilized. Excellent quality. She and her husband have been going back and forth as to whether to transfer two or one embryos. Her husband decidedly does not want twins and she felt that twins would be too much to handle without a greater support system (all of her family lives in India). On transfer day, the transfer doc told them they would be transferring 2 embies, "as per the protocol" for someone her age. She questioned the doc about the chances of having twins and got an interesting reply: He asked her if it was going to be harder to have twins or to get a negative pregnancy result. She and her husband talked about it and decided that the possibility of raising twins would be harder. A negative would not be as bad. They transferred one and she eagerly (and nervously) pushed through her 2ww. I saw her ups and downs. Her good days (sometimes hours) and bad days (hours).

Two days before her beta, I saw her at work. Withdrawn, face sunken. I asked if something was wrong. She said that she thought that she had started her period (our clinic tests betas rather late on dpo17 or so). I was sure she hadn't. Maybe implantation bleeding?, I suggested. She called her nurse and had the beta moved up by a day.

The next morning I saw her at work. This time it looked as though she hadn't slept. Her eyes were puffy. Face swollen. Hair pulled back in a ponytail. "Have you gone in for a test", I asked. "Yes" she replied. She was waiting on the results. The nurse called her that afternoon. Negative. She sobbed. I suggested that she go home and try to get some rest, which she did.

What a horrible, horrible thing IF does to us. This woman is a pillar of strength. I admire the hell out of her. Watching her crumble under the pain and anguish of IF is heartbreaking.

Ironically, watching what she has been going through has given me a bit of a new perspective about my job performance over the previous 3 years (when I was undergoing IF treatment). I wonder, if this strong, capable woman wasn't impervious to the pain of IF and have it affect her work, then perhaps it is OK that it affected mine as well.

Now, with the approach of the holidays, she is waiting for her cycle to be reviewed by the clinic. They meet every Wed to discuss the previous cycles. They also have a backlog, so has taken a few weeks for them to get to her. This will be week #3 after her failed cycle. No word yet on what the clinic recommends.

She told me yesterday that she now has a different answer to the transfer doctor's question of whether it would be worse to get a negative results or to face the possibility of twin. "A negative," she said, "a negative is much worse."

I am thinking of all of you that are still cycling and still hoping. I am hoping with you

The little update that could...

2010-11-17T16:10:00.003-05:00

I didn't have time for a "real" post, so I thought that I would add a couple of pictures of the boys both pre and post haircuts from this past October.

J standing, A sitting

J post-haircut!

A. post haircut

These guys are amazing, I hope that they will always know how much I love them...

Sept 29, 2010

2010-09-29T13:36:00.004-04:00

1. Supportive/funny husbands: I've starting applying for jobs now and last week sent in two applications. However, I got notices that they were going to "go in another direction" this morning. I emailed my husband to tell him the news and he sent me a pep talk to make me feel better. Then he sent me this

which was good for a laugh!

2. The flu shot clinic last night was packed, but the kids, my husband and I are all immunized for this year! My mother in law started to say something, but we were not in the mood, and she kept her mouth zipped!

3. The kids mostly slept until 6am today. (Although J did get up for his middle of the night snuggle fest with mom.

4. Burritos for lunch--enough said!!

Long over due update

2010-09-28T10:47:00.003-04:00

Hi, yes, I'm still here if you are still reading.

I thought I would get back into blogging slowly by just starting a "365 days of grace" post. I've been so terribly grumpy, I need it. So here goes.

1. Cooler weather. Although I hate to see the rain, it is nice to have a break from the warmer temperatures. I can't wait to see the leaves change.

2. Baby oragel. Children waking up at 3:45am that can't go back to sleep, but are soothed by the numbing gel....nice.

3. A. loves books. Every morning when I get up with them and in the eve when I come home, he brings me a book to read him. Granted I am getting really tired of reading the same book over and over. Just yesterday, J. started to bring books to me as well!

4. Flu shot clinics. There is a clinic tonight at the pediatrician's office for parents and kids. Since we plan to go to Fl near the end of Oct, I want to get them their flu shots a few weeks before we get on the plane. I got them their first flu shots last winter, so this year they only need one shot each!

5. Supportive husbands. Although my Mother in law generally gripes when she finds out that the kids are getting shots (she is fairly anti-immunization), my hubby said that he backs me up all the way on this and if MIL grouses when she finds out that we are taking them to get their shots, he will step in if need be :) However, I feel pretty confident that I can handle it. My kids, my decision, end of conversation.

decisions, decisions

2010-06-05T21:41:00.004-04:00

Well, didn't I say that I would be posting more? Well, yeah, not so much huh?

Things have been mostly quiet around here. Mother in law is still here watching the kids during the day. The boys are growing like weeds. We worked through sleep training, so they now (mostly) sleep through the night. They eat solids, real adult food. Both boys are crawling and cruising. I am still working and trying to manage things at home. And in about 5 weeks the boys will be 1 year old! ONE. I cannot believe it......

We are in a weird sort of place now emotionally. I am still working at a job that I have had for the last nearly 5 years. This is usually the type of job that you stay at only about 4 or 5 years. I think I am almost finished with my project. I sincerely hope I am, because the work environment has gotten really cruddy lately.

We are considering a kind of scary proposition. Me finishing up my project and applying for jobs. But if nothing comes up soon, I will be a stay-at-home mom in the interim.

Oh the panic that sets in when I write that....not of taking care of the boys. I can do that. But of me not having a job. I have ALWAYS had a job. Since 16. Even through college. I even picked a profession that paid me a stipend in grad school. My husband has always been the wanderer. The free spirit. He has been the one not tied to any one position. I have always been the steadier one financially. We have always moved to where I was going to school, where I got the job. But now his job is going really well. They are talking a nice promotion (and a decent raise). And I don't know if I will ever get a chance to stay at home with the boys once I start into a "real job." (ie, not working in the lab I do now.) And they are already nearly ONE. And, let's face it, although we have 16 frosties on ice....who knows if I can successfully carry another baby? I have already had 3 major uterine surgeries.....

So, we are facing a big decision. And it is not just the 4 of us. It is MIL too. We help support her financially. So it's not just us to worry about financially. Also, I am not sure if I want two women home during the day. Although that can be quite a help with twins, it can be hard having two "moms" making the decisions. However, I don't want her to think we are kicking her out. She has done a bang up job. But there has been conflict, as you can imagine.

Ugh. I am just rambling. Sorry.

We can definitely float for about 4 months or so w/ our current bills if I don't work....

What to do, what to do...

Catching up

2010-02-17T21:02:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it has been 7 months since the boys were born. SEVEN MONTHS!

There are so many blog posts that I thought that I would get to sooner. It seems that I have been in a fog. A sleepless, fun, exasperating fog.

I absolutely love my kids. And it has taken me nearly 7 months to say that: MY kids. Not just "the boys." It has taken me 7 months not to want to "correct" people when they say that J has my nose, or A has my hair. I still don't really feel like a parent. At least not what I thought a parent should feel like. Somehow I thought I would be smarter, a better nurturer, or that I would suddenly be endowed with a sense of what I should and shouldn't be doing for these boys.

As it turns out, I'm still just me. Messy, insecure, second-guessing me, except now I have two little ones that make me laugh when I'm in a bad mood and can remind me why "a mother's work is never done."

Good Lord I love these kids, but I may never sleep again.

A with his flirty smile

Happy J

Brothers

The best Christmas ever.

2009-12-27T22:50:00.007-05:00

For the past 8 or so years, hubby and I have been at Christmas Eve Mass and said, "Maybe next year we will be here with a baby."

I don't remember anything about the Mass this year, except that two fussy babies that fell asleep in our arms before Communion. It was wonderful.

The next morning we gave them their first Christmas presents:

(This looks suspiciously like an ad...but it's not....)

A and J: Christmas morning, before the spit up!

Here I come again...

2009-12-19T19:52:00.002-05:00

Ahh, hello everyone (anyone) who may still be out there and checking my blog.

I keep meaning to update/post/put down my thoughts, and I never seem to get around to it. Sorry about that. This blog has been a great outlet for me!

One of the problems is that my (wonderful) Mother in Law is living with us and helping us take care of the babies. She is our live in nanny, which is wonderful, wonderful, except that we live in a one bedroom apt. The kids sleep in a crib in our room, while she sleeps in the den. Where our computer is. Needless to say, it is kind of hard writing down your inner-most feelings when someone else is sitting in an armchair 5 feet from you watching TV.

Anywho, I have been trying to remember to take my laptop home from work, so I can at least blog on the couch. It is still only about 5 feet from my MIL, but at least it is in a different room. :)

So, to the lovely Wiseguy who kindly asked if everything is OK, yep, I'm still here. All is well. Still having my struggles. Still trying to check up on you all (I've become a *gasp* lurker!).

Hopefully, the holidays will give me more time to sit down and pull out this tangled web of thoughts in my head and lay them out before you like so much spaghetti. You must be thrilled, I'm sure ;)

'Till we meet again,

Brenda

Coming up for air

2009-10-17T21:33:00.003-04:00

Hi Y'all.

Um, so it's been a while, eh?

So it's been 14 weeks since the boys arrived, and I THINK we may have a routine down now. Sort of. At least the boys go down at 6-7pm and stay down (usually) until 11pm-1am or so. That is a gianormous improvement from, well, since they were born.

I have about a thousand blog posts in me. I have been thinking about how having children has affected the way I think about my infertility (not too much has changed), about the egg donor, about being a mother of children conceived by egg donation and about being a mom in general. But, even though I finally have some time to post today, I think I am going to take a little more time to sleep or spend time with my husband.

I do have some pics of the boys. :)

Gator fans

J and A: 3 months

J and A: why it takes a thousand pictures to get one good one....

Quick update

2009-08-09T21:59:00.002-04:00

Josh is home. Boys are hungy ALL the time. Trying to BF, but supplementing them both. Aaron has TERRIBLE gas..The smell will really knock the wind out of your sails...it would be funnier if it didn't cause him such consternation. After he eats (about 1.5 hours later) he wakes up and just cries and cries...It breaks my heart...except when it happens at 1:30am, then again at 4:30am, and again at 7:30 am, and again at... You get the picture.

Introducing...

2009-07-21T23:38:00.004-04:00

Aaron Robert (6lbs 7oz) and Joshua Benjamin (6lbs 6oz) born July 12 at 12:57 am and 12:55 am, respectively. (Aaron is on the left and Josh is on the right).

I will fill you in on more of the details when I have caught up on more sleep. Right now, we are all home except for Josh, who has 'apnea of prematurity.' Which basically means he has apnea episodes that causes his heart rate to slow down. His case is mild, but he has to remain in the NICU indefinitely until he outgrows this problem. He needs 5 days without an episode to come home. He just had another one today, so the clock resets with day one tomorrow.

I can't wait to catch up with all of you and see where you are all at in your journey. Know that even in my sleep-deprived state, I am thinking of you all.

Brenda

side bloggin'

2009-07-09T17:50:00.002-04:00

So....it's been a while, eh?

I've been trying to finish up stuff at work and get things ready at home....not too successful on either front, but hubby and I will do what we can.

A couple of weeks ago the boys were weighing an estimated 6 lbs each. (Give or take a pound in either direction). I am also carrying a lot of amniotic fluid, so my belly is big, big, big.

Since everything was going so well, I decided to work this week and then take off next week (that would give me 1 week and a day 'till the C-section). I had a non-stress test (where they basically measure the babies' heartbeats and see if when they move the heartbeat goes up and then comes back down to baseline) on Monday. The babies passed with flying colors! Me? Not so much. It turns out I was having mild contractions every 2-4 minutes....uh, what?

I was instructed to see the nurse in the office (my OB is out of town). After checking my blood pressure, which was high for me , I was sent to the Labor and Delivery triage unit. (I'm so tired of that place).

After bloodwork and multiple tests, the docs thought that I may have pre-eclampsia. Oh, joy! I was admitted to the hospital, given an IV and the contractions slowed down.

I had to stay over night and through 'till Tuesday evening so that they could monitor me, my blood pressure and my urine.

Turns out I don't have pre-elampsia....yet. But I'm just below the mark on a lot of tests, so.....it's bedrest for me. I cannot complain, however, 2 weeks of bedrest is a lot less than many people predicted that I would have. However, that means that I have to try to get a crap-load of stuff accomplished via the internet and phone. Laying on one's side and trying to type is a lot harder than it would seem.

I've been trying to keep up with your blogs as well. Perhaps, now that I have more time on my hands, I'll be better about commenting...

This one goes to 11...

2009-06-13T23:10:00.002-04:00

Well, actually, these two almost go to 11. But that sounds less cool. Last ultrasound estimated the babies were 5 lbs 8 ounces and 5 lbs 1 ounce. That is the 99th and 97th percentile. That means BIG BABIES. Like, attack of the BIG BABIES. And they have a little over 5 weeks left to grow. Any guess as to how big they are going to be? I'm guessing around 7 lbs each. I just can't imagine they can keep up this kind of growth given they are being constricted by an increasing lack of space.

And, I am embarrassed to admit, I am ready to throw in the towel...at 32 weeks. I wondered if this would happen; if I would turn from "I am just so happy to be pregnant" to "Dear Lord, give me my body back." I know that this is the "normal" way things should happen....everyone I know IRL has described that near the end you just want to not be pregnant anymore. I just wondered if that happened to those of us who have had such a hard time getting pregnant. It's not that I thought that I would want to always be pregnant...I do actually want to be a parent. But some people relish their pregnancies through the delivery day. I thought I might be one of those people. I am not. I feel rather wimpy and ungrateful now.

Ya'll G0NNA MAKE ME L0SE MY C00L, UP IN HERE....

2009-05-31T01:42:00.003-04:00

So I am fast losing my patience with being a patient.

Pre-IVF, I cut doctor's offices a lot of slack. "You forgot to call me back? No problem, you were probably really busy." "You didn't order x, y, or z for me? That's OK. I'm sure a couple of days behind schedule is perfectly OK."

Now? My patience grows thin. Even when some of the problem is my fault. Let me demonstrate.

With this latest bladder infection, I paged the doctor-on-call after hours, and she was kind enough to call in a prescription for me without waiting for a urine sample. She did call back a few minutes after I spoke with her and said that after discussing it with her superior, they really did need a urine sample to confirm that the antibiotic was going to work on the infection that I had. That seemed fair enough. She said I could come by the next day (May 22nd, a Friday) if that was more convenient.

Indeed it was more convenient. I planned to go in Friday afternoon. However, I was sidelined by the fact that I got very nauseous at work. I won't go into details, but let's just say that I didn't quite make it to the bathroom receptacle and maintenance needed to be called. I needed to go home and shower. It was not pretty. So, the bottom line was that I didn't have a urine specimen taken. I thought that the antibiotic would probably do the trick, so no harm, no foul.

Yeah....By Tuesday, May 26th, when I had taken more than half of the antibiotics and I still felt crappy (and via an over the counter UTI testing kit still had loads of white blood cells in my urine), I thought I should call the doctor's office again. The nurse insisted that I come in for a urine sample. Yes, I thought, fair enough. My bad. If I have to suffer with this thing longer because I didn't follow the rules, then I got what was coming to me.

So off I went, pawning a duty at work onto a generous co-worker, and took the bus across town to give them my pee. I returned to work confident in the knowledge that I had done my part, albeit late. And, according to the nurse, I should hear back from the office the next day regarding my results.

So the next day came and went. I had a poster session that took up most of my day, so I didn't have a chance to call the office. Thursday came and went as well. So on Friday, I called and asked if there was any news on my urinalysis. I had been starting to feel better by that time, but I wanted to be sure that this wasn't a temporary fix, only to have any residual bacteria in my bladder start to take over again. I didn't get a hold of a nurse right away, so I opted for leaving a message. The office called me back 30 minutes before they closed to inform me that there was a problem with my sample and that the microbiology lab needed another one. I should go to the triage unit, since it would be after hours.

Excuse me?

Now, the rational side of my brain says, mistakes happen. Perhaps I didn't give them enough pee or something and so I need to give them more. The I'm-so-sick-of-all-this-BS part of my brain was all, "hell no! You waited until I called you before you told me that I needed to give another sample. Just like you waited until I came into the office for an appointment before you could finally dig up the results on the amniocentesis on both the babies, or give me the results of my glucose tolerance test! Or that I saw the nurse write down the wrong weight on my chart." And then, because I was all ratcheted up by this time, I immediately started pulling my IVF doctors' "failings" into my mind. "Oh, just like the IVF doc to failed to mention that he deliberately left one of the fibroids in after the surgery. Thus prompting the transfer doctor (during the only IVF cycle to go to retrieval with my own eggs) to accuse me of not giving her all the facts that I had a fibroid near my ovaries, which would make retrieval difficult. Yes, let's bring THAT up when I'm nervous, in stirrups and naked from the waist down. Or when I couldn't get a hold of the doctor for multiple weeks who mentioned I shouldn't carry twins after we found out we were pregnant with twins." Yes, my sanity and my patience. Gone. Gone. Gone.

I then started to work myself up into a bigger snit. My OB's office was all snarky about the urgent care medical facility that I went to when I had my last bladder infection. They told me that for anything related to my health care while I was pregnant I should see them, because the urgent care center I went to was (in so many words) incompetent. They made this assessment based on at least two facts: the urgent care center didn't send my urine results off for culture so when I came back and pulled my let's-vomit-in-the-urgent-care-center trick, they immediately sent me to the hospital where my OB's office is located because the urgent care facility didn't have the resources to get my blood tested that same day. The OB triage units' doctors were both snarky to the urgent care facility (I overheard them on the phone) and kind of snarky to me about it, acting like their practice was so far superior.

What made me laugh after I was released from the hospital that long and fateful day, is that they gave me the SAME D@MN antibiotic that the urgent care facility had given me, just prescribed for one day longer. They KNEW what the urgent care facility had prescribed for me, because I told them no less than 3 times and even brought the empty pill bottle with me and showed to everyone who asked. Pardon me, but yes, that does seem like sound reasoning. And did they send my culture out? I will never know, because they never called me back to tell me.

So when the OB's office said I needed to drive downtown, through traffic on a Friday night and go to their triage unit to give them another urine sample, I walked my butt right across the road to the urgent care center. I told them what happened and asked for them to check my urine; which they did. The answer? Trace white blood cells in my urine. I need to call Sunday or Monday to see if they could culture any bacteria out of it.

Why I felt like I was "sticking it to the man" I'm not sure. But somehow it felt good.....

Yes, I know, I am losing my mind...

Darn it, why does it always seem like we are the only ones who are taking care of us in the health system. Rationally I know this is not true, but I think of all the people who don't know that they need to be an advocate for their own health and they just slip through the cracks. It makes me very happy to know that my Grandparents still have eachother to act as advocates for eachother and that my hubby's Grandmother has her two sons and a daughter-in-law to make sure all the calls that are needed are made....

irony

2009-05-28T21:08:00.002-04:00

So last Monday I went to the OB. I just had an ultrasound and the estimated fetal weights of the boys were about 3.5 pounds each--in the low to mid 90s in terms of percentiles. BIG babies! I got the results of my glucose tolerance test (all fine), my blood pressure (a respectable 118/70) and my protein in the urine test (all fine). So the doctor announces to me, "Wow. You aren't having any of the problems we look for in women carrying twins. You were made to carry twins."

I almost fell off of the exam table. Only 4 months ago 2 of the 4 doctors I spoke with, including one in my OB's practice, was suggesting a fetal reduction.

Not that any of us could have predicted the future. But wow.

I can only hope that things keep going well, although my stress is decreasing with regard as to whether the babies will survive to "what the heck do I know about raising children."

Also, my perception of pregnancy is changing. I am shifting from "oh, thank you, thank you I am still pregnant" to "OK, how many weeks until the C-section?"

I have been battling a recurrent bladder infection. Unfortunately, I don't have all the classical symptoms of a bladder infection (i.e. that burning sensation). My typical bladder infection involves nausea, frequent urges to pee, generally feeling poorly and being really, really worn out. Not too unlike being pregnant. So I'm not sure how long I've actually had this bladder infection. I am thinking for at least 2 or so weeks. Not that delivering the babies will prevent me from getting a bladder infection, but I think that maybe I will recognize it sooner. Kindly, a call to the OB's office led to a prescription for an antibiotic without having to go in that night for a urine sample. I did have to go in later though, as they just MUST have my pee.

In other symptoms (complaints), I am having trouble sleeping, although I am so exhausted. I also have alarming heartburn. Heartburn to the point that the acidic taste can actually make me throw up. Thank goodness that Zan.tac was invented. Otherwise, I would have to just eat chalk all day or something similar.

Well, that's all the complaining that I have on tap for today. I have some other things that I will hopefully get around to sharing with ya'll when I next post. Nothing too spectacular; just what's happening in my little world.

Warning: egregious pictures

2009-05-12T00:09:00.003-04:00

Well, it's official. I'm starting to become more optomistic about the pregnancy. See--it only took about 28 weeks! I still don't want to tempt the fates and get too cocky. But, perhaps I will bait the fates a little. As I think I mentioned before, I had an ultrasound done on the 28th or so of April. Just before the 27 week mark. I tried to figure out how I could link the pictures to somewhere else, in case you wanted to skip the pictures. But it turns out that I'm just not that smart, so if you are ready for them, scroll down at your own risk.
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Bot front view (my DH thinks he looks like the Joker...)

Bot's foot!

Bit's profile; the u/s tech said it looked like he was sticking his tongue out!

Bot's face view

Of course I'm biased, but I think they look rather cute. Although, I didn't think about how cute they were last night when my husband tried to kiss me goodnight and I had abruptly excuse myself to run to the bathroom to relieve myself of my after dinner snack. And my face certainly doesn't look cute today, as the expulsion of my food seemed to prompt a number of blood vessels in my face to explode. Yes, I have had raspberries and spider veins on my face today. Luckily, I have freckles (what nearly 36 year old woman STILL has freckles???) and they can hide a lot of sins. I never thought I would be grateful for freckles.....

Back from Florida!

2009-05-04T14:37:00.003-04:00

Actually, we got back right at the end of April, but I have been too tired/lazy to post.

The baby shower was really nice; I didn't freak out or qualify everything I said with "if these babies make it." Which, you know, would be kind of a bummer to everyone around me.

We purposely didn't register for any blue things on some advice I got from a co-worker. He said that when people found out he was having a girl, EVERYONE bought him pink things unless they specifically got it off he and his wife's baby registry. DH and I? Blue out the wazoo. And two of everything clothing-wise.

I had a good time, got to see some of my high school friends and some aunts that I haven't seen in a few years.

The rest of the trip, it seemed like DH and I were running around trying to see everyone. Oh, and it was his Dad's birthday and our 11 year (wow) anniversary.

I got reacquainted with sweet tea (ahhh, I LOVE sweet tea). But found out that I couldn't drink it; it either didn't agree with me, or I drank it too fast and then lost my dinner/lunch/whatever. I'm sure that was for the best anyway, as caffeine is supposed to be at a minimum. I just got DH to order some and I would take a few sips from his glass.

In other news, I had an u/s last Wednesday and the boys seem to be doing well. Both are in the 95% for weight: aprox 2.5 pounds each! [which reminds me, if you don't follow Mermaid's blog, go over there and give her some bloggy love. Her twins were born just under 28 weeks due to a failure to thrive. They seem to be holding their own, but I cannot even imagine what a stressful experience this must be for her and her DH.]

News like this makes me even more grateful for how well this pregnancy seems to be going.

I have been having a lot of practice contractions. In fact, I am at home from work today because I just wanted to monitor how things were going. I have to call the Dr's office if I get more than 4 contractions an hour. Last night before I went to bed I was up to 3 an hour. I drank a HUGE glass of water and went to bed. And then proceeded to get up every hour to pee. When I got up this morning, I was having contractions again, so I decided to monitor and see if they got more frequent. They seem to have settled down now. I think I only had one or two in the past few hours. I think I miss most of them because they are really so mild. The ones last night were nothing to be trifled with. They made me rather nauseous.

So, I'm hoping for the best and trying to take it easy today. I think all will be OK, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I may have to take off time from work earlier than I want to in order to keep contractions at bay. That wouldn't be so bad if we won the lottery....

The difficulty of posting

2009-04-19T03:27:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't been around much. It's not that I haven't been thinking of you or checking your blogs.

It's more that I feel guilty posting. Guilty because now I am pregnant, and I see some of my best internet friends continuing to struggle.

And I remember: I remember what it was like to feel so happy that someone else was pregnant, but feeling that aching hole of sadness inside of me. Wondering if I would ever get my "turn." Or, would I be forced to watch others go down the path that I so desperately wanted to go down myself.

I know some of you might say, "this is your blog, you can post whatever you like." And while true, what I am facing in my own life is this barrage of uncertainty. Thinking that we are so close to being parents, and yet still so far.

I count my blessings every night, but I still hold back a small piece of myself in reserve wondering if we are going to lose these babies. I feel a little better now that we have reached the point of "viability"--24 weeks. But I know that 24 weeks means only that there is a chance that they will survive. A chance, but not much more than that.

And there is no guarantee that things will proceed smoothly. Reading Mermaid's posts reminds me daily that a seemingly uneventful pregnancy can take a scary turn.

We've taken a big leap of faith recently. We are going down to Florida next week to visit both sides of our family, and they want to throw us a baby shower. [I should comment on the irony of WHO is throwing me a baby shower in another post.] So, this weekend we registered. For baby things. And I'll be honest. I was uncomfortable the whole time. Not just because I can no longer see my feet when I walk, but because I worry that I will have a room full of baby things...and no babies.

People ask me: what is the theme of your babies' room?

And I think, "I don't care as long as they come home safe."

What type of bottles do you want? I have no idea. I don't even want to research that.

The list goes on and on.

Sorry for the self-pitying rant. Hopefully, I'll get into the swing of things soon.

Long time no hear...

2009-04-08T23:15:00.002-04:00

Wow, I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted.

I wish I had some profound reason for my absence, but, alas, no. Mostly I've just been tired and sick. It seems that the only position I can be in for any length of time without me becoming lightheaded is horizontal.

I have still been trying to go to work, but I think I spend as much time with my head down on my desk or laying down on the couch in one of the conference rooms as I do working.

Although I do have a "fun" trip to tell you about. Last week I was feeling so, so poorly and was having what felt like menstrual cramps. Plus, I had been charting my weight and had noticed that I have not gained any weight for 4 weeks now. I placed call to the OB's office and they said that things were probably OK. I was worried that I was having preterm labor contractions, given that some of the doctors that provided my earlier care were concerned that I would have problems with this.

A friend suggested that I may have a bladder infection. My bladder infections, as a rule, do not have the horrible burning sensation that I have heard from other women. Instead, I feel completely run down and have a lot of bladder spasms....that can feel like menstrual cramps. Aha!

So, that night I head down to the urgent care center near me. Sure enough, diagnosis: bladder infection. I'm given antibiotics and go home.

A few days after finishing the antibiotics I notice that my symptoms are returning...along with more nausea and dizziness. Great.

I head back to urgent care (it's a Sunday). I tell my husband to stay home, b/c I'm just going to get another prescription for antibiotics.

But no, that would be too simple. Instead, in the waiting room I start having one of my dizzy/nausea spells. I ask someone if there is someplace I could lie down. She says she will try to find something...then I take off like a bat on fire to find the bathroom and relieve myself of my Sunday breakfast. Well, it seems that you get placed at the front of the line with that kind of behavior.

I was placed in a wheelchair and taken back to a room immediately where the nurse says she is worried that my bladder infection may have spread to my kidneys. I should go to the hospital.

OK. But she won't let me drive. Instead, some strapping young EMTs load me into an ambulance and drive me to the hospital. At least they didn't have the lights on :)

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get a hold of my husband to tell him that I'm going to the hospital. Oh, and the car is still parked at urgent care. Only I cannot get a hold of him. Great.

So..I call a neighbor to run down to the apartment and tell him to call me. Luckily, since I told my friend that I was OK, just to have him call, he wasn't freaked out. He was more interested in whether they were using the sirens in the ambulance! :)

Poor hubby had to take the subway, find the car and then drive to the hospital where I was now in the labor and delivery triage unit. Still having horrible dizzy spells and with ORANGE urine. Really, I have never seen urine that color before. The babies seem to be fine, however, so I'm relieved.

Long story short: hubby finds me. Brings me snacks (he's so sweet). We await the test results of urinalysis and blood work. Still having dizzy spells. While we are waiting they send me down for an ultrasound of my legs to determine if I have any blood clots which could be contributing to my dizziness, nausea and shortness of breath.

6.5 hours I'm discharged with the diagnosis of a "raging" bladder infection and no apparent reason for the dizziness and nausea. Perhaps the bladder infection.

A few days later (yesterday) I have my scheduled appt with my OB. I bring up the nausea and dizziness. The culprit he says: low blood pressure. What?

I have always had blood pressure just slightly lower than the norm. Usually 115/70. Nothing to worry about. Interestingly, a woman's blood pressure drops during the first half of pregnancy and then by about 24 weeks starts to pick back up again. My blood pressure at the time of my OB appt: 108/60. So all the dizzy spells: lack of blood to the brain. No blood to the brain brings on nausea. Oh.

The solution. Drink lots more water. This I had been trying to do. However, I was doing it wrong, if you can believe that. Since I work in a lab, I cannot bring food or drinks inside. So every few hours, I go to another room and chug a glass of water.....which makes my stomach expand to fast....which makes me nauseous.....which makes me throw up. I am now mandated to sip water continuously. Hard to do, but it does seem to help. I just have to take a lot more breaks from work.

Luckily, the doctor says that my blood pressure should start to increase soon and I won't be having so many dizzy spells.

The lack of weight gain does not concern him at all. He even told me that all the advice in the baby books about gaining weight is a leftover from before they had such good ultrasounds and could estimate the babies weights. As long as the babies are growing OK, very slow weight gain for the Mom seems to be OK, at least in his eyes. I swear, you ask a hundred people and you will get a hundred answers. Barbara Luke, who has written a book about having multiples (and was involved in running a multiples clinic), swears up, down, left, right and center that packing on the pounds is the key to having healthy multiples. Oh well, since she is not my doctor, I guess I go with his advice.

Sorry for the long post, I'll try to keep posting more often. Probably whilst sipping my water :)

Boy, oh boy!

2009-03-11T15:32:00.002-04:00

So we had the level II ultrasound yesterday AND got the amnio results (they may have been lost somewhere in the system, but our doctor's assistant was able to dig them up).

The results:

Two healthy babies: all chromosomes accounted for, no extra ones. And, both babies are BOYS :)

Hubby and I had secretly been hoping for one girl and one boy, but really, we are just grateful and overjoyed that I'm actually pregnant and that this pregnancy seems to be going well.

Both babies are kicking in a way that I can feel them and I am so excited by that! However, the other day I had a graduate student ask me if I could feel them kicking and what it felt like. When I replied, she responded that having something move in you was "gross."

After wanting to slap her upside of her head, I replied that if you knew you had a child in you, you wouldn't think it was gross. This has been something I had been hoping to feel for years, and I was reminded about how so many people take their fertility for granted.

So, no more Dr's appts for me for the next 4 weeks! I'll just keep praying that things keep moving in a positive direction :)

The unexpected 2WW

2009-02-28T23:07:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the good vibes for the results of the amnio. However, some people had suggested to me that only waiting a week for the results seemed like a short amount of time.

Indeed, it is. One of the doctors in the room told me that we could expect an early result in one day and the definitive result in a week. Noooo.......not really. After about a week (this past Tuesday) I called the office and asked about my results. The nice nurse on the phone told me that she did have the early test results, but the final results would take, yes, at least two weeks. So that doctor was obviously not a research scientist; I am, however, and I feel that I should have figured something was up. Nevermind that I work with yeast and not humans....

Anywho, the results of the early test were very encouraging. Both babies have the normal # of chromosomes at first glance (yay for 46 chromosomes). [Just to show you how non-human-centric I am: I had to look that up. at first I was going to write 16 (# of chromsomes in budding yeast) and my next guess was 3 (number of chromosomes in fission yeast) and worse than that, these numbers are for hapliod yeast--double sigh.] Next week we should get the final results on the actual human babies I am carrying and not on what I stare at every day.

In other mind-blowing news, my mind is blown. I swear I can actually FEEL my brain cells withering up and dying. Sometimes getting an intellegent sentence out of my mouth is more effort than it is worth. I am considering communicating strictly through grunting now.

This comes at a bad time, as I have quite a lot on my plate work-wise. It seems that this miracle of a pregnancy will come to an end (I hope) right about at the time that my fellowship runs out at work. This fellowship I have pays for my salary (and my health insurance). I am very fortunate to have it. But when it ends, there is no guarantee of a job. The funding in my lab is quite tight right now, and I have had to have a few uncomfortable conversations with my boss. The conversations go along the line of : " Um, yeah, so my fellowship will be running out at the end of August. I was wondering if you were in a position to keep me on for a while afterwards." Well, I guess that is just my side of the conversation. The answer from my boss is that he just doesn't know right now. We may have a better idea in mid-March when we will meet with a funding agency to see if they think we have made enough progress on our current reasearch to apply for a larger grant which can fund a salary.

To be honest, it is time for me to move on in my career. My post-doc (what you do after grad school when there are no jobs available) will be at the 4 year mark in August (rather typical for a life science post-doc). However, now is not the best time to be searching for a job, what with my scattered brain and this lovey economy. This morning at breakfast, hubby and I had a talk about different options if I cannot stay in my current lab after the babies are born. He brought up getting a job in a bank or mall. I was pretty fabbergasted, I have to say. Not that I have a problem with the work; I've just spent, um, the last 18 (OHMYGOSH) years of my life persuing a career as a research scientist (college + lab tech + grad school +post doc). Well, we'll just have to see what happens in the next few weeks/months....

And here we are

2009-02-22T21:46:00.003-05:00

Nothing too much to report here.

I had the amnio last Tuesday, the 17th, not the most painful thing I had been through, but still I wouldn't do it on a whim. I have also decided that I am not a "piercer." I have heard that some people get a real thrill from having piercings or tattoos. I have had more than my fair share of injections and needle pokes to know that I most certainly do not get a thrill from being pierced or poked.

We did have one humorous moment during the amino. I had two doctors in the room with me:one male and one female. The female was guiding the ultrasound to a place where the baby was not, while the male doctor was doing the poking. After the amnio for baby one, I mentioned that I was not surprised by the needle stick, but by the cramping that occured when the needle when into my uterus. The male doctor said that baby one was low in my uterus and that there tended to be more "feeling" there and it could be more painful. The female doctor turned to look straight at me and said, "I have had a few of these, and I don't care where you put the needle, it still cramps." I don't know why I thought that was so funny, but I had to supress my laughter.

No word yet on the results (we are specifically interested in baby 2 as s/he was on the upper end of normal of the nuchal lucency test (sp?). The same male doctor told us that we should have some results the next day. Again, we haven't heard anything yet. So now I refer to the the unborn as "our mutant babies" to my husband. So hopefully we have resuts soon....

Still here

2009-02-14T01:07:00.004-05:00

...and still getting over this monster of a cold. This nasty thing has been going around the lab where I work...no one is safe!

But I am getting better and my appetite is increasing, so that is good. In fact, after I finish typing this up, it's time for a snack!

Next week, actually next Tues I go in for the amnio. Am I nervous? Kind of. At this point I'm actually settling into the idea that I'm REALLY pregnant with two babies (and not just getting fat and irritable).

To let you know what leap this is for me, I'll let you know a little secret. I've actually given nicknames to the babies: bit and bot. Not that original, but that is just what keeps coming up in my mind. "Naming" them is a scary proposition for me. Up until this point in my life, I would have always told you I was an optimist. And I am: FOR YOU. Everything WILL work out well for you. Just not for me. Dang, that sounds harsh....

I guess I am still waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop." I was hoping that this would cease when I actually got pregnant. Then when I reached the 3 month milestone. Now, I am not sure that it ever will, but I am doing my best not to dwell on it. But I still realize that I keep a "healthy(??)"distance from the pregnancy.
In fact, some baby update-thingy suggested that at 15 weeks you should start talking to the baby to help strengthen the bond between the two of you. I almost passed out. I have only just gotten the courage to give them nicknames, let alone have a conversation with them.

I've always been a late bloomer, perhaps we'll start our "conversations" at little bit later :)

Colds suck

2009-02-06T17:41:00.002-05:00

So I've been home for the past two days with a nasty cold. I hardly ever come down with a cold and when I do, its not usually so bad. This one sucks giant donkey ba.lls. Seriously.

I made my first "I'm a silly pregnant woman and don't know what meds I can take" call to the new high risk OB that I went to on Monday. The nurse who took my call gave me some idea of the meds I can take and then pointed me to the packet of info that they gave me at my visit. I almost started laughing when she told me there was ACTUAL information in that packet.

See, I've gotten 3 packets already in this journey of pregnancy. The first one was from the IVF clinic after my positive pregnancy test. The second came from my first OB at the local practice. I was very diligent and read them as soon as I could. Put them in a safe place should I need to refer to them later. This one, not so much. I put it in my backpack (I KNOW, I'm 35 I should not still be wearing a backpack, but with my computer in it, it is just too heavy to carry on one shoulder.) I told myself that I would read it when I had some time. Unfortunately, I left it at work when I came home with the sickness and haven't been back to work to pick it up.

Besides all the coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose, etc. that has been going on, I have to say I like my new OB. (I really liked my other OB, but this guy specializes in premature births, women with multiples, and difficult cesarean sections.) After doing an initial workup with a nurse and her asst., I met with the Dr. He was exceptionally non-plussed at my medical history. In fact, he wondered why the IVF doctor would recommend a reduction when, in his words, "I have had patients that have had their uterus dismantled and completely reconstructed and they didn't have a problem with pregnancy." Nice to hear. Sorry that someone had to go through that, though.

I next meet with him after our amnio on the 17th. Hubby will be there to meet him as well.

Ugh, I would write more, but in that last paragraph, I sneezed 10 times (I counted)! I'm going to bury my head under some pillows now.

what the doctors said (pt 2)

2009-01-25T23:57:00.002-05:00

So, as I mentioned, like, a year ago. We were able to meet with our RE, but the surgeon was running late. So we decided to contact him later. My hubby then began communications with him via email.

This is an excerpt of my hubby's email to the surgeon:

...And while the situation did seem delicate to us, the truth is that we were
given information that was taken completely out of context. We knew it was your
recommendation to only carry one child to term. I also knew that it would
be your opinion that, if we had the option, reducing Brenda to bearing only
one child to term would be the greatest reduction of risk. However, our RE's
nurse presented your recommendation to Brenda as if it was the end all, be all,
final word on the matter and that something terrible was definitely going to
happen if she didn't reduce. Your letter, while factual, was presented to us as
something that was without option, hence...we freaked out.

While we don't consider this a "simple" matter of miscommunication, we do
not hold you responsible for that miscommunication. If anything, you are the
only one (besides our RE) in all of this that, when asked, gave us a learned
opinion on how to proceed.

And the reply from the surgeon:

You are very nice to convey your thoughts on the matter in this way. And I
must say that your interpretation is absolutely correct. When I was asked to
give my opinion on the matter (i.e. when I wrote the note last week) I made the
wrong assumption that all options were open and I felt compelled to recommend
the safest one for Brenda. You also must know that SINCE writing the note I
have polled several colleagues and they all feel that my concerns are extreme
because there is no data showing a prohibitively high risk of rupture in Brenda's
case.

In any case: I will be in Boston in ten days and will be happy to meet
with you.

We felt better. So our next appt was with the maternal fetal specialist this past Wednesday (the 21st). We had the nuchal translucency at the base of the babies' necks examined at our (nearly 12 week) ultrasound. One was well within the limits at 1.0mm. The other was just on the upper end of normal at 2.5 mm. Given that our donor was only 29 at the time of donation, the doctor is as confident as he can be that this is not an indication of a genetic abnormality.

But then......

My hubby and I had a long talk with the specialist. We went over all of my risk factors:

Two invasive uterine surgeries
A frozen pelvis (basically this means that I have so many endometiral adhesions that most of my internal organs are glued together). Thankfully, however, down near the base of my uterus where the doctor would perform a C section, there are few, and only "milky" adhesions--thus making surgery there much easier. The bad thing about all of these adhesions, is that IF something goes awry during the pregnancy (a uterine rupture) and it occurs in a place where all the adhesions are...it would be difficult for the doctors to get in there and make repairs...ie lose the babies and/or my uterus.
I still have 2 relatively large fibroids near my cervix. These were fibroids that the surgeon didn't want to touch, in order (I think), to maintain the structural integrity of my cervix.

The specialist said that because of all these risk factors that there was a greater chance than normal of a uterine rupture. However, he also mentioned that of all medical practices, OB has the fewest randomized trials in terms of studying outcomes of women with different risk factors (he noted that most women don't wan to be in the group not given the "tested" treatment"). Therefore, he had no statistics, no studies, just a gut feeling. His gut feeling? He "tilts" twords a reduction.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but this is becoming a common theme. "If all things were equal, we, the doctors, would feel more comfortable if you were only carrying one child."

However, in my hubby's and my world, all things are not created equal. There is no guarantee that we will be able to carry one child without complications, and there is no guarantee that we cannot carry two with few complications. I mean, when I think about it, my uterus has produced one 12cm fibroid that weighed over a pound and a second one that was 6+ cm, I think. I currently have two, 4.5 cm fibroids near my cervix (although they may have grown in the past 4 weeks....it was difficult to tell from the U/S report). I am beginning to think I have the most amazing uterus EVER. All I ask is that it stay put and just do it's job, instead it has to be an overachiever and add extra, rather large adornments on the outside. That sounds like incredible plasticity to me! :)

After meeting with the specialist, I initally agreed to have a CVS done on the fetus with the upper limit nuchal translucency. After reading more about it, I have changed my mind. Given that we know the donor's genetic makeup (we paid to find it out!), we are not at risk for a number of inherited chromosomal disorders. Thus, the only think that the test would be able to determine is if the child has Down's syndrome, Trisomy 18, or Trisomy 13. Both Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13 are "mostly" incompatable with life--depending on the severity.

Instead, I think we are going to opt for and amniocentesis at 15 weeks. That's a little late in the game, but we can also tell other things from the amnio that will give us more information. At this point, we are only willing to reduce if one of the children has an abnormality that is incompatable with life or will cause them to suffer needlessly.

So, although we are still in a little bit of limbo. We have made our decision and are happy with it. Don't get me wrong, I am scared to death that something is going to happen at say, 6 or 7 months and we are going to lose the babies. Sometimes this fear grips me so hard, that I just sit in the bedroom crying.

But, we're moving forward. We have an appointment (dear Lord, all the appointments) with a high risk OB who specializes in women who are in need of complicated C-sections.

I actually went out and bought some maternity pants today. Squeezing into my regular jeans, although still possible, was increasingly less and less comfortable. In fact, when I put on the maternity pants they felt so good I almost starting crying. Then again, I am crying at just about everything these days. Either that or gagging. I'll be glad when that settles down, because, sheesh, my stomach muscles need a rest.

So here we are, wherever this is. The land of cautious optimism. The land of moving forward.

Rays of sunshine (or what the doctors said-pt 1)

2009-01-18T14:44:00.004-05:00

Again, I want to thank you all for you kind words that you have left over the last week. This has been really nerve-wracking and exhausting.

But, I have good news! It seems that the doctors may have been a bit overly-enthusiastic about the reduction. Once they found I that I didn't WANT one, than they said. Oh, well there is no real need to get one.

Yeah. I am not really sure what to think about that. I will try to lay out how all of this happened over next couple of days, however, I succumbed to more nausea and work has been all-consuming...so it may take a while.

I will start with what I was read over the phone on (this is paraphrasing, as I realize that I left the paperwork at my work).

Due to these extreme circumstances, it is with much sadness that I recommend
that Brenda have a fe.tal red.uction.

Then freaking out ensued.

Here is a copy (with names changed), that was the response to that phone call. The email was sent to our RE, the surgeon and the doctor who performed the embryo transfer.

"Good morning, This email is on behalf of Hubby and Brenda. We
recently went through a successful embryo transfer using donor eggs and have
two, healthy babies growing. We are terribly thankful for this.

There was a concern prior to the transfer as to how many embryos should be
transferred. Brenda has undergone two myomectomies for the removal of uterine
fibroids prior to the transfer. Dr. Surgeon had mentioned after the second
surgery that Brenda would likely need to give birth via c-section and that he
did not think that she should carry twins or more. Prior to the transfer, I
recalled this conversation and specifically called Our RE's nurse to
confirm if this was still Dr. Surgeon's recommendation and if there was any
record of this for Brenda. I was assured by Our RE's Nurse that all
relevant information regarding Brenda's health would be available to the
transferring doctor on the morning of the transfer and that this information
would considered in full before the procedure.

On the morning of the transfer (11/16/08), Dr. On the Day of Transfer
(OTDOT) indicated that they recommend transferring two embryos. I again
brought up the conversation that Dr. Surgeon had with me regarding carrying
more than one child to term. Dr. OTDOT replied that while the c-section
recommendation was in Brenda's file, there was no record that carrying twins or
more should be avoided. She also felt that if this was a major concern, the
information would be in Brenda's file. Dr. OTDOT did ultimately leave the choice
to us. Since the doctor recommended transferring two embryos and we had no
record to indicate otherwise, we agreed to transferring two embryos.
The procedure was a success and Brenda now has two healthy, growing
fetuses. On Dec. 23, we had a routine ultrasound and visit with Our RE. I again
mentioned the conversation that Dr. Surgeon had with us regarding carrying
more than one child to term. Our RE immediately called and emailed to confirm
Dr. Surgeon's recommendation. Dr. Surgeon was unavailable at the time. On
Monday, Jan. 5, [ed. note: Hubby got the day wrong] my wife received a
call from Our RE's nurse. She began reading a written recommendation from
Dr. Surgeon that carrying more than child to term would be very risky for
Brenda and should be avoided. In short, it is now recommended that Brenda go
through fetal reduction. I can not reiterate the actual recommendation as my
call to Our RE's nurse on Monday requesting this information has not yet been
answered.

This is the very information we had requested prior to the transfer. We
requested this information because it would have directly affected the number of
embryos we would agree to transfer. Brenda and I are morally opposed to fetal
reduction. We are also in a position to decide shortly whether to undergo the
reduction as Brenda is entering her 10th week or pregnancy.
Brenda and I feel that if carrying more than one child to term would be
such a dire risk to her that this information would have been available
throughout this procedure. If the information was available, then we feel that
it should have been taken into consideration by Dr. OTDOT on the morning of the
transfer. We would like a copy of this recommendation to review and to also
provide to the specialist who will now be advising us through the remainder of
Brenda's pregnancy. We feel that this information should have been available
prior to the transfer and would like to know when it was written. We are deeply
distressed to now be in this position and feel that it could have been
reasonably avoided.

Kind regards,
My Hubby

Nice, huh?

The response was swift, and we set up a meeting with them on Wednesday, Jan 14th.

Let me just say, that I love our RE. She has been so responsive throughout the last three years. She did not let us down this time as well.

We met with our RE while my surgeon finished a surgery on someone else. He wanted to join us as soon as he was finished. Our RE told us that this had caused a big stir at the practice. She wanted the conversation with us to take two tracks: one, what was the recommendation for me, and two, where the lines of communication broke down.

That sounded good to us, as that was our plan as well.

Our RE reviewed our history, spoken with some high-risk OB's and determined that it would not be her recommendation to have a fet.al red.uction. Indeed, in very scientific terms, she said that our increased risk of a catastrophic failure (uterine rupture in the absence of contractions), was about 0.25% higher than others. Yes, there IS a decimal place there. However, the risk of losing the other twin when having a fe.tal red.uction is 0.5%.

In turns of where the lines of communication failed, our RE pointed out 3 places: 1st when we called our RE's nurse to inquire about Dr. Surgeon's recommendation prior to transfer. That should have been routed to either our RE or to Dr. Surgeon. Second, on the day of transfer. Perhaps Dr. OTDOT should have called Dr. Surgeon to confirm, as this was not a "normal" conversation that would happen at the time of transfer. Third, when someone reads a recommendation of such dire news, it should not be done over the phone by someone other than the person recommending it.

These were the exact points that hubby and I wanted to bring up as well, so we felt comfortable knowing that there was someone who took this as seriously as we did. Our RE said that there was already a meeting being set up to discuss this incident and how to address these issues in the future. And, intriguingly, they are talking about having a discussion with the patients prior to transfer about the possibility of a fet.al red.uction and whether that information should come into play when deciding how many embryos to transfer.

Call me flabbergasted at this last statement. Am I the only one who might have a problem with reduction? Does everyone accept this possibility so easily? I think not; but, I'm not sure why this has not come up before.....

In the end, we were quite happy with our meeting. But we didn't get a chance to speak to Dr. Surgeon, as his surgery was running hours late.

We did speak to him via email over the next few days, I will update on that soon.

Attempting to return to the land of the living..

2009-01-11T23:14:00.002-05:00

Thank you everyone who has left such kind messages for me. It is really comforting to know that there is a group of people pulling for our family. This is the kind of thing you can't share with many people....

I think a lot has happened, and yet nothing has happened. I went home after meeting with our new OB, I was unable to keep anything down. I had a hard time keeping anything down the next day as well. This bout of worry and sadness has seemed to kick up the "all day sickness" that seemingly started to subside.

We have an appointment to speak with a specialist in maternal fetal medicine dealing with multiples on Jan 21st. First, we have an ultrasound, then we meet the doctor. I'll be a day shy of 12 weeks by then. Sigh.

In addition, we have set up a meeting with the REs at the baby-making factory to discuss why we were given the option to transfer two embryos when the surgeon (and fellow RE) in the practice would be so opposed to me carrying twins. And also why the doctor doing the transfer said the "only thing in my chart was that I should deliver at 36 weeks".

What is probably the scariest part about this whole thing, is that IF my uterus was to really rip in half when carrying twins, I would have been blindly unaware of this impending danger. Since my husband was the only one who remembered the surgeon saying I shouldn't carry twins AND since we insisted on calling the clinic multiple times after we found out we had twins AND waiting for weeks for an answer....that is the only reason (our dogged determination), I repeat the ONLY reason, I was given such information.

Not before the transfer. Not after the 1st ultrasound. Not after the second ultrasound. Not even at our "graduation day" from the RE. Only on the phone from the nurse after "a long meeting" with the surgeon more than 2 weeks after we inquired.

If I feel up to it, I'll post the email my husband sent to the RE practice in the next few days. It is very well written, very clear, very respectful, but pointed.

I'm not sure what we are going to "get" out of this meeting on Wednesday. Hubby wants an apology, but more than that, I think he wants more is to speak with the surgeon about his recommendation. He also wants to make sure that this information is directed to the specialist. My hubby is hopeful that the actual written recommendation by the surgeon is not as dire as I made it sound. As for myself, I am not expecting much out of the conversation. I feel pretty beaten down right now, both physically and emotionally.

Not the best day

2009-01-07T17:40:00.002-05:00

Thanks everyone for you kind words :)

I did eventually hear from the surgeon yesterday...just as I was sitting in the waiting room for the appt. Not the news I wanted to hear: Dr. Surgeon says no way on the twins. Actually, it was said much more professionally, to the tune of : given the mutilayered surgeries that were needed, it not recommended that the patient carry twins. In this unfortunate situation, it would be best to take the extreme measure of fe.tal red.uction.

I'll just let that sink in a moment.

You can imagine how upsetting that was for me. Tears were streaming down my face and the poor OB that I met for the 1st time yesterday met me and immediately asked me what was wrong. When I told her about the news, she seemed very positive that all would be OK. She kept telling me that with proper attention everything would be fine. Sorry, I don't jump so quickly on that train any longer.

She did have an hour and a half consultation with me. I'm sure she missed her lunch. I know I missed mine, and I paid for it dearly. At least there wasn't anything to come back up.

She also set me up with a maternal fetal specialist at the hospital that we did our IVF procedure. The specialist wants to wait until the end of January for an ultrasound, and then my hubby and I will have a consultation.

I left work early yesterday and called in sick today. I spent all last night either in long conversations with my husband, or crying. I tossed and turned all night. And if you wondered if that helped morning sickness, the answer is no. I barfed in the middle of the night and have barely kept my food down today.

I haven't cried today, although I am a little teary-eyed now.

I cannot even tell you all the things that are going around in my head: from "why wasn't this info in our medical records so that we would only transfer one embryo" to " why did I convince my husband to transfer two" to "what happens if I have to make a choice that I swore I would never make" to " what will happen to my job and our second source of income if I am incompacitated for many months......"

I am a spiritual person; I want to give this to G0d. Really, I do. But my poor, poor mind cannot help but jump from one possibility to another......

ramblin' man (or woman)

2009-01-05T22:07:00.005-05:00

So.....how have you been? Me? Sleepy. And hungry.

Things have been happening in fits and starts, not unlike the buildup to an IVF cycle.

Eat well. The babies are growing. Try to relax. NOW GO TO MULTIPLE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS. Now try to relax and eat well.

I did hit a few personal milestones. I will be 10 wks pregnant on Thursday, so that's a first. Actually, just being pregnant is a first, so everyday is a milestone. Also, I bought a pregnancy book. It took me 3 trips to different bookstores before I had enough courage to actually buy it. Not that I'm superstitious or anything.....

While things seem to be moving, um, undetectably, I continue to pretend that I'm probably still pregnant. I could use an ultrasound every week. Yes, that would be helpful.

In terms of who knows that I am pregnant, that is spreading a little faster than I had anticipated. One of my high school friends emailed me congratulations the other day. I had forgotten that her parents and my grandparents have morning coffee in the same place. My parents are back in my (tiny) hometown and they have run into two more of my former high school friends. My parents said that my former classmates wished me congratulations. I guess I didn't make it clear to my parents or my grandparents that although I told THEM that I was pregnant, that I wasn't ready to make announcements to distant friends yet.

I have never been in this situation before, so I don't know when I will really be ready to tell everyone. I know 3 months is the usual marker. So I am guessing I will mention it at the beginning of February. That will be almost 14 weeks.

In other baby-related news, I meet with an OB tomorrow. I want to have a very frank discussion about all of my uterine issues and pregnancy. I think if I can feel that the OB is on top of everything I'll relax a little more. Unfortunately, I STILL haven't heard back from the surgeon who declared that I "shouldn't carry twins." I understand that he should have a vacation, but this is a rather important issue. My RE (who is in the same practice as him) left him a voicemail and an email on the 23rd of December and we have not heard a peep. I contacted the nurse and she says that the surgeon has not contacted her or replied to the email. Nice.

Finally, as I ramble untill everyone quits reading, I have a message for Beth, who kindly left me a comment, like, 50 years ago. She asked if I did anything special for our donor cycle. The answer is "not really." Mostly I tried to keep myself calm and distracted as best I could. I didn't eat/not eat certain foods. Nor, did I go to an acupuncturist or massage therapist. I feel like I have enough doctors appointments as it is, so I didn't want to add more. I do, however, regularly (2x/month) a mental health therapist as I have a panic/anxiety disorder. She also has patients who are undergoing IVF, so I was encouraged to talk about that freely. That was quite helpful.

Well, that has been my 2 weeks in a nutshell. Oh, yeah, I gave my husband "Rock Band" for Christmas. I am getting really, really tired of electric guitar solos......

Don't ask me to place your bets in Vegas

2008-12-23T22:09:00.003-05:00

So, I was just SURE I was only carrying one now. Really, really sure.

Well, just butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Two tiny babies with "perfect" heartbeats: 160bpm. Each are about 1.5 cm long.

Hubby is over the moon. He keeps looking at me and saying "two, two, one for me and one for you!" I'm still pretty nervous. Actually, I'm downright panicky. I want to chalk it up to the hormones. I go from nauseous, to tired, to hungry, to panicky, to all four in the space of a few minutes.

Today was graduation day from the RE. I'm so out of it, I didn't even know :) I thought we we were going to have another meeting. I'm not sure exactly what for......

So now the search is on for an OB!

had to share

2008-12-23T11:19:00.002-05:00

So I am feeling better, relatively. I still get very nauseated, but I haven't thrown up since last Wednesday, so I am thankful for that.

I have an U/S appt this afternoon, which makes me quite nervous for many reasons. First, hubby and I get to see if we are still having twins. (I mentioned before that the radiologist was unimpressed with the second twin.) Then we meet with our RE.

I am feeling a heated discussion between hubby and the RE if I'm eating for three. Not that it is her fault, but hubby is still really annoyed that the surgeon of the practice told him that I shouldn't carry twins, but we were given the option to transfer two anyway. (And I decided to take the risk.) This is despite the fact that my hubby spoke to our nurse 3 days before the transfer about whether a concern about carrying twins was written down in the medical file, and she said "not to worry, all would be handled on the day of transfer." She basically blew him off.

This is all very sticky, as the surgeon mentioned this to hubby, but not to me (or if he did, I was so out of it, I don't remember). AND the surgeon never put it in our medical records, thus why we were given the option of transferring two. The only note in my file is that I should deliver by 36 weeks. This I do remember him telling me--easier to do as it was 3 weeks after the surgery and I was no longer taking pain killers.

Hubby's main concern is that my uterus is not going to be able to handle the strain of two babies and that a tragedy will occur.

You may wonder how I feel. Well, I don't really know how I feel. If I have been given the gift of two babies at once, then I want to embrace that. However, I am scared. Yep, I will finally admit that. EVEN THOUGH it was at my insistence that Hubby agreed to transfer two, I am scared that my uterus will rupture leaving us with no babies and likely no uterus. Of course, every night I'm also worried that I am no longer pregnant. Or I worry about how we're going to be as parents. Or how much lead is in our apartment...Or.....

So we shall look ahead to 1:30 when I will be having a lovely encounter with an ultrasound machine to see what we have before us.

Strangely, I feel like I am only carrying one and this will be a moot point that I will fuss over at a later time.

What a terribly rambling post. Sorry for that. I'm feeling a little jumbled right now.

If you have made it all the way to the end here, then I feel that I should leave you with a phase that someone Go.ogled and found my blog with: "is it possible to steal a woman's egg during an gyn exam."

I am going to laugh about that all day! Ah, if it were only that easy to get donor eggs.... :)

Barfy McBarferson

2008-12-18T00:25:00.002-05:00

So throwing up at home is not too much fun either.

I KNEW that if I actually got pregnant I would be sick. I get nauseous easily: car rides, boat rides, roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, etc.

People at work are starting to ask questions. Questions like: why is Brenda about 2 shades fairer than she normally is. Thus making me almost transparent.

However, before you may/may not become envious about the so-called Morning Sickness. Let me relate a story to you.

This morning, I was staying at home for a while whilst I tried to let my stomach settle. I had already eaten a granola bar, had some crackers, a glass of milk and a glass of juice. I tried to get ready for work, but I just kept feeling sicker and sicker. At one point, I moved to the restroom to see if that was my problem.

Nope, just a little gassy.

BUT THEN....

I was immediately overwhelmed with the need to release my breakfast, that I had no time to pull up my pants. I just flipped around and stuck my head in the toilet.

I took a deep breath....and realized that I had, in every sense of the word, farted. in. my. own. face.

Then I puked my guts out, because every time I took a breath, I inhaled more fart.

Goooood Times.

Throwing up at work is less fun than anticipated

2008-12-13T22:40:00.002-05:00

I had been threatening to do this for the past three days, but on Friday I finally did the deed. Luckily there was no one in the bathroom with me. I don't really feel like trying to make an excuse for that one.

I also want to update the u/s results :)

Here it is w/ comments:

STATUS: Alive (me? or what they are looking at???)
NUMBER: Twin (I hate to quibble, but "twin" isn't a number....)
UTERUS: Fibroid (should read fibroids--I have a couple of them near my cervix)
OVARIES: Right normal, Left not seen ("normal" hahahahhahahahhahaaaa!)
INDICATIONS: Infertility, now pregnant; Advanced maternal age (gee, thanks for slapping that on there.....)

COMMENTS/SUMMARY: Two intrauterine gestational sacs with yolk sacs and embryonic heartbeats seen. 1/2 maternal right. 2/2 maternal left. The second sac is smaller with cloudy amniotic fluid, which is a negative prognosis.

FETAL HEART RATE (#1): 107 beats per minute
FETAL HEART RATE (#2): 105 beats per minute

The radiologist seemed to want to give her condolences about the second embryo. She kept saying that this didn't looked good, but "you never know."

The nurse upstairs was aghast that the radiologist would even put "negative prognosis." " What does she know? She cannot tell the future!" And then she went on to talk about how some Dr. at another clinic told her friend that her embryos for transfer looked ugly and that now she has two beautiful daughters. I wanted to say something about how the beauty of 8 cells does not reflect very much on the beauty of millions and millions of cells, but I refrained.

Hubby and I are very happy and are not worried about the second little one. We have worries about carrying twins. Whatever happens, we will work with it. All we want are healthy baby/ies.

The next u/s is on 8/23. The nurse said that they normally wait two full weeks, but since that will be the day after Christmas, she thought that it would be nice to know something before then. That was very kind of her. I think that she was trying to give us quicker info on the fate of the second little one. We also meet with the RE after the ultrasound. The nurse already talked to us about finding an OB.

Dang! This is the fastest/slowest/strangest rollercoaster ride I have ever been on.

U/S update

2008-12-12T12:20:00.004-05:00

Just a quick note since I am at work. We had the 6 week ultrasound today. The results: 2 little embryos with heartbeats! One looks better than the other, which is smaller and the amniotic fluid seems "cloudy" to the radiologist. The prognosis for the smaller one is not optimal. Actually the wording on the sheet sounds considerably less optimistic for the smaller one. I'll post more about the results when I have the paperwork in front of me at home.

I am so, so relieved. And it was wonderful having my husband there with me as we strained to make out the little heartbeats. And we had a wonderful ultrasound tech to explained everything to us as we went along.

Thanks so much to everyone for leaving comments on the last post; it's so nice to have a place to vent.

I'll update later tonight with more details :)

the wretched side of life--my demons: exposed

2008-12-11T22:40:00.005-05:00

~~~Warning.....I am whiny and expose some pretty raw feelings here, so if you want to jump off this train now, I suggest you do so~~~

So tomorrow at 8 am we have the ultrasound. And I am scared. to. death. Up to this point, I have somewhat successfully "tricked" myself into believing I was only kinda pregnant. I'm not even really sure what that means. Probably my best definition is that something was at one point developing inside of me, as evident by the increasing HCG levels, but is probably gone now.

I feel like I need to tell everyone that I am not generally a pessimist. Really, I'm not. In fact, for all of you that have gotten positive pregnancy tests, I fully BELIEVE that things will work out well for you. But not for me. Not with this. Not when every gyn exam I have had since grad school and every subsequent surgery thereafter has given me bad news. Not when I keep spotting. Not when I read that it is common (up to 1 in 4) for pregnant women to spot lightly during the 1st trimester, but then ONE HALF of these women have a miscarriage. To show you how "glass half empty" I am right now, the sentence actually reads "Approximately half of pregnant women who bleed do not have miscarriages" [Emphasis added].

I am such a bundle of nerves right now. Why, oh why, can I not just roll with the tide? I know I don't have any control over this.....but boy, do I want to. <---Ugh, I hate it when I end sentences this way.

To continue with my whining, I am utterly exhausted every day, cannot focus on a single thing at work (they could all be speaking in a foreign language for all I know--and I fell asleep during two meetings), I feel like someone replaced my somewhat functioning brain with one of those fuzzy filters on the Clari.ton commercials, and I have increasing urgency to barf when I smell food that I normally love, like spaghetti sauce. Sound like normal pregnancy symptoms? Yes. But I have cleverly convinced myself that it is all psychosomatic. [Even though I did not know that feeling utterly fatigued is a sign of early pregnancy....I thought that came later.] No, no. What I am feeling is going to turn out to be a big hoax and my inability to be productive at work is a sign that I am undisciplined and weak. And probably pathetic.

My goodness, I sound so wretched, don't I? In a slightly disturbing way, it feels good just to lay all of this out here. To expose my demons and look at them. They're not pretty, to be sure, but I find that they are not quite as scary "out there," when I can look at them in the light of day and see them for what they are: my horror fantasies.

Well, I may have may you feel slightly ill, but I do actually feel better. Again, looking your demons in the eye, makes them seem somewhat ridiculous. For example: I may be having pregnancy symptoms and no viable pregnancy, but I certainly wouldn't do this to myself on purpose. I also may not be functioning well at work, but I have been there for 3 years and they haven't kicked me out yet, so I cannot suck that badly. Also, I do have flashes of brilliance, or at least competence, at work. There. Demons getting smaller.

Tomorrow is a big hurtle for me: an ultrasound that doesn't involve looking for uterine lining or follicle development. The first ultrasound of that kind for me ever. I am walking down a scary and unfamiliar road. For those of you who have been sticking it out with me, you have my sincere gratitude. Friends that can look at the darker side of you and not scurry away are friends indeed [even if they are only internet friends :) ]

Thank you for letting me share. My burdens seem lighter now. Just a little more manageable.

Until tomorrow........

Just keeping things interesting...

2008-12-08T23:00:00.003-05:00

Well, we left the Big Apple today (and Miracles, we drove--hubby cannot fathom the thought of a train or a bus!). Dora, I don't know how you do it! There are SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE IN NYC! Ugh, I guess REAL New Yorkers aren't going to all the tourist locations, but dang! At one point hubby and I we afloat in a sea of people with very little control over where we were headed :) We eventually got back to each other!

So, in other news, I'm still spotting. Yes, just keeping it interesting. I would hate to have something normal happen. That would be too easy. It's not heavy spotting. I only had that in the beginning. Just light spotting, but every day.

The u/s is Friday. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to get too attached. Sigh. Something about this process sucks the hope out of you just as fast as it gives it to you.

Well, enough self pity for me. I'm off to shower and bed; it's back to the real world tomorrow!

Quickie

2008-12-06T22:25:00.002-05:00

Just a quick post:

Hubby and I went to NY this weekend. Just a quick trip. We've been living just outside of Boston for the past 3 years or so, and we have never made the trip. Since we are not going to visit the relatives in FL this Christmas, we decided to take a real--albeit short-vacation.

First, I want to say, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who has left such nice comments. I still don't really believe that I am pregnant, despite what the blood tests say, but you all are keeping me sane through it all.

Second, many of you have been asking about the U/S date. It has been scheduled for next Friday, the 12th.

Now, I'm going to soak my feet, because D@MN, Manhattan is a lot bigger than I thought it was!!

beta part deux

2008-12-03T17:43:00.003-05:00

My goodness, things have been crazy at work for me this week. I almost don't have time to revel in the amazing news that I got a positive beta and that it is increasing! My beta today (17dp3dt or 20dpo): 2994!

Thus, I present to you, like Peeveme, of a chart of my hCG vaues versus average hCG values over time. I thought that my first value was so very, very high, but on this scale it doesn't look so outrageous. :) Of course that is on a semi-log plat, so a beta of 5000 wouldn't look too outrageous at this point.

In not so pleasant news (including that my job makes me want to jump off the face of a cliff right now), is that I am still spotting. Not very much, not very often. It stops and starts abruptly. I asked the nurse about it. She said that without an ultrasound, there isn't much information we can garner from the spotting. In fact she said, and I quote "we're going to ignore the spotting for now, unless you start bleeding heavily." I like how "we" are going to "ignore the spotting for now." Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. tra-la-la.

No, I'm going to worry about it, because, dammit, it's worrisome. So there. I shall, however, not freak out about it. That I CAN do. For now.

So now, I will officially say it, even though I had a tag on my last post about it: I AM PREGNANT.

I don't know for how long and I don't even want to think about all the things that could go wrong. But for now, I'm pregnant! I'm happy. Sad. Exited. Tired. Scared. Everything all rolled into one. I am still waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop," but so far so good..... :)

Beta Blast

2008-12-01T12:51:00.003-05:00

I'm at work and just got the call. I am trying to write this surreptitiously so as not to attract attention to myself:

15dp3dt or 18dpo:

beta=1316 yikes!

I go back in on Wednesday and we are looking for a 66% increase; so the goal is 2185.

Show and Tell-Simpsons Style

2008-11-29T23:18:00.006-05:00

I was hunting around on the internet and I found a site that you "Simpsonize" yourself for free :) It's not as nice as Mel's pics, but it was a "artist-free" way to make myself into a cartoon!

Here's me:

Here's Hubby:

It's amazing what you can find on the internet :) To see what the rest of the class is showing, head over to Mel's place!

Dark Days

2008-11-28T21:48:00.004-05:00

I don't think I will ever get used to Fall/Winter in New England. During the peak of winter, the sun will set at about 4:30pm. That is so weird. Growing up in Florida, I remember thinking that when the sun went down at 6, that was horribly early. Of course, I also thought it got cold in the winter. My, how perceptions change. Last year, when Hubby and I went down to Florida for Christmas, I packed long sleeved shirts. My hubby? Short sleeved shirts. I thought he was crazy. Turns out I was the crazy one. Crazy and hot.

Besides the darkening days, I am pleased to report that my pregnancy test lines are getting darker as well. Yay! But, as nothing can be straightforward with me, I am also bleeding. Although I know about 'implantation bleeding', I still don't like it. It's not like the bleeding comes with a little card that says "don't worry, this is implantation bleeding," although that would be nice. But since I would be even more freaked out by a small card written in blood, it'll be just a wait and see kind of game. I'm amazingly not freaked out by it, though. If it doesn't lighten up soon, however, I am going to start to worry.

The next goal is for Monday. The beta. And then the beta after that. Small hurtles. Just worry about the next thing on the list.

I don't feel terribly unfunny, but this sounds like such a somber post. So, to lighten the mood I leave you with a picture of my first child:

His name is Max. Isn't he handsome? :)

8dp3dt (11dpo)--again with the acronyms...and news

2008-11-24T22:41:00.007-05:00

So I caved.........

Actually I decided last night I was going to test tomorrow morning. Yes, I was going to buy HPTs after work on Monday and wait until my Hubby got up on Tuesday morning and then we could see the results of the test. Yes, that was the plan.

Exceeeeeeppppppt.....I realized this evening that I hadn't peed all day at work. What?! I generally do not drink a lot of liquids while I am working, so I tend not to have to pee a lot. And then a 5pm when I did have to pee, I just, well didn't.

I had to take a speaker out to dinner tonight, so I was holding it all through dinner. We got done at about 8pm. I swung by the local drugstore and I bought 2 different types of HPTs. When I got home, I told Hubby to hold on tight, 'cuz it could get ugly.

I did the deed and 2 minutes later I saw this.
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left = control right=me!!!!!!!!!

It's faint, but you can see it, right? Right??

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

7dp3dt

2008-11-23T14:35:00.003-05:00

Let the cryptic titles begin in earnest!

Besides the fact that my cycle twin, Peeveme, just got her 1st positive after POAS 5dp5dt (go over there and give her a hug, if you haven't already!!), there is no real news here.

You know, I find it kind of bittersweet all the acronyms I know now: E2, PIO, 2WW (not really an acronym, I know), BFP, BFN.....

When I first started this journey, I was constantly having to Go*ogle all the phrases so that I could keep up with the conversation: Who was this DH and DD? What's the difference b/w POAS and PCOS? And what in the world is a beta? (I still don't understand the beta part....is this short for something? Why don't they just call it an HCG level test? Can anyone enlighten me?)

The bitter part of this bittersweet knowledge is that I have been here long enough to learn most of these acronyms (and am constantly learning more!), and more than a few apply to me. The sweet part is that I have joined a community that has welcomed me with open arms. :) Although, I still have until Dec. 1st before the dreaded beta, you are making this wait so much better. Thank you :)

Patiently waiting.....so far

2008-11-21T23:21:00.004-05:00

So today is 5dp 3dt. I have been analyzing all body signs for possible pregnancy symptoms. Of course, I've never ACTUALLY BEEN pregnant, so I am not entirely sure what I would feel like. However, if pregnancy makes you get a really awful case of the "trots" after eating a large Caesar salad for lunch, then I must be pregnant. Seriously, how horrible is it to have an upset stomach at work? It's not like you have any privacy. And it becomes a little weird when to run, clutching your abdomen, to the restroom. What, too much information? Sorry :)

However on the pregnancy symptoms front, I am interested in what you guys think. Most women, I'm guessing, would never have a clue that they were pregnant until they missed their period. Does it seem fruitless that we (including me) analyze every twinge, tweak and pain that we have? Do you think the PIO amplifies any symptoms? Or does the loss (or lessening) of our fertility heighten our other senses to the point that we can spot pregnancy symptoms long before the average fertile woman?

My symptoms? Well, I thought you'd never ask! Well, yesterday I was crampy off and on all day. My boobs are also so sore that I have to wear a bra to bed, because if I don't, when I turn over it feels like I am heaving 5 extra pounds of pummeled meat across my body.....what? Too much information again?? Sigh.

Sweet Sixteen

2008-11-18T15:39:00.003-05:00

So our nurse just called, and again asked me if I was sitting down. They froze away 16 embryos. SIXTEEN. Wow! Um....wow. Of course, they are at day 3 when frozen away, so who knows how well they will thaw. But, wow, just wow. I'm pretty speechless now. I'm going to call my husband; we had a running bet. Me:12 Him: 10. Huh. Wow. Wow!

And here I sit

2008-11-17T13:42:00.002-05:00

So the transfer was on Sunday and my clinic wants me to be a couch potato for two days. So here I sit, looking for something interesting to do.

It has been easier to sit on my rump today than I thought. That's not because normally I am an active, energetic person and to sit down all day would drive me crazy. No, no, not at all. Normally if I am at home from work, I tend to have panic attacks. Yes, weird I know.

However, today I am just sort of taking it easy.

The clinic called and said that my progesterone and estradiol levels were good (they did my bloodwork yesterday). I also asked if there was any word on how many embryos they were able to freeze. [my clinic seems a little out of the norm in that they freeze away at day 3, according to the doctor in charge yesterday.] The nurse replies that she hasn't gotten word of any freezing, so that probably means that there weren't any to freeze away.

Ahhhh, what?? Twenty-one eggs fertilized, I get two, and there are none to freeze away?

"Or," she quickly replies, "they just haven't sent me the information yet."

Ok, whew. So perhaps later we will get some good news.

Oh, speaking of later (and hopefully good news), my beta is set for Dec 1. What day is that....let's see....a Monday.

Oh crap. I just realized that I am scheduled to give a presentation at work on that Thursday. Great. I am either going to be really happy or really sad. This should be fun.

Ok, I'll quit rambling now......

Show and Tell

2008-11-16T22:11:00.006-05:00

Along the same theme of furry friends, I present to you our three Roborosvski (Robo) Hamsters!

They are a little hard to photograph, as they are quite small (about the size of your thumb) and they are very, very fast.

They are all named Rosie, since they are nearly impossible to tell apart, and when they fill their cheeks full of seeds I thought that they looked really buff, like Rosie the Riveter.

Want to see more Show-and-tell? Head over to Mel's place!

Two

2008-11-16T09:31:00.003-05:00

Weee'reeeeeee baaaaaaaaccckk.

As you can probably tell from the title, we transferred two embryos. Both were 8 cell, but we didn't get a grade, per se, on them.

Unfortunately, the point of contention between my Hubby and I reared its ugly head at the clinic.

I should probably give an abridged backstory.

So, in March of this year I had my second uterine surgery. Now, this Dr. (Dr. S) is really a talented surgeon, working with the latest equipment in the field. He, I think, also blows stuff out of his ass when talking with you. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but here are a few things that have happened that make me doubt that he is always 100% certain on his decisions/follow through.

Point 1) On this last surgery, we had discussed removing a fallopian tube. It tends to get full of menstrual fluid and get painful. The doctor wrote this down on his notes to enter into the computer. On the day of the surgery, I could not discuss anything with him, because HE DID NOT ACTUALLY MEET WITH ME, just his assistant surgeons. I assumed I was going to speak with him, so I didn't bring up the fallopian tube matter. Then again, I thought, why should I? It was clearly written in his notes anyway. After surgery? Still had the fallopian tube. Still causes me occasional pain.

Point 2) When he saw me for the post surgical followup in his office, he couldn't remember how long it had been since I had actually HAD the surgery, even though it was written on the paper in front of him. When I asked him if he actually entered the uterine cavity itself during the surgery, he initially said no. But then he read his surgical summary, which he gave to me, and said, "Oh wait, yes I did." Now, I understand that he is very busy, but..... our conversation then followed about the type of shoes that I was wearing and how he would like to get a pair like that for one of his daughters. Thanks. During the same visit, he said that because of the surgeries, I should deliver at 36 weeks and undergo a C-section. Information that would have been nice to have before we had the procedure.

Point 3) During this same visit, he gave me a date for when we could start IVF. I then told him, "Oh, after the surgery you suggested that we wait an extra 4 weeks." His response, "Oh, did I say that? Then do that." Thanks.

So, unless he has written down something in stone, I don't actually believe that it is 100% medically necessary.

Hubby's point: Dr. S clearly said after my last surgery that we should not carry twins because of the increased risk of uterine failure.

So, during the time when we contacted the donor agency and when the donor was getting ready, we had a few discussions with our family. I said the clinic would let us know their recommendation for transfer, he said "we already know their recommendation, one."

Hubby wanted clarification on the subject. Even a sit-down meeting with our Dr. or with Dr. S. I agreed, but said that he should call our Dr.'s nurse and ask if it was in the medical records, because then it would take care of the whole decision-making process on our part. When he spoke to the nurse, she said that all of this would be discussed with us at the time of transfer. Hubby felt better. I felt better.

Today the transfer Dr. said, "given our calculations...blah, blah, blah...we recommend transferring two embryos." Hubby's eyes squinted, his face contorted slightly.

"Dr. S told us that she was not allowed to carry twins. That should be in the medical record. Is it there?"

*Dumbfounded look by Dr. Transfer.* "Well, I haven't read through all the medical history, but.....you can always just transfer one."

Me: "Ok, what are the chances of twins from transferring two donor egg embryos?'

Dr. Transfer: "Well, there is a 50-60% chance of pregnancy with donor embryos when you transfer two. And if you do get pregant, a 20% chance of having twins. But, as I said, you can still just transfer one embryo. There are pros and cons to that. For example, you chances of pregnancy are lower, but you chances of a singleton resulting from that pregnancy are higher....blah, blah, blah."

Hubby: "But the point was that we didn't want to have to choose. Dr. S said that she should not carry twins, why are we given the choice to transfer two?'

I interject: "Can we have a few minutes?"

A discussion ensues between hubby and I about the number to transfer. His take: "you cannot carry twins; if you get pregnant with twins, we may have to go for a fetal reduction. Are you prepared to do that?"

Me: "No. But I don't believe Dr. S; I think that we would probably have a high risk pregnancy if we had twins, but I don't think that it would come d0wn to a fetal reduction."

This goes on back and forth for a few minutes. Hubby plays the odds in his head. "Well....the chance of you actually becoming pregnant with twins is relatively low, all things considered. And we have terrible luck in betting (we like to play online [free] card games and stuff--that way when we lose a lot of "money" we don't care). So....."

Me: "So, we will transfer two and leave it in God's hands?"

Hubby: "Sure. It is in His hands anyway."

Dr. Transfer comes back in. "So, I was reading through the medical record and Dr. S only says that you should deliver at 36 weeks. There is no mention of not carrying twins."

"Then two," I say.

And that was it.

But.........now I feel a little queasy. I hate it when my hubby and I have such fundamental differences on issues. Normally, one of us is convinced by the other's argument. Or one just gives in. Now I feel strangely guilty about the whole thing. Kind of like I twisted his arm into having two transferred, and if anything gets messy later on, it is definitely going to be my fault. Because, the reality is, we will probably have embryos to freeze, meaning that we have a "second chance" later.

Of course, I'm completely dealing in hypotheticals here. I am not even pregnant yet.

And whilst I fret and worry on the couch here? Hubby has gone back to bed. And what is infuriating is that I KNOW that now that the decision has been made, he is fine with it. We will just deal with the outcome. I, however, continue to twist in the wind.

I think, rather, I should be focusing more on my 50-60 % chance of pregnancy at all, rather than multiples....and that I should take a nap :)

Transfer day

2008-11-15T14:25:00.002-05:00

Just got the call, transfer is going to be tomorrow at 8:30 am. Discussions with the attending doctor will ensue, we will get an update on the status of the embryos and the number that we will transfer.

This brings me to a point of contention between Hubby and I. The number of embryos to transfer. 1 or 2. Over the last few days this decision has gotten a lot easier for me, as I am hopeful that we will have embryos to freeze away. I vote for 2, Hubby INSISTS on one. Not that he doesn't have a good reason. It seems that I have conveniently "forgotten" that the surgeon in our clinic said that I should not carry multiples as I have had two surgeries on my uterus. Hubby seems to think that this man with a medical degree and years of experience has a point. Whatever.

...and I didn't hear much after that

2008-11-14T21:09:00.002-05:00

TWENTY-ONE.

Yes, twenty-one fertilized eggs.

The nurse said something after that about her being a "amazing" donor and that we will get a call on Saturday for a Sunday transfer time.

Other things happened today, I think. But I really don't remember much after that phone call.

I am utterly thankful, hopeful and in awe.

Retrieval

2008-11-14T07:11:00.004-05:00

First off, I want to thank everyone who visited and left words of encouragement. It means so much, it really does. With this cycle, it has been the first time I have blogged, and the first time I have written anything so emotionally raw for anyone to read. You have been both kind and gentle. Thanks again.

Now for for the retrieval news: are you sitting down? Because the donor coordinator suggested that I did:
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31 eggs........

Because I know that quality means much more than quantity, we are eagerly waiting the fertilization report today.

All my dreams last night were about dividing embryos. No, really. I had one dream where I went to a lab and they had a camera set up on the petri dishes and you could monitor how everything was dividing. Then more people came to join me, including my husband. We sat down in the lab, cross-legged on the floor, and started doing our high school history reading, which was being taught by one of my uncles.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

Ahem. Anyway, I will keep you updated on the fertilization report.....please keep your fingers crossed and the prayers coming.....

The waiting game

2008-11-12T23:24:00.003-05:00

No real news to report here. Just waiting for tomorrow.

For anyone wondering how the meeting with the donor went, I plan to post on that sometime soon. The quick headline is that she really is a lovely person and I am so glad we were able to speak with her.

So for now, we wait. Wait until 2:15 tomorrow when our donor is undergoing her retrieval. Wait to hear about the fertilization report on Friday. And wait to hear if any of the embryos will make it to transfer on Sunday.

I've waited 35 years to become a mom, so I guess I can wait a little more.

Bring on the retrieval!

2008-11-11T23:41:00.002-05:00

So here we are at day 7 of stimulation for our donor, and yes, we are going to trigger today. Well, actually she will be probably triggering at 2:15am Wednesday morning...in a few hours from now. We have a retrieval time set for 2:15pm on Thursday. Our nurse said that we will get a fertilization report on Friday. Then on Saturday, we will get a time to come in for transfer on Sunday. I asked if we would only be doing a 3 day transfer, as many of you have mentioned 5 and 6 day transfers. But Sunday it will be, to the best of her knowledge.

Remember how I said that I wanted more follicles? Well, I got them: 20, to be exact. Here's to continued good news....

Cycle update...good news?

2008-11-10T22:57:00.002-05:00

Our donor, I need to give her a name, let's say Reese, went in to our clinic and had bloodwork and an ultrasound done today. Anxiously waiting the news, but knowing that it was too early for any real news, I jumped when my cell phone rang. The nurse at our RE practice, Kathy, was asking if I was in a place where I could "talk freely". I have always kind of liked that phrase that the RE's office uses "talk freely", it makes me feel like I'm kind of a spy rather than a medically challenged person who shouldn't be talking about her vajay-jay with her co-workers around. But I digress....

The news was good, I think. Reese has already greatly stimulated: she had 14 countable follicles. Yes, fourteen follicles on day SIX of stims. And not just tiny follicles either, her largest is at 32mm. Our nurse says that the protocol is to "trigger" (have her take the HCG shot to mature the eggs) when at least one of the eggs is at 36mm. And that could be TOMORROW. The nurse actually congratulated ME.

She was probably trying to fill in the void of empty space that was on the phone line, because I was completely at a loss for words.

And after the phone call I almost started crying.

Crying because we are actually reaching another hurtle.
Crying because this wonderful woman can produce more follicles in 6 days than I could in 3 entire cycles.
Crying because I don't know if stimulating that fast gives viable eggs.
Crying because I for the first time in a long time I have hope. Such fragile hope. And I am afraid that we will again come so close and yet meet another unpleasant end.

And how sick am I? My first thought on the phone with the nurse was "No, don't trigger her yet. We need more eggs. Like 24. Twenty-four is a good number right?? Just give her a few more days. Who knows if these eggs are viable. We need more in case this time it doesn't work. I can't go through this again. " Desperation is an unpleasant cologne indeed.

Please don't misunderstand me. I ABSOLUTELY do not want our donor to overstimulate. OHSS sounds horrible and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Least of all a woman who has generously donate a part of herself to help us. I just want....our child. Our children. Our success story. Our family.

And now that I am home, I think I am going to go ahead and let myself cry.

WAYYYYYY LAAAAATTTEE

2008-11-09T03:20:00.004-05:00

Oh My Goodness, I got tagged by Michelle at In Pursuit of Parenthood IN OC-freakin'-TOBER and I didn't even know it.

This will tell you how big of a dork I am: I was reading her blog, which I l*heart* by the way, and I saw a list of questions to be answered and thought to myself, "Self, this is a really cool list. I wonder if I will ever get tagged for something like this." I mentally answer all the questions to myself. (Which I have done twice now) and then read down allll the way to the end of the list. I saw a list of blogs which I noticed before but never looked at too closely. But there I was!

Yay! I'm so excited (and apparently easily amused).

The way this works is that I am supposed to answer in one word (Me? yeah, right) and then pass this on to 7 bloggers.

So, here goes:

1. Where is your cell phone? Charging in the "den"
2. Where is your significant other? On the chair next to me
3. Your hair color? Brown-brown-brown
4. Your mother? Accepting
5. Your father? Crinkles his eyes when he smiles
6. Your favorite thing? Getting warm and cozy under a blanket
7. Your dream last night? Don't remember
8. Your dream/goal? Children
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? Is surfing the internet a hobby?????
11. Your fear? Being obsessed with having children to the point that it smothers my soul (Oooooh, that was a little raw....)
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Mom, with a job with a regular schedule
13. Where were you last night? Sittin' my butt on the couch
14. What you're not? Vindictive
15. One of your wish list items? Hahahahaha. Does having a baby count?
16. Where you grew up? Florida--so hot, so very, very, mind-numbingly hot
17. The last thing you did? Ate Indian food my friend cooked at a dinner party--yum!
18. What are you wearing? T-shirt and shorts.
19. Your T.V.? Currently commandeered to play X-box games
20. Your pet? Max the black (cat), Zoe and Nola (guinea pigs), and 4 (yes, four) hamsters...can anyone say "nesting"?
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? nervous
23. Missing someone? Yes
24. Your car? Toyota Carolla
25. Something you're not wearing? Um,....a bra. C'mon, It's 3 in the morning, people!
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? Over
28. Love someone? Yes ;)
29. Your favorite color? blue and green (it's a tie)
30. When is the last time you laughed? Tonight
31. Last time you cried? This afternoon.

Now for the tagging part:

http://hopeforbaby.blogspot.com/

http://chanceworthtaking.blogspot.com/

http://peeveme.blogspot.com/

http://battynurse.blogspot.com/

http://isothegoldenegg.blogspot.com/

http://thefertileinfertile.blogspot.com/

http://musicmakermomma.livejournal.com/

I hope to see your answers :)

Show and Tell

2008-11-09T00:42:00.006-05:00

It's been a gray few days here in my neck of the woods, so I thought that I would post some pictures from last April when Hubby and I went to Las Vegas, my first time there :)

We walked through all of the major casinos on the strip, but my favorite was at the Bellagio. It had an spring motif featuring butterflies, poppies and tulips. We had to go back twice so I could take it all in:

Painted umbrellas hung from the ceiling and the gardens were adorned with glass poppy sculptures

Up close and personal with a poppy

One side of the garden featuring tulips

Just lovely isn't it? They had a butterfly enclosure at one end where they were raising butterflies that they would release every week to help pollinate the flowers and trees in the area.

So that's my show and tell, don't forget to check out the rest of the class this week!

Cycle update

2008-11-08T00:51:00.003-05:00

First, I want to say a special thank you to everyone who left comments about meeting our donor. I was thinking along the same lines as you, and it was nice to get some verification :) .

I really liked the comment asking her what she would like the child to know about her. I hope that doesn't sound like too invasive of a question. She seems really laid back and understanding. When we signed the contract, we had asked specifically if she would be willing to meet any children resulting from egg donation when they turned 18. She agreed. She also agreed to be contacted in case of a medical emergency that would require a genetic relative. Perhaps she is so understanding because she has two children of her own.....I'm not sure, but I do feel more relaxed about meeting her and I thank all of you for that.

In a cycle update, our donor went in for her baseline on Tuesday the 4th. All went well and she started her stim meds! She goes back in Monday for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I think that this puts the estimated retrieval around Nov 15/16. That would be THIS COMING WEEKEND!! After all this waiting.....I can't think too far ahead in the future, though. It just becomes too overwhelming, too ripe with possibilites and potential sadness. I am just trying to look ahead to the next hurtle. For me, that will be meeting her this Sunday.

I'll let you know how it goes....

Day of Reconing

2008-11-02T01:33:00.004-04:00

So....this are moving smoothly in the Hope Springs Infertile household. A little TOO smoothly.

We are smack in the middle of our first (and only??) Donor Egg cycle (IVF #4). My hormones are sufficiently suppressed and my estradiol count sufficiently is elevated. The donor has started on her lupron, quit her birth control and is waiting for her period. She should get her period any day now (predicted to be Nov 2). When she does, she will go in for a baseline and the process will move to "THE STIMULATION PHASE." (This should be said with a deep and dramatic voice).

Besides the fact that for most of last week I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, things are indeed going smoothly. I do try to take it one day at a time. One hurtle at a time. I am, though, nervously looking ahead. Not to a pregancy or a baby, but to viable eggs. Something of which I know little about.

When my husband and I started considering DE a year ago after my 3rd failed IVF (the second in which I had failed to even stimulate), we had a lot of long, heavy conversations. We moved from the initial "Should we try again hoping for our own eggs? How do you feel about the baby being genetically related to only one of us?" to "Are we going to tell our parents? Our (potential) kids?" We decided yes to both questions, because we wanted there to be no secrets to how our children were conceived. Now, in the parents/other relatives department, don't get me wrong. We haven't told everyone, just close family. We also just update them with the facts, not too much info, as this is obviously a very personal decision.

One thing that we did decide on was that we would let our potential kids know of their origins. That we wanted to have children very much and needed to use another woman's eggs in order to do so. We didn't want to turn this into a large family secret. The gorilla in the room, as it were. We both remember the struggle to find out who we really "were" when we were growing up, and although using DE adds a layer of complexity for them, we didn't want it to seem 'bad.' We don't want to make it a taboo subject in our home. That may make it more uncomfortable for us, but we think it will be best for them. That means that they are going to have a lot of questions. And we would like to have a least some of the answers.

That is why we want to meet our donor. We didn't have any friends or family who could donate for us, so our donor is virtually anonymous to us, save for her profile that we looked at 6 months ago. Although we know what we read, we want to tell our kids that we spoke to her, asked her some questions, etc.

Now the time has come. We are moving onto THE STIMULATION PHASE. If there were ever a time to meet her, now is it. We have a date and a time: next Sunday, Nov 9 at 1pm.

And I am really scared.

Of what, I'm not sure.

And I cannot think of a single thing to ask her.

My husband appears quite comfortable. I asked him if he would tell me what he was going to ask her, but he is being a bit coy. I think that he doesn't want me to steal his questions. :)

I feel as though any thing I might ask is going to come out sounding dumb, or worse, invasive. My mind is in a total fog.

I think some of my fear in meeting her is that all of this will become real. Really. Really. Real. We really could get pregnant. We really could have a baby. Or we really could have yet another disappointment.

Does any one have any suggestions on what you would want to know if you were told you were born of donor eggs?

Show and Tell

2008-11-02T01:08:00.005-04:00

So today Hubby and I went out on a driving tour to look at the changing leaves. It's a little late here in New England for that, but we went out nonetheless. I put fresh batteries in the camera and everything. We did see a lot of beautiful foliage, but darned if I didn't forget to actually get the camera out.....

So instead, today's Show and Tell will be stock footage from my hard drive of one of my guinea pigs.

Nola resting on Hubby's arm

While she does look a tad bit uncomfortable in this picture, I can assure you that no piggies were harmed in the making of this photo. (Although, if she had any pride, I'm sure it would be gone.) She will even eat when we put her on her back, and believe me, guinea pigs DO NOT eat if they are scared.

Here's one of my favorite photos of her.

A piggy smile!

Actually, this is the same photo as my profile picture, just zoomed in on the piggy.

I think that our poor animals hope and pray that we have kids soon so that we will quit making them pose for silly pictures. Poor things :)

Wanna see more Show and Tell? Head over to Mel's for a complete list!

Putting the IF in life...

2008-10-30T23:39:00.004-04:00

So the expected date that our donor goes in for her baseline is November 2nd. I've known that date for a while now, but I just realized that it is this SUNDAY. Could all of this be really happening? I keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop," waiting for something horrible to go wrong. Steeling myself for the worst.

I have this inability to go beyond the moment. I can't think too far in the future. I won't calculate what my due date will be if I get pregnant in November. I won't think of baby names. I won't think about how the place that we rent is probably riddled with lead paint. And I WON'T talk about our children as if they are a forgone certainty.

Infertility has caused me to put so many qualifiers on my phrases: "IF I am fortunate enough to get pregnant. IF we are lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy. IF we are blessed with more than one child." If, if, if, if. I realize that it is probably not a coincidence that the initials for infertility is IF.

I wish that this part of my life was not a big "what IF." Even though I know it is not a possibility, I wish that having children was something I COULD take for granted. Say, perhaps, like some friends of ours who did not want to have kids. They were on birth control and just found out that SHE IS 13 WEEKS PREGNANT. Really, now. I think I may have to call shenanigans on that one. How does someone not realize they are pregnant until 13 weeks into their pregnancy when they are on the pill? Wouldn't you notice the LACK PERIOD FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS??? I know that there are always exceptions to the rule, but really? Three months into it? Not much of a clue?

They are the second couple in the last year that I have known to get pregnant on the pill. Being a scientist, I have conducted a research study on this phenomenon and have decided that I am like a black hole of infertility, you only have to know me, be in my vicinity in the past year and my infertility will act as a gigantic force of nature, using all of its mass to pull out any shred of infertility in others, either induced or uninduced. Not that I'm bitter. Not that I am trying to make this about me......right?? um, yeah.

Bah.

2008-10-28T00:06:00.004-04:00

So I should be hopeful, right? I went in Thursday for a blood draw and I was fully suppressed. Good news! I then added 4 mgs of estradiol and lowered the dose of lupron to 5 units. I went in on Saturday for a blood draw and my estradiol level was in the good range, so the donor is set to start her meds now. This is great, yes? Then why am I feeling so tired and hopeless. And why is my face breaking out? And I feel like I am barely able to keep any food down. And why does my boss tell me to quit thinking "inside the box" and "fly by the seat of my pants?" If he only knew how many hormones I am on. Or that I have become incomprehensibly gassy. Perhaps he wouldn't be so quick to have me fly by the seat of my pants. I could have just taken off from the seat I was in.........Gah. Bah. Bad Monday. OK, I'll quit whining now.

The maiden and her lupron

2008-10-19T02:26:00.002-04:00

Gentle reader, let me tell you a story. A story that begins with a woman and her lupron. A woman and her missing lupron, and the hilarity that ensued....

This story starts out just like it has for the past 6 days, with the sound of an alarm clock going off a the ungodly hour of 6:45 a.m. Not trying to wake her fair prince, the maiden lumbers out of bed, cursing the alarm clock, as she is NOT a morning maiden.

The fair maiden stumbles out to the castle living room, turns on the torchlight, and ignoring the pleading and whining from the royal pets about the snack that they would like to have, proceeds to locate her needles and lupron, neatly placed in their box in the royal cabinet. Through blurry eyes, she notices that she has her needle in hand, but cannot find the lupron. "What?" she declares sweetly and princess-like. "However did I misplace my lupron? Well, it cannot have gotten far, for surely I have placed it in the cabinet were the rest of the royal baby-making supplies are."

But lo, the maiden looks high and low, low and high. She takes everything out of the lupron box. She takes everything out of the royal cabinet. She searches by her disposed needle box, by the royal pet boxes, in the refrigerator, in the bathroom and in between the couch cushions.

"Oh dear. Oh dear." she cries, without ever letting a swearword or five hundred pass from her lips. And then she wonders, "did I happen to throw the lupron in the trash yesterday morning when I threw out my royal needle cover and royal isopropanol wipe? Surely, no!"

But alas, it appears that after all this searching, this is the only place left it could be. So at 7:15 a.m. the now grumpy maiden proceeds to get a new trashbag out and place the pieces of trash from the old bag into the new piece by piece. She notices a timeline for the layers of trash, a strata if you will, with tacos for dinner at night covering the needle package and isopropanol wipe from the night before. No lupron yet, but the maiden keeps digging. Ah yes, dirty napkins, scrapings from dinner two days before. Still no lupron. But, it is small, and perhaps it has worked its way to the bottom of the bag. Un-merrily, the maiden digs on until she reaches the coffee grounds at the bottom of the trash bag. No royal lupron. "Shitsy. Oh, I mean deary me! Whatever will I do. I don't want to ring the physician-on-call at the royal fertility clinic. Perhaps I can solve this problem on my own."

So the now less than fair, slightly panicy maiden thinks really, really hard, using the few brain cells that work at what is now 7:30 a.m.

"Aha!" she cries. I have a royal bag of unused medicine in my royal closet. I remember that I had some lupron in there!" So digging into that bag she goes, trying not to think about the amount of royal money that was spent on the usused medications or the failed cycles that they represent.

"Lupron--yes, lupron, there you are, just in the bottom of the bag where I placed you. I shall call the happy little bluebirds to bring me my needle. I shall inject myself with you and then lay myself to slumber.......Oh, sonofabitch the lupron expired in April."

By now the fair maiden was too weary and too irritated to care. She grabbed the expired bottle of lupron, plopped herself down in her loyal chair and injected herself with the expired lupron, figuring that it still had some potency left. Drug companies usually hedge their bets on when their drugs expire. So inject herself she does.

After taking her royal needle and depositing it in the royal needle disposal box and throwing the isopropanol wipe in the *new* garbage bag, she feels a pull. A pull to the royal baby-making medicine cabinet, the one she systematically took apart piece by piece, the one which housed her box with needles and lupron which she searched 5 (yes, five) times. For some reason she opens the box again. Instead of grabbing all the needles in one hand while searching the box, she mearly peers into the box.

And there, nestled in amongst the needles, is HER MISSING BOTTLE OF LUPRON.

"Oh motherf*cking holy hell." Ahem, I mean "Oh fiddlesticks!"

A New Journey

2008-10-19T01:55:00.003-04:00

So today is the day. Well, rather, tonight is the night.

I have spent so much time writing about where I've been, that I've neglected to say where I'm going.

Tonight I take my last birth control pill (or Irony Pills, as I have been calling them) and hope to soon get what will be my last period for nine months.

Wow. I can't believe I wrote that. Not the pill part, but the 9 months part. Of course, besting Aunt Flo is still something that will take a lot of science and prayers. Seemingly a dichotomy, but somehow fused in a complicated pattern of life and hope in my mind.

We are "starting" our journey to parenthood using donor eggs.

I say starting in quotes , because we have been on this journey for the last year now. Yes, exactly one year last November. I should, and will, post about that later. Now I am just a little overwhelmed.

We've been given a tentative schedule: take last b.c. pill on the 19th, wait for period. If I get my period (which I always do, I'm a champ in that department), I'll go in for bloodwork on the 22nd. If all looks good, I reduce the lupron injections in half compared to what I'm taking now, and start loading me up with estrogen. If THAT goes well, then the donor will start stimulating......she's estimated to go in for a check on the 1st of November, with a possible retrieval on Nov 13 or 14th. Of course these dates are not set in stone, and nothing here has ever worked according to MY timetable, so I'm trying to stay flexible in my mind (that sounds weird---like mind gymnastics or something).

I feel a small ray of hope that this journey brings....and a lot of fear. Fear that it wont work. Fear that if it does work I'll miscarry. Fear that I'll never be able to relax about this.

Show and tell

2008-10-19T01:10:00.007-04:00

Since it is getting colder out (at least for those of us here in the northeastern United States, I thought that I would post some pictures from last Spring (May, I believe) when Ryan and I visited the Boston Public Gardens. Tulips are my favorite flowers...

A bed of beautiful white and red tulips

The front of the Boston Public Garden

Weeping willows overhanging the pond

A swan on the pond

Now that the leaves are turning I should go out and take some photographs of all the lovely trees out there.

I grew up in Florida, so the idea of "seasons" still fascinates me...I even still enjoy the snow. Of course we have only had to deal with it for the last 3 years, so maybe the novelty will wear off on me. I love when it snows after dark, when the ground is sparkling, white and smooth and you look up to see all the small flakes falling from the skies....

Recent History--part three or IVF 1, 2 & 3: a whirlwind of activity

2008-10-14T22:14:00.004-04:00

By the time April rolled around, when the doctors said we could start IVF again, I was nervous, excited, and scared. After attending an orientation class at our IVF clinic, shown how to give myself injections (I left sweaty hand prints on everything I touched when I was holding the needle), we were ready to go.

After an excruciating time getting the medicines (a topic for another blog post), we were on the road. Now, I would never say I was a morning person, so dragging my fat butt out of bed at 6:30am to give oneself multiple injections left a lot to be desired. Then again, so did not having a child. So out of the bed I came, bleary-eyed, to the vials and needles that I had set out the night before and began mixing, flicking and poking my way to what I hoped were super follicles.

I was really unclear as to what was supposed to be happening. Actually, I knew what was supposed to happen, I just was unable to see danger signs.

The first danger sign was that after a week of stims on the doctor's "second-most aggressive protocol" my estradiol levels (a measure of developing follicles) were in the 200's. So the nurse in charge (NIC) of my chart, bumped me up to the "most aggressive" protocol. Fine.

I went in for an estradiol check a few days later. "We're moving up, slowly, but it looks better." I was up to 350.

The next day I had more bloodwork. I was up to around 450, I think. "Here we go," said NIC. "Come in on Saturday for another estradiol check and an ultrasound."

Since it was on a Saturday, my husband came with me, and I "forced" him to come in the back room with me for the ultrasound. I had given him the rundown about my new-found relationship with "Mr. Wand," but I thought that formal introductions were necessary, given the intimacy of the relationship. After modest introductions, Mr. Wand disappeared into the recesses of my body cavity and the probing began.

Ultrasound techs cannot give info about what they see, at least at my facility, so we waited for the phone call later that afternoon.

I remember that I rushed to the phone with a pad and pencil to write down any further instructions. The Saturday nurse read me my estradiol number: 451. One follicle detected. "Great," I thought, "I have a visible follicle." Unfortunately, after 10 days of stims, 1 follicle and a non-doubling estradiol level does not a protocol continuation make.

I have to admit I was taken completely by surprise when the nurse said that we were going to have to scrap the cycle.

Really? Scrap the cycle? Just like that?

Unfortunately, this news came the day before the most coveted of holidays for infertiles: Mother's Day.

I spend most of Saturday crying. Trying to pull myself out of the funk, I suggested that Sunday my husband and I go out to eat.

Haahahahahahahahahahaa! Wrapped up in my own grief, it had completely escaped me that on Mother's Day, hundreds of mothers would descend upon eateries around the area, smartly dressed children in tow. We ate dinner quickly and returned home.

For IVF attempt #2 I was a little more knowledgeable. We started that protocol in June. It was slight variation on the original theme of pump-her-with-as-much-hormones-as possible.

This time, however, we had better results. My estradiol levels were climbing. They were finding follicles. Good reports were coming back. We were actually given a day to have the trigger shot and a retrieval day!

Times were scheduled. Appointments were made. We were ecstatic!

The retrieval went well: out of the 8 follicles seen, 6 eggs were recovered. The next day we were told 4 fertilized. A transfer day was set. Things were moving so fast now!

Two days later we went in for the transfer. Of the 4 fertilized eggs, 1 had quit dividing after the 1st day, so it was not a candidate for transfer. Of the other three, one had only progressed to three cells, so its future was not in my uterus either. The other two showed more promise: they were still dividing, although one embryo was only at 4 cells while the second one was at 6 cells. I wasn't sure how many cells there were supposed to be at this stage (I had instituted an internet "blackout" for myself to try to limit my stress level), but six cells seemed about right from what I remembered from my readings.

While six cells may be close, eight is actually the number one is going for. Well, perhaps my little guys were just slow-pokes. Surely bathing them in the temple that was my newly reconstructed uterus would give them just the chance they needed.

I NERVOUSLY set about for my two-week-wait. I fidgeted, I daydreamed, I did relaxation exercises, I spoke to my therapist, I spoke to my husband, I tried to concentrate at work. I did, however, realize that the day I went in for the blood test, that I would not be at work that day. I was holding it together, but barely. Bloodwork at my clinic is always drawn between 7 and 8:30 am, so I had half a day to kill before the blood test came back.

I went home. I watched crappy TV; I waited for the phone call from NIC. When the phone rang, my heart stopped beating. I held my breath. "I'm sorry, I have bad news. You're not pregnant." I thanked NIC for calling, I hung up the phone and called my husband. I don't think that he could understand a word I said, but he got the gist. He was kind and sent flowers at home for me. But I was inconsolable. See, we had broken a cardinal rule of IVF, don't tell your family unless you are ready for them to ask questions. They knew what day I should have the answer. They called. My husband called them back when he got home from work. That was the day before my mother's birthday, July 16.

IVF # 3 I was ready for. We had taken a month off, to rest and recuperate. By now I had dealt with my pharmacy long enough to know the protocol; I had the drill down pat. I knew who to call and where in order to get all the meds that were prescribed for me.

I also knew what my estradiol numbers should look like. I knew what to expect if the ultrasound techs found follicles (a lot less poking around and a lot more typing on the screen).

So it came as no surprise to me when my third IVF cycle was canceled before retrieval. I called my husband and told him as much when I got back from that morning's ultrasound and bloodwork. "You see," said the ultrasound tech to the tech-in-training, "when the patient has been on fertility medicine for a number of days, it will be easier to see the ovaries. They'll have a number of follicles on them." I guess he didn't know I had been stimulating for a week and a half.

That was where we left off in September of 2007. By this time I had been combing the internet for solace. A little preganant had just had similar results with her latest attempt at stimulation. Her doctor had recommended using donor eggs. I wasn't sure if we were on the same journey...

Show and Tell

2008-10-12T20:47:00.003-04:00

This is my first show and tell, but I thought that I would share some pictures from a "gathering" that my husband and I went to over this summer: a guinea pig pignic!

The last two pictures are of our guinea pigs. And before you ask, yes it is a little odd, but it is also a lot of fun. Basically, some kind and dedicated organizers decide a place and a date for the pignic. They bring fencing to keep the piggies corralled and signs to mark the girls and boys cages. People come, bring their piggies and snacks for the pigs and humans. Everyone just hangs out, talks and laughs watching the guinea pigs run around in the enclosed areas. Then there is a contest for such silly things as "porkiest pig," or pig with the longest fur termed the "Fabio" prize for the boy and "Repunzel" prize for the girl. Everyone laughs, has fun and gets to meet a lot of other people from around the area!

Recent History--part two

2008-10-06T23:08:00.002-04:00

After consultation with a laparoscopic specialist at the practice, I geared up for surgery. I went in to this surgery scared, not as scared as previously, but still scared. The surgery was quite a success, however! I woke up, and except for the nearly constant vomiting, I was intact! Only a few poke-holes. The doctor took out about 450 grams of tissue from the fibroids on my uterus. Nearly a pound of flesh! I instantly dropped a dress size (but not exactly the road I would have taken....)

We were in for another surprise, however. While my uterus was now "beautiful" (Doctor's words, not mine), the surgery revealed that I had many, many endometrial adhesions. The doctor removed the ones that he could, but I had some that were encasing my ovaries. Indeed, they had glued my ovaries to the back of my uterus. In addition, I had one falopian tube that was M.I.A. It just sort of trailed up into my intestinal area.... My other fallopian tube, on the other hand, was GREAT! Just not not anywhere near my misplaced ovaries. So we were told that we were going to have to move straight on to IVF.

That was a bigger blow to me than I would have expected.

I know IVF is one of the "last steps" in reproductive technology. I felt like I had suddenly been fast-forwarded past all the other options. Didn't I have a chance at dosing me with clomid? How 'bout an IUI? Really? Straight onto IVF?

I recuperated at home for about 4 days after the surgery. After that, I became too restless. I went into the lab, more for companionship, than to do any real work. I had just made it to the lab and was heartily greeted by a few members. It was nice to get my mind off of everything. I was probably there for 10 minutes before someone wanted to tell me the latest news: our coworker was pregnant!

I don't even know what my reaction was, at least what it looked like on the outside. I know I'm not the first infertile woman to experience the sadness, anger and loneliness of seeing/hearing about other people's pregnancies. I think I feigned happiness and went to look for someplace to sit down.

I stayed around for another half an hour or so. Left the lab and went home and sobbed. I was overcome with sadness.....devoid of hope......bereft.

I stayed that way for the next three months or so while I healed. For the first time I was scared, really scared that we wouldn't be able to have children. I couldn't look at pregnant women. I couldn't go to church, usually my place of solace, without dissolving into tears halfway through the service. My husband tried to help, tried to soothe me, but I was inconsolable. Even though I knew that IVF was still an option, an option that many, many infertile people would love to have, I was in mourning. No longer was I going to have my fantasy of calling up my husband at work and saying "Surprise! We're pregnant!" Or calling up my family and saying, "Well, we were just ready to start a family and then we found out I was pregnant!"

I felt like a part of my privacy had been taken away. What should have been discussed in the bedroom between my husband and I was now in the hands of doctors upon doctors. Our most personal decision was now shared with nurses in scrubs and embryologists.

To be continued...

Recent History--part one

2008-10-05T01:08:00.003-04:00

I had that surgery in 2002. My husband and I were living at his Mother's house while we were both in "back-to-school" mode. We knew we wanted kids, but with all the debt we had (not to mention the fact that we were living in his MOTHER'S house), it made trying for kids a no-go. At least then.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to finish graduate school. I found a post-doc position (sort of like an independent scientist-in-training), and we moved to our new city.

We spent the first 3 months trying to get to know the city better--it was larger than any city I had ever lived in before---trying to feel competent in my new position at work, formulating plans to pay down all of our school debt, and generally enjoying living on our own. Although we had been married for 7 years, 4 of them were spent at his Mother's house.

We started trying "seriously" to get pregnant in December of 2005. For pregnancy "protection" we had been practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP) since the surgery in 2002. We were not always as careful as we could have been, but I thought that we were doing a STUNNING job. I mean really: no pregnancies here!

Since I had been charting my cycles with NFP, I had a pretty good indication that I ovulated. My cycles were a little short, but other than that, pretty normal. So we took the charting from "no pregnancy mode" to "bring it on" mode. I wasn't really surprised the first few months that we didn't get pregnant. I had fibroids after all, and I had read that it is normal for it to take 6 month to a year to pregnant. Yet, I had a lingering suspicion, a familiar words kept bubbling up in my brain....fibroids.....endometriosis....

So, after 6 months of trying with no success, I asked my Gyn for a referral to a specialist. She had already had me get another ultrasound for my fibroids, and quickly wrote me a referral for a local fertility practice at a local hospital.

It didn't take as long as I would have thought to get an appointment. Then again, I said that I would just take the first doctor who had an opening. My husband and I went together. I was pretty shell-shocked after the meeting. It wasn't that my doctor wasn't nice, it was that I was just unprepared for the number of tests: clomid citrate challenge test (CCCT), hysterosalpinogram, hysteroscopy, sperm analysis, ultrasound. Once we had taken all of these tests--well, I guess I wasn't the one taking the sperm analysis test--we were to have another meeting with the doctor. I remember asking our assigned nurse at the practice to re-explain the importance of the CCCT. "It's a test to measure the quality of your eggs." and that we wanted a number below 10. "What happens if you get a number above 10?" I asked. "Well, then you have to use donor eggs if you want to become pregnant. But let's not worry about that now, you have a lot of tests that you need to take, and then the doctor and the two of you can decide how best to proceed."

I took all the tests except for the hysterosalpingogram. My husband took his. The doctor wanted to schedule a meeting, and the we didn't need to worry about that test yet.

Now, I'm not entirely foolish. I knew another surgery was coming. One does not walk around with fibroids larger than one's own uterus, have trouble getting pregnant and realize that somethings gotta give.

We met with the doctor. As we suspected, nothing further was going to be done until I had the fibroids out. There were too many, they were too big, and it was too risky. But there was also another thing to talk about. My CCCT results were "a little high." 18 to be exact. I remembered the number 10. 10 or you will be using donor eggs. 18 was not just a little off. It was not 11...13..nowhere close to 10. But the doctor was hopeful, "we've had a lot of luck with women with high numbers." Besides, I had a surgery to get ready for anyway.

To be continued...

In the beginning: part three

2008-09-25T23:45:00.001-04:00

I've always hated the expression "there's a party in my pants and you're all invited." Really. So gross.

However, in my case it seemed to be true. Well, only if you were endometrial cells and my pants was my abdomen.

It turns out I had a whole lot goin' on under the hood. I was told later that after they inserted the camera for the laparoscopy, this was going to have to be a bigger job. A six-inch incision kind of job.

Apparently, I had endometrial adhesions all. over. my. abdomen.

This was surprising as I never had any symptoms. However, this fact did not deter the doctors that checked in on me over the course of the FIVE DAYS I STAYED IN THE HOSPITAL (more on that in another post). Apparently it was inconceivable that I could have that severe of endometriosis (stage 4 of 5, I think) without having any symptoms.

I have to say, that I think after the fourth of fifth doctor that asked me the same set of questions about it, that I began to lose faith in the medical system as a whole.

No, I don't have any pain during my periods, or in between.

No, I don't have breakthrough bleeding.

Apparently, I was the only person in the world who had endometriosis and no outward symptoms. Except for the fact that I wasn't. In one study:

Nearly one-third of the women having endometriosis have no symptoms other than infertility.

So, I still had my uterus, but I had endometriosis. Right. No problem. They got rid of it. Just scraped it away. I was surely fine. No problems here......right??

I must admit, I was a little surprised when I went to a follow up visit and the doctor in charge asked me how soon my husband and I were going to try to have kids. Strange, I thought, because they got rid of the problem. Oh, except for the part that they left the THREE VERY LARGE FIBROIDS on my uterus. 'Cuz that might affect my fertility, you know, if they did anything with that.

Looking back on my medical records, the 3 fibroids totaled a mass greater than the total size of my uterus. But surely that wouldn't cause me problems, right?

To be continued....

In the beginning: part two

2008-09-25T23:17:00.000-04:00

I don't know what I expected when I woke up from surgery. Not that I would immediately be lucid, but, I don't know, maybe I would have a caring nurse or doctor at my side, taking my vitals, patting me on the head with a cold washrag, asking me what I would like for my first meal after surgery....

Maybe that did happen. If so, I don't remember it. The first thing I remember after surgery was being moved down THE BUMPIEST HALLWAY ON EARTH on a hospital bed with no shocks. I also remember a conversation, or snippets of one:

Do you think I ought to tell her?

Well, I think that it is always best to tell the truth.

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know how well she is going to take it though....

Two people were wheeling me down the hallway. And I knew, I was just SO sure they were talking about me. That was it. My confirmation. I had a hysterectomy. So, as calmly as I could, I decided to engage these individuals in a rational, emotionless discussion. "Pardon me health care professionals, but I would like to have an in-depth discussion about my surgery and how this may effect my reproductive capabilities." Which, came out as a slightly audible squeak "Do I still have my uterus?"

No answer.

So I asked again, tears streaming down my face, "Do I still have my uterus?"

I wish I could have seen the look on these two people's faces. I really do. Looking back on it now, it must have been a look of shock and horror. It's probably not that I couldn't have seen these people's faces if I wanted to, it's just that I hadn't opened my eyes. I guess in the post-surgery haze, eye opening was optional for conversation.

What I did hear was a lot of stammering and the movement of the bed to its new location sped up considerably.

The next thing I remember was one of the people saying "Oh, are you her husband? Great. She is asking if she still has a uterus. I-I-I don't really know what surgery she had. Great, you'll take care of it? Great."

I'm pretty sure I felt the rush of two people running from my room.

Then I felt my husband take my hand. I opened my eyes. "Yes, Brenda, yes you still have your uterus."

To be continued...

In the beginning

2008-09-21T02:43:00.001-04:00

I wish I was terribly clever. And funnier. Or maybe more creative.

I would like a way to lay out all of the infertility business in my life with such grace, humor and aplomb that you (and I) would be enraptured. However, the battery on my computer is going to die in a few minutes and I have not thought of anything terribly funny or clever, so I should just begin, eh?

I feel a bit like infertility snuck up on me, like a thief in the night. Not that I didn't know about infertility. I have two friends and a cousin-in-law who had been dealing with it in their lives. It's just that I figured that if I was infertile, I would only be a teensy bit infertile, you know? Just a little help, here and there. And then all would be right with the world.

Really, I didn't think that I had too much to worry about. I have always had regular periods. Really. You could set a calendar by me. Friends of mine who were having fertility issues always had issues with their periods, missed ones, ones happening too close together. Not me...24-26 days, rain or shine. The first incling that something was wrong was in 2002. I had gone in for a routine physical and the Dr. noticed that my abdomen was hard. She suspected uterine fibroids. I had never heard of such things, but working in the cancer field, I was a little disressed to realize that they were outgrowths of the uterus. I am really wary of things growing in one's body inappropriately. Assured that they were not cancerous, I was sent to have an internal ultrasound to verify the diagnosis. The ultrasound tech took a lot of images, pointed out some of the fibroids and I was on my way. I got a call a few days later that they had found a mass near one of my ovaries and wanted to perform an MRI to check it out. I met with some specialists (described as "excellent doctors, but not very friendly"-an apt description). I was sure that the MRI would show something rather innocuous and I would be on my way. Alas, it turned out that I had a endometrioma on my left ovary and it needed to be removed, lest it burst and cause me great pain. Well, not what I had hoped for, but it was fixable.

It was also my first major surgery, so I was more than a little scared.

I met with the Doctors that were going to perform the surgery. They asked if I just wanted a laparoscopy (just the poke holes with the camera--less invasive) or, if they saw anything more in there if they should proceed with a laparotomy. I had made my mind up after staying up all night with the after effects of the "bowel prep." "Do what you have to do. I don't want to come in for another surgery."

So they wheeled me into the OR with a wristband that said: possible cystectomy, ooectomy, hysterectomy.

They helped me move from the gurney to the OR table. I remember looking up at the big overhead light with the doctors and nurses in their scrubs and caps looking down on me. A doctor said, " We're giving you a sedative. You will feel like you just had a cocktail."

Yeah. Right.

What I felt like was that someone took my head and started spinning it around. After that, I don't remember anything.

To be continued....

Inauguration and explaination

2008-09-15T22:29:00.000-04:00

So. Here it is. My first official blog post. While I know that I am going to be the only one reading this for now, I hope to actually understand how to use this thing, so that I can make it look all nice and purty-like in case anyone stops by.

As an introduction, I am 30-something and have been married for 10 years to my best friend. I have a (slightly) disturbing number of small animals [one cat, two guinea pigs, and 4 hamsters]. I was in school for a LONG time, ending up with a PhD, and am now working in the northeast. Oh yes, and am infertile. Very, very infertile. I didn't, however, find this out until a few years ago.

But, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

I feel compelled to give some explaination as to why I'm writing this down publicly, instead of just keeping a journal. To be honest, I am not really sure why myself. I think that it is in part, perhaps in large part, because I have gotten so much out of reading other people's blogs who are going through the same ordeal. Although they probably don't know it, they have been a lifeline. A lifeline that I would have been lost without. I hope that I can do that for someone else. But I cannot deny that the second reason that I want to blog about my infertility is for me to reach out, to feel connected with others who share my same struggles in a way that commenting on other people's blogs just can't substitute.

This inaugural post is the first in what I hope to be a journey of my life. With all its ups and downs. And hopefully, will be EXCEEDINGLY less somber than this first post. Geesh. You would think that I was writing a eulogy.

I hope to lay out my 'story' in coherent chunks over the next few posts.

Test-this is only a test-

2008-09-07T20:29:00.001-04:00

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