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Sunday, October 19, 2008

The maiden and her lupron

Gentle reader, let me tell you a story. A story that begins with a woman and her lupron. A woman and her missing lupron, and the hilarity that ensued....

This story starts out just like it has for the past 6 days, with the sound of an alarm clock going off a the ungodly hour of 6:45 a.m. Not trying to wake her fair prince, the maiden lumbers out of bed, cursing the alarm clock, as she is NOT a morning maiden.

The fair maiden stumbles out to the castle living room, turns on the torchlight, and ignoring the pleading and whining from the royal pets about the snack that they would like to have, proceeds to locate her needles and lupron, neatly placed in their box in the royal cabinet. Through blurry eyes, she notices that she has her needle in hand, but cannot find the lupron. "What?" she declares sweetly and princess-like. "However did I misplace my lupron? Well, it cannot have gotten far, for surely I have placed it in the cabinet were the rest of the royal baby-making supplies are."

But lo, the maiden looks high and low, low and high. She takes everything out of the lupron box. She takes everything out of the royal cabinet. She searches by her disposed needle box, by the royal pet boxes, in the refrigerator, in the bathroom and in between the couch cushions.

"Oh dear. Oh dear." she cries, without ever letting a swearword or five hundred pass from her lips. And then she wonders, "did I happen to throw the lupron in the trash yesterday morning when I threw out my royal needle cover and royal isopropanol wipe? Surely, no!"

But alas, it appears that after all this searching, this is the only place left it could be. So at 7:15 a.m. the now grumpy maiden proceeds to get a new trashbag out and place the pieces of trash from the old bag into the new piece by piece. She notices a timeline for the layers of trash, a strata if you will, with tacos for dinner at night covering the needle package and isopropanol wipe from the night before. No lupron yet, but the maiden keeps digging. Ah yes, dirty napkins, scrapings from dinner two days before. Still no lupron. But, it is small, and perhaps it has worked its way to the bottom of the bag. Un-merrily, the maiden digs on until she reaches the coffee grounds at the bottom of the trash bag. No royal lupron. "Shitsy. Oh, I mean deary me! Whatever will I do. I don't want to ring the physician-on-call at the royal fertility clinic. Perhaps I can solve this problem on my own."

So the now less than fair, slightly panicy maiden thinks really, really hard, using the few brain cells that work at what is now 7:30 a.m.

"Aha!" she cries. I have a royal bag of unused medicine in my royal closet. I remember that I had some lupron in there!" So digging into that bag she goes, trying not to think about the amount of royal money that was spent on the usused medications or the failed cycles that they represent.

"Lupron--yes, lupron, there you are, just in the bottom of the bag where I placed you. I shall call the happy little bluebirds to bring me my needle. I shall inject myself with you and then lay myself to slumber.......Oh, sonofabitch the lupron expired in April."

By now the fair maiden was too weary and too irritated to care. She grabbed the expired bottle of lupron, plopped herself down in her loyal chair and injected herself with the expired lupron, figuring that it still had some potency left. Drug companies usually hedge their bets on when their drugs expire. So inject herself she does.

After taking her royal needle and depositing it in the royal needle disposal box and throwing the isopropanol wipe in the *new* garbage bag, she feels a pull. A pull to the royal baby-making medicine cabinet, the one she systematically took apart piece by piece, the one which housed her box with needles and lupron which she searched 5 (yes, five) times. For some reason she opens the box again. Instead of grabbing all the needles in one hand while searching the box, she mearly peers into the box.

And there, nestled in amongst the needles, is HER MISSING BOTTLE OF LUPRON.

"Oh motherf*cking holy hell." Ahem, I mean "Oh fiddlesticks!"

37 comments:

Lori said...

Thou must get ahold of thy tongue.

Mine tongue hath been known to forswear as well, so I judge you not.

Great story!

In Due Time said...

Don't you hate that? Glad you found it!



ICLW

Kami said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog and good luck with this cycle. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions about meeting your egg donor, although I think it is likely different for everyone. I hope it goes well.

Kristine said...

LOL That was too funny! And so something I would do myself.

So glad you found it!

Dora said...

OMG! Hilarious! I can only imagine the anxiety!

ICLW :-)

tripmom827 said...

Clearly some fairy broke in to play head games with the fair maiden...no?

ICLW

Kymberli said...

"shisty"? I am soooo gonna use that on my blog.

Once, I lost a whole syringe of PIO. I searched high and low (whilst cursing not-so-silently under my breath) for an hour and couldn't find it. Finally I retraced my steps, and that's when it occurred to me that I had placed it under my boob to warm up. I em stoopeed.

kirke said...

Love the name of your blog and your story.

That stinks about the Lupron, but so glad you found it.

ICLW

Michelle said...

That is so funny. That sounds like me.

Echloe said...

Hilarity. That is too much.

ICLW.

April said...

This brought a laugh to my otherwise foul day :)

thx!!

Photogrl said...

I can only imagine the frustration that you felt that early in the morning! Good luck.

Stopping by from ICLW...

Dawn's Recipes / The Baby Blog said...

Wow, what a lovely tale! Hehe! I'm glad the Lupron showed up...eventually!

musicmakermomma said...

OMG - this is so funny! I am not a morning person either, but I BEGGED my RE to let me take lupron in the am and they said NO WAY. Stupid stupid - since I am a professional musician 7pm is a horrible time for me to take shots- I think I have done it at home exactly 2ce (out of almost 5 weeks)- mostly I have my little cold bag (they said I have to keep it refrigerated?) and I "shoot up" in a bathroom stall or empty dressing room - sometimes it is really a problem to find a place (I can just imagine your Lady Lupron searching the opera house for a place to get her fix!) Last night I played for a HS choir concert and EVERYPLACE was filled with giggling girls; I had to run out to my car during a song I didn't play and shoot up in my car. Hahaha - I was watching the policeman cruising the parking lot thinking - HOW will I explain this? The things we will do to reproduce!

Amber said...

Great post!

I came here after seeing your comment on Kymberli's blog. When you said something about "losing PIO under your boob" I just had to see what started that comment. Glad I did!

RMCarter said...

This was too good! What a creative way to talk about a frustrating situation! I am glad you found it safe and sound. I wish it had happened before you took the expired dose. :( But you're right; the older one was probably still good.

I'm glad I found your blog! :)

Michelle
ICLW

KandiB said...

I've lost my PIO under my armpit a few times myself. But, I think more than "fiddlesticks" came out of my mouth. Or how 'bout the time when the clinic short changed me on my Follistim and I had to inject myself a kajillion times to get the right dose, extracting the tiny extra bit at the bottom of each of several "used" vials. Ahhhh. Good stuff. ICLW or bust.

Ginny said...

Oh my, totally sounds like something I'd do!!! I'm so glad you found it though.

ICLW

Peachy said...

You are hysterical!

I am so glad you found it.

nh said...

That made me laugh, because I'd do the same - and I'm glad you found the missing Lupron in teh end!

(ICLW)

Seriously? - Erin said...

Here from ICLW! That is a pain in the ass but you made a cute story out of it!

I know it is totally not the same but my doctor once told me that an expired inhailer is better than no inhailer. Hopefully its the same with Lupron.

Best of luck!

~Jess said...

I'm stilling laughing at your narrative. I'm glad you found your lupron though.

ICLW

bendingbackwards said...

Glad you found it.

ICLW

CTagsGirl said...

I’m laughing so hard over here I think I may have peed myself just a little. What a magical(relatable) tale! I’m so glad it had a happy ending.

ICLW

Andrea said...

You are so funny! So sorry about your less-than-fair morning!

ICLW.

Trish said...

A witty tale albeit - very frustrating - I did this with Synarel.Glad you found it and kept your sense of humour in the royal cabinet too.

Here from IComLeavWe...
My Little Drummer Boys

eggorchicken said...

Oh lol,how the heck does that always happen!?
Sorry about your crappy morning, and so glad you found your Lupron in the end! I wouldn't worry too much about the expiration date of the one you used, I believe the norm is that one can still use meds for up to 5 YEARS after they've expired!

I wouldn't generally 'test' that theory but I'm sure this once will be just fine ;)

Love the way you write!

x
Yvonne
ICLW

Jenn said...

Hahaha. Sorry to laugh, but it was funny. (ICLW)

Portraits In Sepia said...

"Royal Baby-making medicine cabinet" Love it! That had me laughing!
Here for ICLW

zandor said...

That was a great story. Good luck with everything. I found your blog from iclw.

Sassy said...

Hilarious post. So glad you found it. :)

Kristin said...

Bwahahahahaha...you tell that story so well! Glad you found the missing Lupron.

ICLW

Mary said...

LOL!!!! That was hilarious!

(ICLW)

The Steadfast Warrior said...

OMG! Too funny and probably all too common a scenario. Thanks for sharing a lighter post on Creme. Sometimes we just need to laugh at all things aburd. :)

Patricia said...

Via la Creme...

Fantastic post! I could see it all. Why is it we look in the same place 5 times and never see what's there? Hmmm... there's probably something deep to be pondered there, but I'm going to stay in the hilarity of your post. Thanks for sharing it with the Creme.

battynurse said...

Trying to chuckle quietly since all is quiet at work tonight. I did that a couple weeks ago with my keys and spent 2 days looking for the damn things. Glad you eventually found the Lupron.

Billy said...

Love your sense of humor!