The difficulty of posting

I know I haven't been around much. It's not that I haven't been thinking of you or checking your blogs.

It's more that I feel guilty posting. Guilty because now I am pregnant, and I see some of my best internet friends continuing to struggle.

And I remember: I remember what it was like to feel so happy that someone else was pregnant, but feeling that aching hole of sadness inside of me. Wondering if I would ever get my "turn." Or, would I be forced to watch others go down the path that I so desperately wanted to go down myself.

I know some of you might say, "this is your blog, you can post whatever you like." And while true, what I am facing in my own life is this barrage of uncertainty. Thinking that we are so close to being parents, and yet still so far.

I count my blessings every night, but I still hold back a small piece of myself in reserve wondering if we are going to lose these babies. I feel a little better now that we have reached the point of "viability"--24 weeks. But I know that 24 weeks means only that there is a chance that they will survive. A chance, but not much more than that.

And there is no guarantee that things will proceed smoothly. Reading Mermaid's posts reminds me daily that a seemingly uneventful pregnancy can take a scary turn.

We've taken a big leap of faith recently. We are going down to Florida next week to visit both sides of our family, and they want to throw us a baby shower. [I should comment on the irony of WHO is throwing me a baby shower in another post.] So, this weekend we registered. For baby things. And I'll be honest. I was uncomfortable the whole time. Not just because I can no longer see my feet when I walk, but because I worry that I will have a room full of baby things...and no babies.

People ask me: what is the theme of your babies' room?

And I think, "I don't care as long as they come home safe."

What type of bottles do you want? I have no idea. I don't even want to research that.

The list goes on and on.

Sorry for the self-pitying rant. Hopefully, I'll get into the swing of things soon.

Long time no hear...

Wow, I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted. 

I wish I had some profound reason for my absence, but, alas, no.  Mostly I've just been tired and sick.  It seems that the only position I can be in for any length of time without me becoming lightheaded is horizontal. 

I have still been trying to go to work, but I think I spend as much time with my head down on my desk or laying down on the couch in one of the conference rooms as I do working.

Although I do have a "fun" trip to tell you about.  Last week I was feeling so, so poorly and was having what felt like menstrual cramps.  Plus, I had been charting my weight and had noticed that I have not gained any weight for 4 weeks now.  I placed call to the OB's office and they said that things were probably OK.  I was worried that I was having preterm labor contractions, given that some of the doctors that provided my earlier care were concerned that I would have problems with this.  

A friend suggested that I may have a bladder infection.  My bladder infections, as a rule, do not have the horrible burning sensation that I have heard from other women.  Instead, I feel completely run down and have a lot of bladder spasms....that can feel like menstrual cramps. Aha!  

So, that night I head down to the urgent care center near me.  Sure enough, diagnosis: bladder infection.  I'm given antibiotics and go home.  

A few days after finishing the antibiotics I notice that my symptoms are returning...along with more nausea and dizziness.  Great. 

I head back to urgent care (it's a Sunday).  I tell my husband to stay home, b/c I'm just going to get another prescription for antibiotics.  

But no, that would be too simple.  Instead, in the waiting room I start having one of my dizzy/nausea spells.  I ask someone if there is someplace I could lie down.  She says she will try to find something...then I take off like a bat on fire to find the bathroom and relieve myself of my Sunday breakfast.  Well, it seems that you get placed at the front of the line with that kind of behavior.  

I was placed in a wheelchair and taken back to a room immediately where the nurse says she is worried that my bladder infection may have spread to my kidneys.  I should go to the hospital.  

OK.  But she won't let me drive.  Instead, some strapping young EMTs load me into an ambulance and drive me to the hospital.  At least they didn't have the lights on :)  

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get a hold of my husband to tell him that I'm going to the hospital.  Oh, and the car is still parked at urgent care.  Only I cannot get a hold of him.  Great.  

So..I call a neighbor to run down to the apartment and tell him to call me.  Luckily, since I told my friend that I was OK, just to have him call, he wasn't freaked out.  He was more interested in whether they were using the sirens in the ambulance!  :)

Poor hubby had to take the subway, find the car and then drive to the hospital where I was now in the labor and delivery triage unit.  Still having horrible dizzy spells and with ORANGE urine.  Really, I have never seen urine that color before.  The babies seem to be fine, however, so I'm relieved.

Long story short: hubby finds me.  Brings me snacks (he's so sweet).  We await the test results of urinalysis and blood work.  Still having dizzy spells.  While we are waiting they send me down for an ultrasound of my legs to determine if I have any blood clots which could be contributing to my dizziness, nausea and shortness of breath.  

6.5 hours I'm discharged with the diagnosis of a "raging" bladder infection and no apparent reason for the dizziness and nausea.  Perhaps the bladder infection.

A few days later (yesterday) I have my scheduled appt with my OB.  I bring up the nausea and dizziness.  The culprit he says: low blood pressure.  What?  

I have always had blood pressure just slightly lower than the norm.  Usually 115/70.  Nothing to worry about.  Interestingly, a woman's blood pressure drops during the first half of pregnancy and then by about 24 weeks starts to pick back up again.  My blood pressure at the time of my OB appt: 108/60.  So all the dizzy spells: lack of blood to the brain.  No blood to the brain brings on nausea.  Oh.  

The solution.  Drink lots more water.  This I had been trying to do.  However, I was doing it wrong, if you can believe that.  Since I work in a lab, I cannot bring food or drinks inside.  So every few hours, I go to another room and chug a glass of water.....which makes my stomach expand to fast....which makes me nauseous.....which makes me throw up.  I am now mandated to sip water continuously.  Hard to do, but it does seem to help.  I just have to take a lot more breaks from work.

Luckily, the doctor says that my blood pressure should start to increase soon and I won't be having so many dizzy spells.  

The lack of weight gain does not concern him at all.  He even told me that all the advice in the baby books about gaining weight is a leftover from before they had such good ultrasounds and could estimate the babies weights.  As long as the babies are growing OK, very slow weight gain for the Mom seems to be OK, at least in his eyes.  I swear, you ask a hundred people and you will get a hundred answers.  Barbara Luke, who has written a book about having multiples (and was involved in running a multiples clinic), swears up, down, left, right and center that packing on the pounds is the key to having healthy multiples.  Oh well, since she is not my doctor, I guess I go with his advice.  

Sorry for the long post, I'll try to keep posting more often.  Probably whilst sipping my water :)