I know I haven't been around much. It's not that I haven't been thinking of you or checking your blogs.
It's more that I feel guilty posting. Guilty because now I am pregnant, and I see some of my best internet friends continuing to struggle.
And I remember: I remember what it was like to feel so happy that someone else was pregnant, but feeling that aching hole of sadness inside of me. Wondering if I would ever get my "turn." Or, would I be forced to watch others go down the path that I so desperately wanted to go down myself.
I know some of you might say, "this is your blog, you can post whatever you like." And while true, what I am facing in my own life is this barrage of uncertainty. Thinking that we are so close to being parents, and yet still so far.
I count my blessings every night, but I still hold back a small piece of myself in reserve wondering if we are going to lose these babies. I feel a little better now that we have reached the point of "viability"--24 weeks. But I know that 24 weeks means only that there is a chance that they will survive. A chance, but not much more than that.
And there is no guarantee that things will proceed smoothly. Reading Mermaid's posts reminds me daily that a seemingly uneventful pregnancy can take a scary turn.
We've taken a big leap of faith recently. We are going down to Florida next week to visit both sides of our family, and they want to throw us a baby shower. [I should comment on the irony of WHO is throwing me a baby shower in another post.] So, this weekend we registered. For baby things. And I'll be honest. I was uncomfortable the whole time. Not just because I can no longer see my feet when I walk, but because I worry that I will have a room full of baby things...and no babies.
People ask me: what is the theme of your babies' room?
And I think, "I don't care as long as they come home safe."
What type of bottles do you want? I have no idea. I don't even want to research that.
The list goes on and on.
Sorry for the self-pitying rant. Hopefully, I'll get into the swing of things soon.