Putting the IF in life...

So the expected date that our donor goes in for her baseline is November 2nd. I've known that date for a while now, but I just realized that it is this SUNDAY. Could all of this be really happening? I keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop," waiting for something horrible to go wrong. Steeling myself for the worst.

I have this inability to go beyond the moment. I can't think too far in the future. I won't calculate what my due date will be if I get pregnant in November. I won't think of baby names. I won't think about how the place that we rent is probably riddled with lead paint. And I WON'T talk about our children as if they are a forgone certainty.

Infertility has caused me to put so many qualifiers on my phrases: "IF I am fortunate enough to get pregnant. IF we are lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy. IF we are blessed with more than one child." If, if, if, if. I realize that it is probably not a coincidence that the initials for infertility is IF.

I wish that this part of my life was not a big "what IF." Even though I know it is not a possibility, I wish that having children was something I COULD take for granted. Say, perhaps, like some friends of ours who did not want to have kids. They were on birth control and just found out that SHE IS 13 WEEKS PREGNANT. Really, now. I think I may have to call shenanigans on that one. How does someone not realize they are pregnant until 13 weeks into their pregnancy when they are on the pill? Wouldn't you notice the LACK PERIOD FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS??? I know that there are always exceptions to the rule, but really? Three months into it? Not much of a clue?

They are the second couple in the last year that I have known to get pregnant on the pill. Being a scientist, I have conducted a research study on this phenomenon and have decided that I am like a black hole of infertility, you only have to know me, be in my vicinity in the past year and my infertility will act as a gigantic force of nature, using all of its mass to pull out any shred of infertility in others, either induced or uninduced. Not that I'm bitter. Not that I am trying to make this about me......right?? um, yeah.