I know I haven't been around much. It's not that I haven't been thinking of you or checking your blogs.
It's more that I feel guilty posting. Guilty because now I am pregnant, and I see some of my best internet friends continuing to struggle.
And I remember: I remember what it was like to feel so happy that someone else was pregnant, but feeling that aching hole of sadness inside of me. Wondering if I would ever get my "turn." Or, would I be forced to watch others go down the path that I so desperately wanted to go down myself.
I know some of you might say, "this is your blog, you can post whatever you like." And while true, what I am facing in my own life is this barrage of uncertainty. Thinking that we are so close to being parents, and yet still so far.
I count my blessings every night, but I still hold back a small piece of myself in reserve wondering if we are going to lose these babies. I feel a little better now that we have reached the point of "viability"--24 weeks. But I know that 24 weeks means only that there is a chance that they will survive. A chance, but not much more than that.
And there is no guarantee that things will proceed smoothly. Reading Mermaid's posts reminds me daily that a seemingly uneventful pregnancy can take a scary turn.
We've taken a big leap of faith recently. We are going down to Florida next week to visit both sides of our family, and they want to throw us a baby shower. [I should comment on the irony of WHO is throwing me a baby shower in another post.] So, this weekend we registered. For baby things. And I'll be honest. I was uncomfortable the whole time. Not just because I can no longer see my feet when I walk, but because I worry that I will have a room full of baby things...and no babies.
People ask me: what is the theme of your babies' room?
And I think, "I don't care as long as they come home safe."
What type of bottles do you want? I have no idea. I don't even want to research that.
The list goes on and on.
Sorry for the self-pitying rant. Hopefully, I'll get into the swing of things soon.
7 comments:
Oh Brenda....thanks for being so thoughtful.
And I hope and pray that everything works out so well for you.
Have fun with your family! Take Care!
B - I love when you post; miss you when you're "gone". If I'm feeling fragile about pg people I can put off reading my pg friend's blogs for a few days; but mostly I like keeping up with what's going on.
Also, none of us IFers can take a pregnancy for granted; stuff can go wrong, stuff can go great, and you should have support while you're worrying and obsessing over whatever.
Having said that - OMG 24 weeks!!! That is so great, and I'm so excited for you. Sorry the registering is not just unfiltered joy; I know it is really hard to believe it will all happen. But it will, you will be great and the babies will be great - your doctors will know what to do when the time comes and you must trust a little bit. Now is your time for joy, scary though it is to let go because of all the scary things that MIGHT happen. But how sad to not experience the happiness of your shower and this pregnancy. Good luck, I know you'll do great!
It seems we are all in this mode at the moment - pregnant, not pregnant, knowing, waiting and the unlucky ones. We are all full of uncertainty and fear.
There must be something in the air. We are all planning ahead, thinking ahead, trying to look around corners for things that can go wrong.
Don't apologize for feeling how you feel. I love your honesty and insight. May you find a little peace and perhaps even some joy in the everyday moments of your pregnancy.
I think it's perfectly normal to be leery of celebrating too much. But at the same time, I sincerely hope you can let yourself enjoy this experience.
And, yes, you are allowed to - and encouraged to -post whatever you want without guilt. As another poster said, the glorious thing about blogs, is that no one has to read them who doesn't want to. If I'm feeling like I need a break from pregnant infertile friends, well, then, I simply don't read their blogs for a few days and then catch up when I'm feeling a bit sturdier.
I'm wishing you lots of joy and contentment and ease as you move into your 3rd trimester. May it be completely uneventful!
I totally have that too. The worry and the not wanting to prepare. It was a big step for us to get a crib (well, really my MIL bought it), but I haven't been able to think about ANYTHING else until I hit viability. Once I'm there, maybe I can start thinking about it?
Hope the trip to FL is a lot of FUN and get a lot of stuff...
~~HUGS~~
It seems to be a common identity issue amongst us infertiles. I love to hear about pregnancies, and for those who don't there are myriad bloggers who are reflecting that persons moment to moment experince so that they don't feel so alone. If they are masochistic enough to keep coming and reading about your pregnancy, and resenting you for it, what can you do?
Brenda
This doesn't sound self-pitying at all. It sounds real. How could you feel otherwise? It's another reason why even when you're pregnant, the saga of all you've been through to get here continues to haunt. I'm glad to see you post. Trust those of us who are still struggling to take care of ourselves. I for one, am as happy as can be for you. And I hope one day to join you : )
Mo
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