Don't ask me to place your bets in Vegas

So, I was just SURE I was only carrying one now. Really, really sure.

Well, just butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Two tiny babies with "perfect" heartbeats: 160bpm. Each are about 1.5 cm long.

Hubby is over the moon. He keeps looking at me and saying "two, two, one for me and one for you!" I'm still pretty nervous. Actually, I'm downright panicky. I want to chalk it up to the hormones. I go from nauseous, to tired, to hungry, to panicky, to all four in the space of a few minutes.

Today was graduation day from the RE. I'm so out of it, I didn't even know :) I thought we we were going to have another meeting. I'm not sure exactly what for......

So now the search is on for an OB!

had to share

So I am feeling better, relatively. I still get very nauseated, but I haven't thrown up since last Wednesday, so I am thankful for that.

I have an U/S appt this afternoon, which makes me quite nervous for many reasons. First, hubby and I get to see if we are still having twins. (I mentioned before that the radiologist was unimpressed with the second twin.) Then we meet with our RE.

I am feeling a heated discussion between hubby and the RE if I'm eating for three. Not that it is her fault, but hubby is still really annoyed that the surgeon of the practice told him that I shouldn't carry twins, but we were given the option to transfer two anyway. (And I decided to take the risk.) This is despite the fact that my hubby spoke to our nurse 3 days before the transfer about whether a concern about carrying twins was written down in the medical file, and she said "not to worry, all would be handled on the day of transfer." She basically blew him off.

This is all very sticky, as the surgeon mentioned this to hubby, but not to me (or if he did, I was so out of it, I don't remember). AND the surgeon never put it in our medical records, thus why we were given the option of transferring two. The only note in my file is that I should deliver by 36 weeks. This I do remember him telling me--easier to do as it was 3 weeks after the surgery and I was no longer taking pain killers.

Hubby's main concern is that my uterus is not going to be able to handle the strain of two babies and that a tragedy will occur.

You may wonder how I feel. Well, I don't really know how I feel. If I have been given the gift of two babies at once, then I want to embrace that. However, I am scared. Yep, I will finally admit that. EVEN THOUGH it was at my insistence that Hubby agreed to transfer two, I am scared that my uterus will rupture leaving us with no babies and likely no uterus. Of course, every night I'm also worried that I am no longer pregnant. Or I worry about how we're going to be as parents. Or how much lead is in our apartment...Or.....

So we shall look ahead to 1:30 when I will be having a lovely encounter with an ultrasound machine to see what we have before us.

Strangely, I feel like I am only carrying one and this will be a moot point that I will fuss over at a later time.

What a terribly rambling post. Sorry for that. I'm feeling a little jumbled right now.

If you have made it all the way to the end here, then I feel that I should leave you with a phase that someone Go.ogled and found my blog with: "is it possible to steal a woman's egg during an gyn exam."

I am going to laugh about that all day! Ah, if it were only that easy to get donor eggs.... :)

Barfy McBarferson

So throwing up at home is not too much fun either.

I KNEW that if I actually got pregnant I would be sick. I get nauseous easily: car rides, boat rides, roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, etc.

People at work are starting to ask questions. Questions like: why is Brenda about 2 shades fairer than she normally is. Thus making me almost transparent.

However, before you may/may not become envious about the so-called Morning Sickness. Let me relate a story to you.

This morning, I was staying at home for a while whilst I tried to let my stomach settle. I had already eaten a granola bar, had some crackers, a glass of milk and a glass of juice. I tried to get ready for work, but I just kept feeling sicker and sicker. At one point, I moved to the restroom to see if that was my problem.

Nope, just a little gassy.



BUT THEN....


I was immediately overwhelmed with the need to release my breakfast, that I had no time to pull up my pants. I just flipped around and stuck my head in the toilet.

I took a deep breath....and realized that I had, in every sense of the word, farted. in. my. own. face.

Then I puked my guts out, because every time I took a breath, I inhaled more fart.

Goooood Times.

Throwing up at work is less fun than anticipated

I had been threatening to do this for the past three days, but on Friday I finally did the deed. Luckily there was no one in the bathroom with me. I don't really feel like trying to make an excuse for that one.

I also want to update the u/s results :)

Here it is w/ comments:

STATUS: Alive (me? or what they are looking at???)
NUMBER: Twin (I hate to quibble, but "twin" isn't a number....)
UTERUS: Fibroid (should read fibroids--I have a couple of them near my cervix)
OVARIES: Right normal, Left not seen ("normal" hahahahhahahahhahaaaa!)
INDICATIONS: Infertility, now pregnant; Advanced maternal age (gee, thanks for slapping that on there.....)

COMMENTS/SUMMARY: Two intrauterine gestational sacs with yolk sacs and embryonic heartbeats seen. 1/2 maternal right. 2/2 maternal left. The second sac is smaller with cloudy amniotic fluid, which is a negative prognosis.

FETAL HEART RATE (#1): 107 beats per minute
FETAL HEART RATE (#2): 105 beats per minute

The radiologist seemed to want to give her condolences about the second embryo. She kept saying that this didn't looked good, but "you never know."

The nurse upstairs was aghast that the radiologist would even put "negative prognosis." " What does she know? She cannot tell the future!" And then she went on to talk about how some Dr. at another clinic told her friend that her embryos for transfer looked ugly and that now she has two beautiful daughters. I wanted to say something about how the beauty of 8 cells does not reflect very much on the beauty of millions and millions of cells, but I refrained.

Hubby and I are very happy and are not worried about the second little one. We have worries about carrying twins. Whatever happens, we will work with it. All we want are healthy baby/ies.

The next u/s is on 8/23. The nurse said that they normally wait two full weeks, but since that will be the day after Christmas, she thought that it would be nice to know something before then. That was very kind of her. I think that she was trying to give us quicker info on the fate of the second little one. We also meet with the RE after the ultrasound. The nurse already talked to us about finding an OB.

Dang! This is the fastest/slowest/strangest rollercoaster ride I have ever been on.

U/S update

Just a quick note since I am at work. We had the 6 week ultrasound today. The results: 2 little embryos with heartbeats! One looks better than the other, which is smaller and the amniotic fluid seems "cloudy" to the radiologist. The prognosis for the smaller one is not optimal. Actually the wording on the sheet sounds considerably less optimistic for the smaller one. I'll post more about the results when I have the paperwork in front of me at home.

I am so, so relieved. And it was wonderful having my husband there with me as we strained to make out the little heartbeats. And we had a wonderful ultrasound tech to explained everything to us as we went along.

Thanks so much to everyone for leaving comments on the last post; it's so nice to have a place to vent.

I'll update later tonight with more details :)

the wretched side of life--my demons: exposed

~~~Warning.....I am whiny and expose some pretty raw feelings here, so if you want to jump off this train now, I suggest you do so~~~

So tomorrow at 8 am we have the ultrasound. And I am scared. to. death. Up to this point, I have somewhat successfully "tricked" myself into believing I was only kinda pregnant. I'm not even really sure what that means. Probably my best definition is that something was at one point developing inside of me, as evident by the increasing HCG levels, but is probably gone now.

I feel like I need to tell everyone that I am not generally a pessimist. Really, I'm not. In fact, for all of you that have gotten positive pregnancy tests, I fully BELIEVE that things will work out well for you. But not for me. Not with this. Not when every gyn exam I have had since grad school and every subsequent surgery thereafter has given me bad news. Not when I keep spotting. Not when I read that it is common (up to 1 in 4) for pregnant women to spot lightly during the 1st trimester, but then ONE HALF of these women have a miscarriage. To show you how "glass half empty" I am right now, the sentence actually reads "Approximately half of pregnant women who bleed do not have miscarriages" [Emphasis added].

I am such a bundle of nerves right now. Why, oh why, can I not just roll with the tide? I know I don't have any control over this.....but boy, do I want to. <---Ugh, I hate it when I end sentences this way.

To continue with my whining, I am utterly exhausted every day, cannot focus on a single thing at work (they could all be speaking in a foreign language for all I know--and I fell asleep during two meetings), I feel like someone replaced my somewhat functioning brain with one of those fuzzy filters on the Clari.ton commercials, and I have increasing urgency to barf when I smell food that I normally love, like spaghetti sauce. Sound like normal pregnancy symptoms? Yes. But I have cleverly convinced myself that it is all psychosomatic. [Even though I did not know that feeling utterly fatigued is a sign of early pregnancy....I thought that came later.] No, no. What I am feeling is going to turn out to be a big hoax and my inability to be productive at work is a sign that I am undisciplined and weak. And probably pathetic.

My goodness, I sound so wretched, don't I? In a slightly disturbing way, it feels good just to lay all of this out here. To expose my demons and look at them. They're not pretty, to be sure, but I find that they are not quite as scary "out there," when I can look at them in the light of day and see them for what they are: my horror fantasies.


Well, I may have may you feel slightly ill, but I do actually feel better. Again, looking your demons in the eye, makes them seem somewhat ridiculous. For example: I may be having pregnancy symptoms and no viable pregnancy, but I certainly wouldn't do this to myself on purpose. I also may not be functioning well at work, but I have been there for 3 years and they haven't kicked me out yet, so I cannot suck that badly. Also, I do have flashes of brilliance, or at least competence, at work. There. Demons getting smaller.

Tomorrow is a big hurtle for me: an ultrasound that doesn't involve looking for uterine lining or follicle development. The first ultrasound of that kind for me ever. I am walking down a scary and unfamiliar road. For those of you who have been sticking it out with me, you have my sincere gratitude. Friends that can look at the darker side of you and not scurry away are friends indeed [even if they are only internet friends :) ]

Thank you for letting me share. My burdens seem lighter now. Just a little more manageable.

Until tomorrow........

Just keeping things interesting...

Well, we left the Big Apple today (and Miracles, we drove--hubby cannot fathom the thought of a train or a bus!). Dora, I don't know how you do it! There are SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE IN NYC! Ugh, I guess REAL New Yorkers aren't going to all the tourist locations, but dang! At one point hubby and I we afloat in a sea of people with very little control over where we were headed :) We eventually got back to each other!

So, in other news, I'm still spotting. Yes, just keeping it interesting. I would hate to have something normal happen. That would be too easy. It's not heavy spotting. I only had that in the beginning. Just light spotting, but every day.

The u/s is Friday. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to get too attached. Sigh. Something about this process sucks the hope out of you just as fast as it gives it to you.

Well, enough self pity for me. I'm off to shower and bed; it's back to the real world tomorrow!

Quickie

Just a quick post:

Hubby and I went to NY this weekend. Just a quick trip. We've been living just outside of Boston for the past 3 years or so, and we have never made the trip. Since we are not going to visit the relatives in FL this Christmas, we decided to take a real--albeit short-vacation.

First, I want to say, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who has left such nice comments. I still don't really believe that I am pregnant, despite what the blood tests say, but you all are keeping me sane through it all.

Second, many of you have been asking about the U/S date. It has been scheduled for next Friday, the 12th.

Now, I'm going to soak my feet, because D@MN, Manhattan is a lot bigger than I thought it was!!

beta part deux

My goodness, things have been crazy at work for me this week. I almost don't have time to revel in the amazing news that I got a positive beta and that it is increasing! My beta today (17dp3dt or 20dpo): 2994!

Thus, I present to you, like Peeveme, of a chart of my hCG vaues versus average hCG values over time. I thought that my first value was so very, very high, but on this scale it doesn't look so outrageous. :) Of course that is on a semi-log plat, so a beta of 5000 wouldn't look too outrageous at this point.


In not so pleasant news (including that my job makes me want to jump off the face of a cliff right now), is that I am still spotting. Not very much, not very often. It stops and starts abruptly. I asked the nurse about it. She said that without an ultrasound, there isn't much information we can garner from the spotting. In fact she said, and I quote "we're going to ignore the spotting for now, unless you start bleeding heavily." I like how "we" are going to "ignore the spotting for now." Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. tra-la-la.

No, I'm going to worry about it, because, dammit, it's worrisome. So there. I shall, however, not freak out about it. That I CAN do. For now.

So now, I will officially say it, even though I had a tag on my last post about it: I AM PREGNANT.

I don't know for how long and I don't even want to think about all the things that could go wrong. But for now, I'm pregnant! I'm happy. Sad. Exited. Tired. Scared. Everything all rolled into one. I am still waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop," but so far so good..... :)

Beta Blast

I'm at work and just got the call. I am trying to write this surreptitiously so as not to attract attention to myself:

15dp3dt or 18dpo:

beta=1316 yikes!

I go back in on Wednesday and we are looking for a 66% increase; so the goal is 2185.