the wretched side of life--my demons: exposed

~~~Warning.....I am whiny and expose some pretty raw feelings here, so if you want to jump off this train now, I suggest you do so~~~

So tomorrow at 8 am we have the ultrasound. And I am scared. to. death. Up to this point, I have somewhat successfully "tricked" myself into believing I was only kinda pregnant. I'm not even really sure what that means. Probably my best definition is that something was at one point developing inside of me, as evident by the increasing HCG levels, but is probably gone now.

I feel like I need to tell everyone that I am not generally a pessimist. Really, I'm not. In fact, for all of you that have gotten positive pregnancy tests, I fully BELIEVE that things will work out well for you. But not for me. Not with this. Not when every gyn exam I have had since grad school and every subsequent surgery thereafter has given me bad news. Not when I keep spotting. Not when I read that it is common (up to 1 in 4) for pregnant women to spot lightly during the 1st trimester, but then ONE HALF of these women have a miscarriage. To show you how "glass half empty" I am right now, the sentence actually reads "Approximately half of pregnant women who bleed do not have miscarriages" [Emphasis added].

I am such a bundle of nerves right now. Why, oh why, can I not just roll with the tide? I know I don't have any control over this.....but boy, do I want to. <---Ugh, I hate it when I end sentences this way.

To continue with my whining, I am utterly exhausted every day, cannot focus on a single thing at work (they could all be speaking in a foreign language for all I know--and I fell asleep during two meetings), I feel like someone replaced my somewhat functioning brain with one of those fuzzy filters on the Clari.ton commercials, and I have increasing urgency to barf when I smell food that I normally love, like spaghetti sauce. Sound like normal pregnancy symptoms? Yes. But I have cleverly convinced myself that it is all psychosomatic. [Even though I did not know that feeling utterly fatigued is a sign of early pregnancy....I thought that came later.] No, no. What I am feeling is going to turn out to be a big hoax and my inability to be productive at work is a sign that I am undisciplined and weak. And probably pathetic.

My goodness, I sound so wretched, don't I? In a slightly disturbing way, it feels good just to lay all of this out here. To expose my demons and look at them. They're not pretty, to be sure, but I find that they are not quite as scary "out there," when I can look at them in the light of day and see them for what they are: my horror fantasies.


Well, I may have may you feel slightly ill, but I do actually feel better. Again, looking your demons in the eye, makes them seem somewhat ridiculous. For example: I may be having pregnancy symptoms and no viable pregnancy, but I certainly wouldn't do this to myself on purpose. I also may not be functioning well at work, but I have been there for 3 years and they haven't kicked me out yet, so I cannot suck that badly. Also, I do have flashes of brilliance, or at least competence, at work. There. Demons getting smaller.

Tomorrow is a big hurtle for me: an ultrasound that doesn't involve looking for uterine lining or follicle development. The first ultrasound of that kind for me ever. I am walking down a scary and unfamiliar road. For those of you who have been sticking it out with me, you have my sincere gratitude. Friends that can look at the darker side of you and not scurry away are friends indeed [even if they are only internet friends :) ]

Thank you for letting me share. My burdens seem lighter now. Just a little more manageable.

Until tomorrow........