Thoughts on being a DE Mom: before the pregnancy

First of all it is wonderful to write that word: Mom.

After all the pain of failed IVF attempts....

I have thought about writing this post for a very long time. Since before the kids were born. I have never put my thoughts down on paper (or, rather, on screen) because I have always thought that I would be able to sum it up in a few neat, well-constructed paragraphs. As I think about this, and as the kids grow, I realize that my perceptions change. My feelings about having kids via DE change. Not dramatically---they just seem to drift slightly to the left or two the right. Like walking on sand. With every step you take you are still going in the same direction, but each footfall doesn't land squarely on the sand and stay there. You feel the sand slide from under your feet and you lurch ever-so-slightly as you regain your solid footing. This is more of a journey than a destination.

DE in the beginning....

We entered the world of DE after my third attempt at IVF. Notice the word attempt. At the end of 2007 my third try at IVF was canceled due to a poor response. The letter from my doctor to sum up the last cycle was full of phrases that included "poor response to stimulation" "most aggressive protocols tried" and "donor oocytes suggested." Not that I was too surprised by the letter's contents. I had been in the IVF forums long enough to see the writing on the wall.

After the final canceled retrieval, I started investigating DE. After the doctor suggested it, I readily agreed consider it. My husband needed more convincing. We spoke to a counselor at the clinic, we read the suggested readings, we talked, we prayed. To be honest, I just couldn't take another disappointment. I wanted something with a solid chance of working. DE gave me that chance, but at a price. The cost was my own genetic connection to my potential children.

For me, the choice itself wasn't hard. What was hard were the consequences of that choice: knowing that I wouldn't have any genetic connection to my kids.

The initial decision-making days were fraught with philosophical questions about should we tell the children? If so, when? How? What kind of donor are we looking for...one that is more like me in my physical traits? In my personality?

My husband and I thought a lot about how we felt when we were teenagers. About how we felt about our sense of self. We decided that we wanted to be as open about this with our potential kids as we could. It is hard enough to make your way in this world without adding layers of complications on it. We decided that we would like to choose someone who shared some of my physical characteristics and personality traits, but that in the end those weren't the most important issues. We had other somewhat intangible desires for an egg donor. We were looking for a woman over 25 (so that she has a better chance of understanding the consequences of her actions), preferably already a mother (again so that she can appreciate what she was doing) and -here was the long shot- someone who would be willing to meet the kids when they turned 18.

We didn't want to hide anything from them. We wanted it to be as shameless as possible. So in the beginning, it was focused on the kids. What they would need to feel emotionally secure with
our choices. I don't want to make myself out as completely altruistic. I mourned the loss of the genetic connection with my kids. I sobbed in the shower so that no one would hear me. My heart was heavy. But it was also filled with hope.....

In the next few days I hope to have up my thoughts on DE during and just after the delivery of the boys. And then finally to where we are now, 20 months into being a mom.

Yikes!

Wow, I signed up for ICLW at the beginning of the month and then haven't posted anything! I guess that better change....starting today!

To introduce myself to anyone who doesn't know me, I am a 37 (almost 38...) year old woman, married for 12 years and is hopelessly infertile. We tried unsuccessfully for 8+ years on our own naturally and via IVF with my own eggs to have children. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, uterine fibroids and low ovarian reserve. Just after the turn of 2008 we decided to pursue having children via donor eggs, as this was our best option. Happily in the Fall of 2008 everything came together and we became pregnant with twin boys. After a rocky start, the pregnancy was relatively uneventful and the boys were born in July 2009 at 36 weeks. They have been by far the best and most tiring things in my life.

I have much to write about...things have changed over here. We have moved out of our 1 bedroom apartment to a new house in the 'burbs. (First house!!) Separate room for the kids, ie Hubby and I have our OWN room!

My mother-in-law now lives downstairs instead of in the room next door (yay!)

The boys are 20 months old and are amazing in every way!!

And, through it all, I THINK I am getting a handle on the whole parenting thing. (ha!)

Over the next few days I am going to start addressing some issues of being a DE mom. These are things that I have wanted to talk about for the past, say, 20 months or so, but haven't seemed to get there.

Disbelief

Wiseguy who has probably posted on every single thing I have ever written, who kindly checks up on me when I don't post for a while just found out that she lost her beloved daughter who resulted from a miracle pregnancy 6 years in the making. I am beyond shocked and saddened for her. Sometimes it feels that there is no justice in this world. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and tell her that you are thinking of her in this horrific time.

Melancholy Me: random blatherings

Hmmm. Not sure why I have the doldrums this Christmas season. I feel a bit like I did before I had the kids. That vague (and sometimes not so vague) feeling that something is missing. Infertility "stuff" seems to be weighing heavily on me these days. A very close friend of mine at work is undergoing fertility treatments. Ironic, as it was she just a few years ago that I leaned on so heavily during my cycles.

She has undiagnosed infertility. Her eggs look great. Her husband's sperm are of rockstar status. It just never has seemed to happen for her. She and her husband had timed intercourse, the whole bit. But no pregnancies after a year of concerted trying.

She was eligible for IVF, so she and her husband decided to go for it. I think after seeing all that I went through, she was ready to pull out all of the stops. She stimulated well: 10 eggs and 8 fertilized. Excellent quality. She and her husband have been going back and forth as to whether to transfer two or one embryos. Her husband decidedly does not want twins and she felt that twins would be too much to handle without a greater support system (all of her family lives in India). On transfer day, the transfer doc told them they would be transferring 2 embies, "as per the protocol" for someone her age. She questioned the doc about the chances of having twins and got an interesting reply: He asked her if it was going to be harder to have twins or to get a negative pregnancy result. She and her husband talked about it and decided that the possibility of raising twins would be harder. A negative would not be as bad. They transferred one and she eagerly (and nervously) pushed through her 2ww. I saw her ups and downs. Her good days (sometimes hours) and bad days (hours).

Two days before her beta, I saw her at work. Withdrawn, face sunken. I asked if something was wrong. She said that she thought that she had started her period (our clinic tests betas rather late on dpo17 or so). I was sure she hadn't. Maybe implantation bleeding?, I suggested. She called her nurse and had the beta moved up by a day.

The next morning I saw her at work. This time it looked as though she hadn't slept. Her eyes were puffy. Face swollen. Hair pulled back in a ponytail. "Have you gone in for a test", I asked. "Yes" she replied. She was waiting on the results. The nurse called her that afternoon. Negative. She sobbed. I suggested that she go home and try to get some rest, which she did.

What a horrible, horrible thing IF does to us. This woman is a pillar of strength. I admire the hell out of her. Watching her crumble under the pain and anguish of IF is heartbreaking.

Ironically, watching what she has been going through has given me a bit of a new perspective about my job performance over the previous 3 years (when I was undergoing IF treatment). I wonder, if this strong, capable woman wasn't impervious to the pain of IF and have it affect her work, then perhaps it is OK that it affected mine as well.

Now, with the approach of the holidays, she is waiting for her cycle to be reviewed by the clinic. They meet every Wed to discuss the previous cycles. They also have a backlog, so has taken a few weeks for them to get to her. This will be week #3 after her failed cycle. No word yet on what the clinic recommends.

She told me yesterday that she now has a different answer to the transfer doctor's question of whether it would be worse to get a negative results or to face the possibility of twin. "A negative," she said, "a negative is much worse."

I am thinking of all of you that are still cycling and still hoping. I am hoping with you

The little update that could...

I didn't have time for a "real" post, so I thought that I would add a couple of pictures of the boys both pre and post haircuts from this past October.

J standing, A sitting



J post-haircut!

A. post haircut

These guys are amazing, I hope that they will always know how much I love them...