decisions, decisions

Well, didn't I say that I would be posting more? Well, yeah, not so much huh?

Things have been mostly quiet around here. Mother in law is still here watching the kids during the day. The boys are growing like weeds. We worked through sleep training, so they now (mostly) sleep through the night. They eat solids, real adult food. Both boys are crawling and cruising. I am still working and trying to manage things at home. And in about 5 weeks the boys will be 1 year old! ONE. I cannot believe it......

We are in a weird sort of place now emotionally. I am still working at a job that I have had for the last nearly 5 years. This is usually the type of job that you stay at only about 4 or 5 years. I think I am almost finished with my project. I sincerely hope I am, because the work environment has gotten really cruddy lately.

We are considering a kind of scary proposition. Me finishing up my project and applying for jobs. But if nothing comes up soon, I will be a stay-at-home mom in the interim.

Oh the panic that sets in when I write that....not of taking care of the boys. I can do that. But of me not having a job. I have ALWAYS had a job. Since 16. Even through college. I even picked a profession that paid me a stipend in grad school. My husband has always been the wanderer. The free spirit. He has been the one not tied to any one position. I have always been the steadier one financially. We have always moved to where I was going to school, where I got the job. But now his job is going really well. They are talking a nice promotion (and a decent raise). And I don't know if I will ever get a chance to stay at home with the boys once I start into a "real job." (ie, not working in the lab I do now.) And they are already nearly ONE. And, let's face it, although we have 16 frosties on ice....who knows if I can successfully carry another baby? I have already had 3 major uterine surgeries.....

So, we are facing a big decision. And it is not just the 4 of us. It is MIL too. We help support her financially. So it's not just us to worry about financially. Also, I am not sure if I want two women home during the day. Although that can be quite a help with twins, it can be hard having two "moms" making the decisions. However, I don't want her to think we are kicking her out. She has done a bang up job. But there has been conflict, as you can imagine.

Ugh. I am just rambling. Sorry.

We can definitely float for about 4 months or so w/ our current bills if I don't work....

What to do, what to do...

Catching up

I can't believe it has been 7 months since the boys were born. SEVEN MONTHS!

There are so many blog posts that I thought that I would get to sooner. It seems that I have been in a fog. A sleepless, fun, exasperating fog.

I absolutely love my kids. And it has taken me nearly 7 months to say that: MY kids. Not just "the boys." It has taken me 7 months not to want to "correct" people when they say that J has my nose, or A has my hair. I still don't really feel like a parent. At least not what I thought a parent should feel like. Somehow I thought I would be smarter, a better nurturer, or that I would suddenly be endowed with a sense of what I should and shouldn't be doing for these boys.

As it turns out, I'm still just me. Messy, insecure, second-guessing me, except now I have two little ones that make me laugh when I'm in a bad mood and can remind me why "a mother's work is never done."

Good Lord I love these kids, but I may never sleep again.

A with his flirty smile



Happy J


Brothers

The best Christmas ever.

For the past 8 or so years, hubby and I have been at Christmas Eve Mass and said, "Maybe next year we will be here with a baby."

I don't remember anything about the Mass this year, except that two fussy babies that fell asleep in our arms before Communion. It was wonderful.

The next morning we gave them their first Christmas presents:

(This looks suspiciously like an ad...but it's not....)

A and J: Christmas morning, before the spit up!

Here I come again...

Ahh, hello everyone (anyone) who may still be out there and checking my blog.

I keep meaning to update/post/put down my thoughts, and I never seem to get around to it. Sorry about that. This blog has been a great outlet for me!

One of the problems is that my (wonderful) Mother in Law is living with us and helping us take care of the babies. She is our live in nanny, which is wonderful, wonderful, except that we live in a one bedroom apt. The kids sleep in a crib in our room, while she sleeps in the den. Where our computer is. Needless to say, it is kind of hard writing down your inner-most feelings when someone else is sitting in an armchair 5 feet from you watching TV.

Anywho, I have been trying to remember to take my laptop home from work, so I can at least blog on the couch. It is still only about 5 feet from my MIL, but at least it is in a different room. :)

So, to the lovely Wiseguy who kindly asked if everything is OK, yep, I'm still here. All is well. Still having my struggles. Still trying to check up on you all (I've become a *gasp* lurker!).

Hopefully, the holidays will give me more time to sit down and pull out this tangled web of thoughts in my head and lay them out before you like so much spaghetti. You must be thrilled, I'm sure ;)

'Till we meet again,

Brenda

Coming up for air

Hi Y'all.

Um, so it's been a while, eh?

So it's been 14 weeks since the boys arrived, and I THINK we may have a routine down now. Sort of. At least the boys go down at 6-7pm and stay down (usually) until 11pm-1am or so. That is a gianormous improvement from, well, since they were born.

I have about a thousand blog posts in me. I have been thinking about how having children has affected the way I think about my infertility (not too much has changed), about the egg donor, about being a mother of children conceived by egg donation and about being a mom in general. But, even though I finally have some time to post today, I think I am going to take a little more time to sleep or spend time with my husband.

I do have some pics of the boys. :)

Gator fans

J and A: 3 months

J and A: why it takes a thousand pictures to get one good one....