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Monday, April 25, 2011

Thoughts during a DE pregnancy

I think that it must be odd for any one who is pregnant--knowing that there is a small human growing inside your belly. I know it was true for me. Being pregnant was a surreal experience for me. Something that I loved, and yet was so fearful of enjoying.

After so many tries with my own eggs and with nothing to show for it. I was completely taken aback when we found out we were pregnant. It was when things were quiet that I would let my mind drift to what these boys would be like when they entered the world.

And I'll be honest. Some of the things that seemed merely academic when DH and I were discussing DE, were a little more painful when I was pregnant. A little more real.

Ol' blue eyes.

I think that it is normal to dream what your kids will look like. At least I imagined that it was. There, in front of the fire, dreamily knitting the baby booties. It is strange when you know going into it that your child won't have your hair, won't have your smile, won't have your laugh. Again, I KNEW that going into DE. I researched it. I spoke with counselors. But it was still there. As overjoyed that I was that I was pregnant. It was still there.

Because we were very interested in finding a donor who was willing to meet with the kids when they got older, we were willing to be more 'relaxed' in other areas, such as physical characteristics. While dark hair and fair skin were requirements, I didn't think too much about other attributes, such as eye color. After we got pregnant, I had this small nagging voice in the back of my head......'your children will have blue eyes.' See, I have very dark brown eyes. I come from a family with mostly brown eyes. My husband, however, has lovely blue eyes. The donor? Blue eyes.

And Blue eyes + blue eyes = blue eyes.

Although I would never would have admitted it to anyone at the time, there were moments in between all the joy of actually being pregnant of sadness of my loss of a genetic connection with my kids.

Independent people.

When I would feel sombered by this I would remind myself I would think of myself and say, "I'm a completely independent person from my mother, from my father. As much as I am like them, I am a completely independent person. I make my own choices, I have my own likes and dislikes." As rudimentary as that sounds, sometimes it was a revelation to me. I was my own person. And my children were going to be themselves. There was no guarantee if my husband and I were to have our own genetic children that they would be anything like us. They may love to play football, abhor school, hate art and music, detest science. Although they would share our genes, they were going to their own independent units. And wasn't that what we were hoping for anyway? Didn't we want to raise children who were self-assured. Who knew their own likes and dislikes? Who could make decisions independent of us, their parents?

The answer, of course, was (and still is) yes.

That, in the end, made my pregnancy easier. When those twinges of sadness would arise, it was this that I would focus on.

Coming next....thoughts on DE after having the twins...


Michelle D said...

Great thoughts. Always interesting to see the thoughts of those going through this being similar. Thanks for sharing.

Eb said...

I had such similar thoughts when I was pregnant. I hoped they would have something, anything that resembled me but no, I have two kids that you wouldn't put with me in a line up!
That hurts a little. But I still have them.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I am really looking forward to reading the next chapter.

Sarah said...

thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am learning that infertility doesn't end with a BFP and your story will help other ladies on their journeys!!

Happy ICLW

St Elsewhere said...

Loving the honesty here...the loss of the gentic connection would have weighed heavily on me too.


Nicole said...

I can imagine how the loss of the genetic component must feel. I can imagine it would be so tough. Before I became infertile, I would always comment how I would love to adopt kids because there are kids that already exist and they need homes too. But, since being infertile, I understand why people want to have their own genes. That being said, I agree with you that everyone is independent and they will be like you in personality and other traits and then they will be totally different than you in other ways. I just found your blog after you left me a comment and I am so glad i did. it is really wonderful to read a different infertility story and i am very happy you were able to have two little ones!

Anonymous said...

Hi from the blog hop ICLW #156
I never thought of how it'd feel to be pregnant and think "they won't have my eyes, my hair, etc"
Must be so hard on one hand, yet being so thankful to have them. i think its probably natural to mourn the loss of your genetics while still celebrating how you are without doubt their mommy. Good luck! Tracey

St Elsewhere said...

Brenda, I hope you are already writing the next part of the DE series....

And there is something for you on my blog.... :-)

jenicini said...

Just popped over from Eb's blog when I saw the title of your post. So true. Who wouldn't feel like this in some of the small moments? I hoped that my son would get the blue eyes from our donor as a shout out to me...but alas no. :) Hazel like my hubby's eyes. It certainly doesn't stop me from adoring those hazel eyes!

Songcatcher Siren said...

Found you through Maddy. This post really speaks to me as my husband and I try to work through our feelings on the different paths we may need to take in our quest to become parents. Its very raw & emotional right now. I'm glad to have happened upon your blog.

S said...

I'm very late in commenting on this post. Found your blog through Augusta's. . .

Being currently pregnant with twin boys via DE, I was really able to relate to what you wrote. In our case, we did pick a donor who looks like she could be related to me. . . but I know that our boys will be their own independent people regardless.

Some strange emotions, both positive and negative, come with knowing you aren't genetically related to your children.

I'd be interested in reading your thoughts on this now that your twins are here.