Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

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Sunday, November 2, 2008

Day of Reconing

So....this are moving smoothly in the Hope Springs Infertile household. A little TOO smoothly.

We are smack in the middle of our first (and only??) Donor Egg cycle (IVF #4). My hormones are sufficiently suppressed and my estradiol count sufficiently is elevated. The donor has started on her lupron, quit her birth control and is waiting for her period. She should get her period any day now (predicted to be Nov 2). When she does, she will go in for a baseline and the process will move to "THE STIMULATION PHASE." (This should be said with a deep and dramatic voice).

Besides the fact that for most of last week I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, things are indeed going smoothly. I do try to take it one day at a time. One hurtle at a time. I am, though, nervously looking ahead. Not to a pregancy or a baby, but to viable eggs. Something of which I know little about.

When my husband and I started considering DE a year ago after my 3rd failed IVF (the second in which I had failed to even stimulate), we had a lot of long, heavy conversations. We moved from the initial "Should we try again hoping for our own eggs? How do you feel about the baby being genetically related to only one of us?" to "Are we going to tell our parents? Our (potential) kids?" We decided yes to both questions, because we wanted there to be no secrets to how our children were conceived. Now, in the parents/other relatives department, don't get me wrong. We haven't told everyone, just close family. We also just update them with the facts, not too much info, as this is obviously a very personal decision.

One thing that we did decide on was that we would let our potential kids know of their origins. That we wanted to have children very much and needed to use another woman's eggs in order to do so. We didn't want to turn this into a large family secret. The gorilla in the room, as it were. We both remember the struggle to find out who we really "were" when we were growing up, and although using DE adds a layer of complexity for them, we didn't want it to seem 'bad.' We don't want to make it a taboo subject in our home. That may make it more uncomfortable for us, but we think it will be best for them. That means that they are going to have a lot of questions. And we would like to have a least some of the answers.

That is why we want to meet our donor. We didn't have any friends or family who could donate for us, so our donor is virtually anonymous to us, save for her profile that we looked at 6 months ago. Although we know what we read, we want to tell our kids that we spoke to her, asked her some questions, etc.

Now the time has come. We are moving onto THE STIMULATION PHASE. If there were ever a time to meet her, now is it. We have a date and a time: next Sunday, Nov 9 at 1pm.

And I am really scared.

Of what, I'm not sure.

And I cannot think of a single thing to ask her.

My husband appears quite comfortable. I asked him if he would tell me what he was going to ask her, but he is being a bit coy. I think that he doesn't want me to steal his questions. :)

I feel as though any thing I might ask is going to come out sounding dumb, or worse, invasive. My mind is in a total fog.

I think some of my fear in meeting her is that all of this will become real. Really. Really. Real. We really could get pregnant. We really could have a baby. Or we really could have yet another disappointment.

Does any one have any suggestions on what you would want to know if you were told you were born of donor eggs?

6 comments:

musicmakermomma said...

What a great opportunity - and scary! We weren't given the option to meet our donor, but I agree that would have been a great thing to tell my potential child. I guess rather than asking any specific questions I would try to get a "feel" of her personality by just hanging out and chatting. The other idea I might have is to imagine the conversation you want to have with your future child, and what you want to be able to tell them about her. Good luck!

Malky B. said...

What she looked like, how old she was, why she choose to be a donor - that would probably be my questions as a child conceived through donor egg.

Also maybe where she lived and what she was doing at the time school/career wise.

What her personality was like as well.

angrycanrn said...

I would ask if she would be willing to be available to contact should your children want to meet her when they are old enough to make that decsion.

I would want to get a feel for her motivations.

I would wonder if she could provide some pictures of herself and her family, should your children one day be curious about that.

I would ask her if she would consider writing your child a letter to be opened when they are of age describing her story. How she came to a place to help another family have a child.

These are just off the top of my sleep deprived head....

Good luck.

jodie38 said...

Wow. All kinds of possibilities. I'm considering asking to meet my donor, but I haven't thought that all the way through yet. We still have time. I know I would be a mess. I didn't meet our donor last time and I was still a freaking mess. I remember feeling very strongly how real everything was becoming, and of just being overwhelmed with emotion at the prospect of planets potentially aligning in our favor for once. I think I'd ask her what motivated her to donate and make sure she knows how much it means to us. Maybe ask her what would be something she'd like the child to know about her, if they should ask.

If I were told I came from donor eggs, I think I'd be most interested in a general impression of her, and the answers to the above questions. Whatever you ask, I'm sure it'll be fine. Just let the conversation evolve. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes, if you feel that you can.

andi said...

Hi there - I think I would want to know some of her fav things i.e chocolate icecream with peanut butter mixed in.

Good luck my dear.

Peeveme said...

I think I would ask her what she would want them to know. Not only do you get the content of what she wants them to know but also the things she chooses to say will tell you and them volumes about her, her values, the way she thinks about being a donor. What is her hope for these children? What are her hopes for her own children (if she has any).

I'd also probably ask practical things like "Did she have braces, when did she get her first period, acne as a teen, male pattern baldness in the family, what were he labor and deliveries like 9if she had any). Stuff like that so I could tell my children and they'd have some information to make them feel linked to what they are going through as teens/young adults.