Thanks everyone for the well wishes. The surgery was a couple of days ago and I'm feeling pretty well.
So here is the rest of the story (or at least as far as I can make it before the pain meds kick into full gear).
After I went to the local hospital about the presumed gall bladder attack where they saw the "really big cyst" (RBC), I went to my RE in the big city hospital (BCH). The people at the RE's office were not terribly impressed with the RBC. They said that it looked like a peritoneal inclusion cyst. Well, the narcotics took effect faster than I thought. Before I fall asleep on the screen of the iPad, I'll have to pick up the story later.
Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
It's official...I'm having a....
Really big (benign!) cyst removed on Tuesday.
Yeah...good times.
And by really big, I mean 22 cm x 23 cm x 9 cm (or, in inches, 9 x 9 x 3).
This is sort of a weird and interesting story, and one that has thrust my brain and emotions back in to the land of infertility. I think I have worked through most of it, but I thought I would lay in out here to fully flesh out what I am thinking and to share with anyone who comes to this blog.
I started to notice that something didn't feel quite right about a year ago. I had started a semi-regular exercise routine with a good friend. Although I was seeing major improvements in my stamina (when you start at the bottom, you can only go up!), something in my belly just didn't feel right. The feeling was hard to explain. I had a sharp pain in the lower left of my pelvis and a feeling of fullness in my belly in general. It made exercising more and more difficult, particularly the pain in my lower left abdomen. I made an appointment with my primary care doctor.
She sent me out for an ultrasound. The technician was taking a very long time to do the ultrasound. That sent up some red flags on my part. She told me that I had a lot of free fluid in my abdomen and my uterus was really tipped forward. As in, the top of the uterus was pointing to the ceiling when I was lying on my back.
I believe that was on a Thursday in May. The very next day, after I had eaten dinner and gone to bed for the night, I woke up at about 11 pm with an absolutely terrible pain in my abdomen. All I could do was moan pitifully and lie on the couch. At maybe 2 in the morning, I told my husband that we better go to the emergency room. There, they gave me wonderful drugs and started to look for the cause of the pain.
An ultrasound was performed and she also noted a lot of free fluid in my abdomen, she also looked at my gall bladder and saw a very nicely-sized gallstone. The doctors were pretty sure that was the cause of the pain, but decided that they would also perform a cat scan, I remember the doctor filling me in on the results of all my tests and with their recommendations. They consisted of the followig: you should make an appointment with a general surgeon about the gallstone, but for the love of all that is holy, SEE YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THIS THING IN YOUR BELLY. CALL FIRST THING ON MONDAY MORNING. HOLY SHIT. As you can imagine, I was motivated to see someone.
And I'll leave it for here now. Given that the thought of surgery gives me insomnia, I will likely have time to post over the next few nights. Until then interwebs, I'm off to browse imgur.com!
Yeah...good times.
And by really big, I mean 22 cm x 23 cm x 9 cm (or, in inches, 9 x 9 x 3).
This is sort of a weird and interesting story, and one that has thrust my brain and emotions back in to the land of infertility. I think I have worked through most of it, but I thought I would lay in out here to fully flesh out what I am thinking and to share with anyone who comes to this blog.
I started to notice that something didn't feel quite right about a year ago. I had started a semi-regular exercise routine with a good friend. Although I was seeing major improvements in my stamina (when you start at the bottom, you can only go up!), something in my belly just didn't feel right. The feeling was hard to explain. I had a sharp pain in the lower left of my pelvis and a feeling of fullness in my belly in general. It made exercising more and more difficult, particularly the pain in my lower left abdomen. I made an appointment with my primary care doctor.
She sent me out for an ultrasound. The technician was taking a very long time to do the ultrasound. That sent up some red flags on my part. She told me that I had a lot of free fluid in my abdomen and my uterus was really tipped forward. As in, the top of the uterus was pointing to the ceiling when I was lying on my back.
I believe that was on a Thursday in May. The very next day, after I had eaten dinner and gone to bed for the night, I woke up at about 11 pm with an absolutely terrible pain in my abdomen. All I could do was moan pitifully and lie on the couch. At maybe 2 in the morning, I told my husband that we better go to the emergency room. There, they gave me wonderful drugs and started to look for the cause of the pain.
An ultrasound was performed and she also noted a lot of free fluid in my abdomen, she also looked at my gall bladder and saw a very nicely-sized gallstone. The doctors were pretty sure that was the cause of the pain, but decided that they would also perform a cat scan, I remember the doctor filling me in on the results of all my tests and with their recommendations. They consisted of the followig: you should make an appointment with a general surgeon about the gallstone, but for the love of all that is holy, SEE YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THIS THING IN YOUR BELLY. CALL FIRST THING ON MONDAY MORNING. HOLY SHIT. As you can imagine, I was motivated to see someone.
And I'll leave it for here now. Given that the thought of surgery gives me insomnia, I will likely have time to post over the next few nights. Until then interwebs, I'm off to browse imgur.com!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I love halloween!
Not because of the candy or because of the costumes, but because four years ago today I was officially pregnant. Not that I really was, mind you. The date of retrieval for our donor wasn't until later in November and the transfer 3 days after that. But on all my OB records, the estimated date of conception was 10/31/2008 to conform with the "normal" pregnancy calculators.
Here are my little sprouts at 3 years old, 4 years after "conception."
Here are my little sprouts at 3 years old, 4 years after "conception."
J, as a cow!
A as a cow!
My boys and Daddy at a community safe Halloween...not sure why here was construction equipment there, but they loved it.
My boys are getting so, so big!
Friday, July 27, 2012
A fine line between responsiveness and manipulation
So here I sit on the living room chair at 3:30 in the morning writing a post on my phone.....UGH! So please forgive any typing errors.
I swear, an evil spirit has taken over my kids! Any semblance of control over bed time has absolutely vanished in this house! J and A used to go to bed (or at last play quietly in their room) from about 8:30 or 8:45 until they fell asleep, which could be around 9:30. Now, granted, we have a lot of "get back to bed" conversations during this process (they were allowed 3 each before punishment ensued).
BUT NOW, all holy heck has broken loose! J won't go to sleep unless he can sleep in our bed (he has come in the middle of the night to sleep with us for some time now). Getting up in the middle of the night and requesting milk and to snuggle with us in bed is one thing. Requiring Mom (and ONLY Mom) to lay next to him in bed to FALL asleep is another.
His brother, upon seeing J get to leave the bedroom, has decided that this is extremely unfair (I can't really blame him) and insists on either joining us, or sleeping next to Dad while Dad watches TV or plays a video game. I can't have A join J and me in the bed, as putting those two together when they are tired and grumpy either leads to lots of giggling and wrestling or to crying and kicking. That means that I lay next to J on our bed until he falls asleep (which means I do as well). DH watches TV on the couch with A until he falls asleep. So, DH and I never get to really say more than a few words to each other. I end up going to bed in my jeans and t-shirt without brushing my teeth. And thus, I end up waking up at 3 in the morning to brush teeth, take a shower and get into my pjs.
Ugh, where did my good sleeping boys go? Heck, where did my MODESTLY well sleeping boys go? Poor sleeping around here leads to grumpy kids and grumpy parents. We've tried letting them cry it out, and we have been successful with this method when they were younger. Now, J gets so hysterical if he can't sleep in our bed, that he starts sobbing uncontrollably until he starts hyperventilating and shaking. A will just scream at the top of his lungs for over an hour. That means we can't leave them on the same room right now to fall asleep, because they just whip each other up into such a frenzy. And, because my mother-in-law lives on the bottom floor of our house, we only have two bedrooms upstairs: theirs and ours. We have tried to take the boys downstairs (Grandma graciously offered to try to get one to fall asleep downstairs), but the kid gets so excited about being out of his routine, that he is bouncing off the walls. Last time my mother-in-law had to return her charge at 11:30 because SHE wanted to go to bed, and all J wanted to do was jump up and down on her bed. I think some of this chaos is a result of them trying to transition out of their nap.
But heaven help me, this is just a phase, right? Right?!? I don't think I ever appreciated the fine line parents sometimes have to straddle between helping their kids get through a rough time and being manipulated by them to their own detriment (and ours). Please, oh please, let this be a phase. And let it end soon!! Zzzzzzzz
I swear, an evil spirit has taken over my kids! Any semblance of control over bed time has absolutely vanished in this house! J and A used to go to bed (or at last play quietly in their room) from about 8:30 or 8:45 until they fell asleep, which could be around 9:30. Now, granted, we have a lot of "get back to bed" conversations during this process (they were allowed 3 each before punishment ensued).
BUT NOW, all holy heck has broken loose! J won't go to sleep unless he can sleep in our bed (he has come in the middle of the night to sleep with us for some time now). Getting up in the middle of the night and requesting milk and to snuggle with us in bed is one thing. Requiring Mom (and ONLY Mom) to lay next to him in bed to FALL asleep is another.
His brother, upon seeing J get to leave the bedroom, has decided that this is extremely unfair (I can't really blame him) and insists on either joining us, or sleeping next to Dad while Dad watches TV or plays a video game. I can't have A join J and me in the bed, as putting those two together when they are tired and grumpy either leads to lots of giggling and wrestling or to crying and kicking. That means that I lay next to J on our bed until he falls asleep (which means I do as well). DH watches TV on the couch with A until he falls asleep. So, DH and I never get to really say more than a few words to each other. I end up going to bed in my jeans and t-shirt without brushing my teeth. And thus, I end up waking up at 3 in the morning to brush teeth, take a shower and get into my pjs.
Ugh, where did my good sleeping boys go? Heck, where did my MODESTLY well sleeping boys go? Poor sleeping around here leads to grumpy kids and grumpy parents. We've tried letting them cry it out, and we have been successful with this method when they were younger. Now, J gets so hysterical if he can't sleep in our bed, that he starts sobbing uncontrollably until he starts hyperventilating and shaking. A will just scream at the top of his lungs for over an hour. That means we can't leave them on the same room right now to fall asleep, because they just whip each other up into such a frenzy. And, because my mother-in-law lives on the bottom floor of our house, we only have two bedrooms upstairs: theirs and ours. We have tried to take the boys downstairs (Grandma graciously offered to try to get one to fall asleep downstairs), but the kid gets so excited about being out of his routine, that he is bouncing off the walls. Last time my mother-in-law had to return her charge at 11:30 because SHE wanted to go to bed, and all J wanted to do was jump up and down on her bed. I think some of this chaos is a result of them trying to transition out of their nap.
But heaven help me, this is just a phase, right? Right?!? I don't think I ever appreciated the fine line parents sometimes have to straddle between helping their kids get through a rough time and being manipulated by them to their own detriment (and ours). Please, oh please, let this be a phase. And let it end soon!! Zzzzzzzz
Thursday, July 12, 2012
3 years ago today...
Three years ago today. Wow, three years ago today my sons A and J came into this world. It's a day that utterly and incomprehensibly changed my life for the better. How could have been three years already? And how could it only have been three years?
The boys are so big now. Talking all the time--most of it understandable.
They can do so many things now. Things I love, like singing and asking for what they want. And thinks I don't like so much, like opening the refrigerator door and opening the sliding glass door (including undoing the lock).
Besides the amazing explosion of speech in this past year (they were only saying a couple of words by their 2nd birthday), their empathy for others has increased exponentially. They want their boo-boos kissed and they want to kiss your boo boos as well. A picture of a dinosaur in one of their books may be sad, and I'll ask why: J will answer matter-of-factly, "It's 'cause he misses his Mommy 'n Daddy."
Maybe because they are twins, until recently they seemed to be so aggressively fighting for their independence. Now, they WANT to hold hands with us when we cross the road. Sometimes they get so overcome with joy that they have to spontaneously hug us. My boys have such strong personalities and are so active, that it always seemed like they wanted to run, jump or roughhouse rather than dole out kisses and hugs. Now they find time for both.
I'm so proud of my big boys. I love them so much. No other people on this planet can cause me to swell with such joy when I see them, or lead to such exasperation when they misbehave.
My toe-headded cherub A and my sweet, giggly-boy J, Mommy loves you so very much.
The boys are so big now. Talking all the time--most of it understandable.
They can do so many things now. Things I love, like singing and asking for what they want. And thinks I don't like so much, like opening the refrigerator door and opening the sliding glass door (including undoing the lock).
Besides the amazing explosion of speech in this past year (they were only saying a couple of words by their 2nd birthday), their empathy for others has increased exponentially. They want their boo-boos kissed and they want to kiss your boo boos as well. A picture of a dinosaur in one of their books may be sad, and I'll ask why: J will answer matter-of-factly, "It's 'cause he misses his Mommy 'n Daddy."
Maybe because they are twins, until recently they seemed to be so aggressively fighting for their independence. Now, they WANT to hold hands with us when we cross the road. Sometimes they get so overcome with joy that they have to spontaneously hug us. My boys have such strong personalities and are so active, that it always seemed like they wanted to run, jump or roughhouse rather than dole out kisses and hugs. Now they find time for both.
I'm so proud of my big boys. I love them so much. No other people on this planet can cause me to swell with such joy when I see them, or lead to such exasperation when they misbehave.
My toe-headded cherub A and my sweet, giggly-boy J, Mommy loves you so very much.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Buzz, buzz, buzz
Well, it's been a long time since I have written anything on my blog, so I totally don't blame you for wondering if I'm alive or dead! It seems like things have and haven't changed here in my household. Not the least of things I have been dealing with is my anxiety. It seems to have been on overdrive lately. But, I hope that I'm getting that under control and moving forward! I have many things that I want to overshare with you, but thought I would leave you with a quick picture from this past Halloween. The actual trick-or-treating was moved due to a freak snowstorm here in the Northeast, so the boys went out on Sunday, November 6th. That was actually nice in a way, because it was a Sunday. It also made for funny trick-or-treating because many people were watching the Patriots-Giants football game. At first I thought everyone was just dressing up in Patriots uniforms, but by the 3rd house I realized that they were keen on telling me the score, because I was obviously being deprived of watching the game by taking my kids trick-or-treating! Pretty funny!!
A and J admiring the candy that we are going to GIVE to the trick-or-treaters...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The children are 2 and all is well...
Just a little note to tell you all is well. My parents have been visiting for 6 weeks and in June I went to my brother's wedding....and on July 12th the boys turned two. We are all good, if a little busy. Hopefully ill get my behind in gear sooner rather than later to post.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sometimes I just wonder why....
Does bad news come in threes?
First, my dear friend (and coworker) had her second IVF (1st FET). They transferred two very high quality embryos. Wonderfully, she found out she was pregnant. Only to find that BOTH the embryos were ectopic. Unbelievable. "Fortunately" they both resolved on their own.
Next, sweet Augusta had tragic news regarding what seemed to be such a promising pregnancy.
And now thirdly, another coworker has just informed my boss that her pregnancy of nearly 12 weeks has taken a tragic turn as well.
I hope the saying of bad news coming in threes is true, because I just don't think I can handle any more right now.
...sigh...
First, my dear friend (and coworker) had her second IVF (1st FET). They transferred two very high quality embryos. Wonderfully, she found out she was pregnant. Only to find that BOTH the embryos were ectopic. Unbelievable. "Fortunately" they both resolved on their own.
Next, sweet Augusta had tragic news regarding what seemed to be such a promising pregnancy.
And now thirdly, another coworker has just informed my boss that her pregnancy of nearly 12 weeks has taken a tragic turn as well.
I hope the saying of bad news coming in threes is true, because I just don't think I can handle any more right now.
...sigh...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
blog award!
I am happy to say that I am the recipient of a combo blog award from St. Elsewhere, who is awesome, and strong, and did I say awesome?
I am supposed to write a 10 bullet blurb about myself and then tag others. I am a little shy on the tagging, but I'll see what I an do.
Here it goes on my end:
1. I still wonder if I'll get pregnant "naturally." Even though I have endometriosis, my ovaries are stuck by adhesions to the back of my uterus and one of my fallopian tubes is "lost" in my intestinal mass. Oh, and I have cruddy eggs. Futile optimism. Go figure. Actually, I only wonder right about the time I get my period, so I don't have to wonder very long. :)
2. I am working on getting a new job, I just need to start contacting people and get myself out there. It will be nice to be leaving the academic world!
3. I eat uncooked pasta--as a snack. Macaroni, spaghetti, whatever. I have since I was a teenager. I am not sure why, but I noticed that I start to crave it when I become anemic. Perhaps it is because pasta is iron fortified? Not sure, but I'm crunching on some now. (And yes, my family things I AM nuts. And yes, I am anemic. And no, I CAN'T hear you over the crunching of the pasta)
4. I just learned you can make s'mores in the microwave. Not great for losing weight, but great as a snack! (and they taste better than uncooked pasta!)
5. I think as a general rule, cats should be able to roam outside. I am looking at my first "son", Max, here as I type. He was sickly as a kitten, but has been in great health ever since. He turned 15 this March. I attribute a lot of his health on his outside activity. I know that it exposes him to parasites, other animals and various other dangers. But, it also keeps his mind active, his weight healthy. I think of him going outside like me dining on delicious dinners. Sure, I could go on a calorie restriction diet and live another 15 years. Or I could eat moderately and enjoy those years. I choose to enjoy!
6. I am a World of Warcraft widow.
7. My favorite color oscillates between green and blue.
8. I am only at #8, and it is 11:30pm. I need to go to bed.
9. Speaking of, I have found that a "sleep routine" has just about saved me. I generally go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Even on the weekend. Now, I don't have bouts of falling asleep during seminars (unless they are very boring!)
10. Keeping a laptop on my tummy this long upsets my stomach :( BUT I ALWAYS SEEM TO DO IT!
Many thanks again to St. Elsewhere for giving me these lovely awards. I shall now award these to some other fantastic bloggers who I would like to know more about!
http://www.myfoxyfamily.com/
http://inconceivable-pofjourneytomotherhood.blogspot.com/
http://www.sprogblogger.com/
http://howtodanceintherain.blogspot.com/
http://allinonebasket-augusta.blogspot.com/
Oh, and if you don't read Jen at Maybe if you Just relax. Perhaps you should check her out. She is an awesome woman and wickedly funny. Some of her friends are putting together a fund to help her family out (she has a 2yo daughter, and recently twins. One of which tragically was born still, while the other is putting up an astounding fight in the NICU). She is an amazing woman who would never ask for help, but could use it.
I am supposed to write a 10 bullet blurb about myself and then tag others. I am a little shy on the tagging, but I'll see what I an do.Here it goes on my end:
1. I still wonder if I'll get pregnant "naturally." Even though I have endometriosis, my ovaries are stuck by adhesions to the back of my uterus and one of my fallopian tubes is "lost" in my intestinal mass. Oh, and I have cruddy eggs. Futile optimism. Go figure. Actually, I only wonder right about the time I get my period, so I don't have to wonder very long. :)
2. I am working on getting a new job, I just need to start contacting people and get myself out there. It will be nice to be leaving the academic world!
3. I eat uncooked pasta--as a snack. Macaroni, spaghetti, whatever. I have since I was a teenager. I am not sure why, but I noticed that I start to crave it when I become anemic. Perhaps it is because pasta is iron fortified? Not sure, but I'm crunching on some now. (And yes, my family things I AM nuts. And yes, I am anemic. And no, I CAN'T hear you over the crunching of the pasta)
4. I just learned you can make s'mores in the microwave. Not great for losing weight, but great as a snack! (and they taste better than uncooked pasta!)
5. I think as a general rule, cats should be able to roam outside. I am looking at my first "son", Max, here as I type. He was sickly as a kitten, but has been in great health ever since. He turned 15 this March. I attribute a lot of his health on his outside activity. I know that it exposes him to parasites, other animals and various other dangers. But, it also keeps his mind active, his weight healthy. I think of him going outside like me dining on delicious dinners. Sure, I could go on a calorie restriction diet and live another 15 years. Or I could eat moderately and enjoy those years. I choose to enjoy!
6. I am a World of Warcraft widow.
7. My favorite color oscillates between green and blue.
8. I am only at #8, and it is 11:30pm. I need to go to bed.
9. Speaking of, I have found that a "sleep routine" has just about saved me. I generally go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Even on the weekend. Now, I don't have bouts of falling asleep during seminars (unless they are very boring!)
10. Keeping a laptop on my tummy this long upsets my stomach :( BUT I ALWAYS SEEM TO DO IT!
Many thanks again to St. Elsewhere for giving me these lovely awards. I shall now award these to some other fantastic bloggers who I would like to know more about!
http://www.myfoxyfamily.com/
http://inconceivable-pofjourneytomotherhood.blogspot.com/
http://www.sprogblogger.com/
http://howtodanceintherain.blogspot.com/
http://allinonebasket-augusta.blogspot.com/
Oh, and if you don't read Jen at Maybe if you Just relax. Perhaps you should check her out. She is an awesome woman and wickedly funny. Some of her friends are putting together a fund to help her family out (she has a 2yo daughter, and recently twins. One of which tragically was born still, while the other is putting up an astounding fight in the NICU). She is an amazing woman who would never ask for help, but could use it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thoughts during a DE pregnancy
I think that it must be odd for any one who is pregnant--knowing that there is a small human growing inside your belly. I know it was true for me. Being pregnant was a surreal experience for me. Something that I loved, and yet was so fearful of enjoying.
After so many tries with my own eggs and with nothing to show for it. I was completely taken aback when we found out we were pregnant. It was when things were quiet that I would let my mind drift to what these boys would be like when they entered the world.
And I'll be honest. Some of the things that seemed merely academic when DH and I were discussing DE, were a little more painful when I was pregnant. A little more real.
Ol' blue eyes.
I think that it is normal to dream what your kids will look like. At least I imagined that it was. There, in front of the fire, dreamily knitting the baby booties. It is strange when you know going into it that your child won't have your hair, won't have your smile, won't have your laugh. Again, I KNEW that going into DE. I researched it. I spoke with counselors. But it was still there. As overjoyed that I was that I was pregnant. It was still there.
Because we were very interested in finding a donor who was willing to meet with the kids when they got older, we were willing to be more 'relaxed' in other areas, such as physical characteristics. While dark hair and fair skin were requirements, I didn't think too much about other attributes, such as eye color. After we got pregnant, I had this small nagging voice in the back of my head......'your children will have blue eyes.' See, I have very dark brown eyes. I come from a family with mostly brown eyes. My husband, however, has lovely blue eyes. The donor? Blue eyes.
And Blue eyes + blue eyes = blue eyes.
Although I would never would have admitted it to anyone at the time, there were moments in between all the joy of actually being pregnant of sadness of my loss of a genetic connection with my kids.
Independent people.
When I would feel sombered by this I would remind myself of....well....me. I would think of myself and say, "I'm a completely independent person from my mother, from my father. As much as I am like them, I am a completely independent person. I make my own choices, I have my own likes and dislikes." As rudimentary as that sounds, sometimes it was a revelation to me. I was my own person. And my children were going to be themselves. There was no guarantee if my husband and I were to have our own genetic children that they would be anything like us. They may love to play football, abhor school, hate art and music, detest science. Although they would share our genes, they were going to their own independent units. And wasn't that what we were hoping for anyway? Didn't we want to raise children who were self-assured. Who knew their own likes and dislikes? Who could make decisions independent of us, their parents?
The answer, of course, was (and still is) yes.
That, in the end, made my pregnancy easier. When those twinges of sadness would arise, it was this that I would focus on.
Coming next....thoughts on DE after having the twins...
After so many tries with my own eggs and with nothing to show for it. I was completely taken aback when we found out we were pregnant. It was when things were quiet that I would let my mind drift to what these boys would be like when they entered the world.
And I'll be honest. Some of the things that seemed merely academic when DH and I were discussing DE, were a little more painful when I was pregnant. A little more real.
Ol' blue eyes.
I think that it is normal to dream what your kids will look like. At least I imagined that it was. There, in front of the fire, dreamily knitting the baby booties. It is strange when you know going into it that your child won't have your hair, won't have your smile, won't have your laugh. Again, I KNEW that going into DE. I researched it. I spoke with counselors. But it was still there. As overjoyed that I was that I was pregnant. It was still there.
Because we were very interested in finding a donor who was willing to meet with the kids when they got older, we were willing to be more 'relaxed' in other areas, such as physical characteristics. While dark hair and fair skin were requirements, I didn't think too much about other attributes, such as eye color. After we got pregnant, I had this small nagging voice in the back of my head......'your children will have blue eyes.' See, I have very dark brown eyes. I come from a family with mostly brown eyes. My husband, however, has lovely blue eyes. The donor? Blue eyes.
And Blue eyes + blue eyes = blue eyes.
Although I would never would have admitted it to anyone at the time, there were moments in between all the joy of actually being pregnant of sadness of my loss of a genetic connection with my kids.
Independent people.
When I would feel sombered by this I would remind myself of....well....me. I would think of myself and say, "I'm a completely independent person from my mother, from my father. As much as I am like them, I am a completely independent person. I make my own choices, I have my own likes and dislikes." As rudimentary as that sounds, sometimes it was a revelation to me. I was my own person. And my children were going to be themselves. There was no guarantee if my husband and I were to have our own genetic children that they would be anything like us. They may love to play football, abhor school, hate art and music, detest science. Although they would share our genes, they were going to their own independent units. And wasn't that what we were hoping for anyway? Didn't we want to raise children who were self-assured. Who knew their own likes and dislikes? Who could make decisions independent of us, their parents?
The answer, of course, was (and still is) yes.
That, in the end, made my pregnancy easier. When those twinges of sadness would arise, it was this that I would focus on.
Coming next....thoughts on DE after having the twins...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Welcome ICLW
Hi ICLW-ers,
To read a little about me, check out my 'Our Journey' page or read from about 3 posts ago.
I am currently writing a series (??) on what my feelings regarding conceiving via Donor Eggs has been like for me, before, during and after having my twin boys. I shall post again as soon as I can. Until then, I look forward to reading some of your stories!
To read a little about me, check out my 'Our Journey' page or read from about 3 posts ago.
I am currently writing a series (??) on what my feelings regarding conceiving via Donor Eggs has been like for me, before, during and after having my twin boys. I shall post again as soon as I can. Until then, I look forward to reading some of your stories!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thoughts on being a DE Mom: part 2, the agency and more
First off, let me say that I am so thrilled at all the comments that people left. I haven't had a lot of time to peruse others blogs recently, but I am absolutely going to visiting soon and I look forward to reading about where you are in your journey. And for those of you that signed up as a 'follower,' well, you made my day. You really did :)
Before I write about my thoughts on DE during and after pregnancy, I thought that it might be of interest to some of you as to how we picked our donor.
Picking a donor the Brenda way: picking an agency to work with
I wouldn't say that we took that long to pick a donor. It seemed like we took much longer to pick an agency. In the state where I live, the hospital does not give you a list of donors to choose from, you can choose whatever donor you like, but it is coordinated through an agency.
Since egg donation is mostly a self-governing field, there was a myriad of donor agencies to choose from. We could pick out agencies that were located in states far from our own, but would fly donors to our clinic (at our cost). We could pick agencies that were headquartered in another state, but had donors in our state. We could choose from an agency that was run by lawyers or those that were run by lay people. The costs seemed to run the gamut as well. When we were looking into DE (2008) the general recommendations were that a donor should only charge $10K or less for compensation for time. The agency fees were not established (nor do I think that they are now).
DH and I thought that we would like to pick a donor in our state, because really, if we weren't going to try to find my exact clone, then it wasn't really worth scouring the world. After talking to agencies, I created a lovely speadsheet complete with URLs of sites, passwords, info on how many donors in our area they had, what there cost structure was, etc. It was very helpful to have all of this in one area so that we could compare. We ended up talking in more detail to 2 agencies. One was run by a lawyer who touted that she followed the general donor egg guidelines (no more than $10K for compensation) and a privately run agency that was run similarly. Both were located in our area.
We spoke to both the women that ran the agencies and gave a description of what we were looking for:
features: dark hair, light skin; preferably of irish/english descent; Local to the area
We left open the age and contact availability for a later time.
While the lawyer proceeded to find us lovely women that were located all over the United States and would be willing to let us fly them and a friend to our clinic. The other agency found us lovely local women who could drive to our clinic. Since the second agency had clearly listened to our requests, we decided to go with them. In short order they had emailed us a list women along with ages, pictures and brief descriptions. We chose a half of a dozen of these women to find out more info about.
Within a few days, a packet was sent to our house which contained the profiles of these 6+ women, including pictures of them as they grew up and their medical histories. I must admit, it was really surreal looking at these women and knowing that we would be asking one of them to donate her eggs. I don't even know how to describe it. It almost felt like.....um...car shopping. I shudder to even say that. It is just that you don't know these women and you are picking a person who is going to help you achieve a dream and they are reduced to facts, figures and numbers. It felt sort of awkward and impersonal. We just prayed that we would make the right decision.
Picking a donor:
After resigning ourselves to the awkwardness of it all, I went through and made my top 4 list. DH did the same. We compared notes and found that we had 3 that overlapped. We inquired about the three, only to find that one was going through a cycle now and that she would likely not be available for a few months. That left 2. Two women of equal worth, either one of which could help us make our dreams come true.
Holly was in her early 20's; looked quite similar to me and was a proven donor.
Renee was in her late 20's; looked a little less like me, was a proven donor, was married and had two children.
We were really looking for someone that was in her mid to late 20's, preferably was a mother herself and would be willing to meet the kids when they turned 18. Upon discussing our preferred requirements with our social worker at the hospital, she told us that finding this woman was nearly impossible. Most of the egg donors are young and wish to remain anonymous. Keeping that in mind, we decided that if either woman was able to donate for us, we would be happy with whatever came our way.
I called the agency and talked to the director, telling her that we like both Holly and Renee very much, but had a couple of questions: 1) Would our donor be willing to meet the kids when they reached 18 and --a curve ball here---2) Would she be willing to meet us?
The director of the agency called back within an hour saying that Holly would prefer to remain anonymous, but Renee would be willing to meet with both us and any future kids! We had our donor!!
Next up: meeting the donor, DE pregnancy and feelings after the kids were born and now.
Also, do you have any questions for me? Are you going through the same things now? Please feel free to ask questions and I will answer them the best I can.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thoughts on being a DE Mom: before the pregnancy
First of all it is wonderful to write that word: Mom.
After all the pain of failed IVF attempts....
I have thought about writing this post for a very long time. Since before the kids were born. I have never put my thoughts down on paper (or, rather, on screen) because I have always thought that I would be able to sum it up in a few neat, well-constructed paragraphs. As I think about this, and as the kids grow, I realize that my perceptions change. My feelings about having kids via DE change. Not dramatically---they just seem to drift slightly to the left or two the right. Like walking on sand. With every step you take you are still going in the same direction, but each footfall doesn't land squarely on the sand and stay there. You feel the sand slide from under your feet and you lurch ever-so-slightly as you regain your solid footing. This is more of a journey than a destination.
DE in the beginning....
We entered the world of DE after my third attempt at IVF. Notice the word attempt. At the end of 2007 my third try at IVF was canceled due to a poor response. The letter from my doctor to sum up the last cycle was full of phrases that included "poor response to stimulation" "most aggressive protocols tried" and "donor oocytes suggested." Not that I was too surprised by the letter's contents. I had been in the IVF forums long enough to see the writing on the wall.
After the final canceled retrieval, I started investigating DE. After the doctor suggested it, I readily agreed consider it. My husband needed more convincing. We spoke to a counselor at the clinic, we read the suggested readings, we talked, we prayed. To be honest, I just couldn't take another disappointment. I wanted something with a solid chance of working. DE gave me that chance, but at a price. The cost was my own genetic connection to my potential children.
For me, the choice itself wasn't hard. What was hard were the consequences of that choice: knowing that I wouldn't have any genetic connection to my kids.
The initial decision-making days were fraught with philosophical questions about should we tell the children? If so, when? How? What kind of donor are we looking for...one that is more like me in my physical traits? In my personality?
My husband and I thought a lot about how we felt when we were teenagers. About how we felt about our sense of self. We decided that we wanted to be as open about this with our potential kids as we could. It is hard enough to make your way in this world without adding layers of complications on it. We decided that we would like to choose someone who shared some of my physical characteristics and personality traits, but that in the end those weren't the most important issues. We had other somewhat intangible desires for an egg donor. We were looking for a woman over 25 (so that she has a better chance of understanding the consequences of her actions), preferably already a mother (again so that she can appreciate what she was doing) and -here was the long shot- someone who would be willing to meet the kids when they turned 18.
We didn't want to hide anything from them. We wanted it to be as shameless as possible. So in the beginning, it was focused on the kids. What they would need to feel emotionally secure with
our choices. I don't want to make myself out as completely altruistic. I mourned the loss of the genetic connection with my kids. I sobbed in the shower so that no one would hear me. My heart was heavy. But it was also filled with hope.....
In the next few days I hope to have up my thoughts on DE during and just after the delivery of the boys. And then finally to where we are now, 20 months into being a mom.
After all the pain of failed IVF attempts....
I have thought about writing this post for a very long time. Since before the kids were born. I have never put my thoughts down on paper (or, rather, on screen) because I have always thought that I would be able to sum it up in a few neat, well-constructed paragraphs. As I think about this, and as the kids grow, I realize that my perceptions change. My feelings about having kids via DE change. Not dramatically---they just seem to drift slightly to the left or two the right. Like walking on sand. With every step you take you are still going in the same direction, but each footfall doesn't land squarely on the sand and stay there. You feel the sand slide from under your feet and you lurch ever-so-slightly as you regain your solid footing. This is more of a journey than a destination.
DE in the beginning....
We entered the world of DE after my third attempt at IVF. Notice the word attempt. At the end of 2007 my third try at IVF was canceled due to a poor response. The letter from my doctor to sum up the last cycle was full of phrases that included "poor response to stimulation" "most aggressive protocols tried" and "donor oocytes suggested." Not that I was too surprised by the letter's contents. I had been in the IVF forums long enough to see the writing on the wall.
After the final canceled retrieval, I started investigating DE. After the doctor suggested it, I readily agreed consider it. My husband needed more convincing. We spoke to a counselor at the clinic, we read the suggested readings, we talked, we prayed. To be honest, I just couldn't take another disappointment. I wanted something with a solid chance of working. DE gave me that chance, but at a price. The cost was my own genetic connection to my potential children.
For me, the choice itself wasn't hard. What was hard were the consequences of that choice: knowing that I wouldn't have any genetic connection to my kids.
The initial decision-making days were fraught with philosophical questions about should we tell the children? If so, when? How? What kind of donor are we looking for...one that is more like me in my physical traits? In my personality?
My husband and I thought a lot about how we felt when we were teenagers. About how we felt about our sense of self. We decided that we wanted to be as open about this with our potential kids as we could. It is hard enough to make your way in this world without adding layers of complications on it. We decided that we would like to choose someone who shared some of my physical characteristics and personality traits, but that in the end those weren't the most important issues. We had other somewhat intangible desires for an egg donor. We were looking for a woman over 25 (so that she has a better chance of understanding the consequences of her actions), preferably already a mother (again so that she can appreciate what she was doing) and -here was the long shot- someone who would be willing to meet the kids when they turned 18.
We didn't want to hide anything from them. We wanted it to be as shameless as possible. So in the beginning, it was focused on the kids. What they would need to feel emotionally secure with
our choices. I don't want to make myself out as completely altruistic. I mourned the loss of the genetic connection with my kids. I sobbed in the shower so that no one would hear me. My heart was heavy. But it was also filled with hope.....
In the next few days I hope to have up my thoughts on DE during and just after the delivery of the boys. And then finally to where we are now, 20 months into being a mom.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Yikes!
Wow, I signed up for ICLW at the beginning of the month and then haven't posted anything! I guess that better change....starting today!
To introduce myself to anyone who doesn't know me, I am a 37 (almost 38...) year old woman, married for 12 years and is hopelessly infertile. We tried unsuccessfully for 8+ years on our own naturally and via IVF with my own eggs to have children. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, uterine fibroids and low ovarian reserve. Just after the turn of 2008 we decided to pursue having children via donor eggs, as this was our best option. Happily in the Fall of 2008 everything came together and we became pregnant with twin boys. After a rocky start, the pregnancy was relatively uneventful and the boys were born in July 2009 at 36 weeks. They have been by far the best and most tiring things in my life.
I have much to write about...things have changed over here. We have moved out of our 1 bedroom apartment to a new house in the 'burbs. (First house!!) Separate room for the kids, ie Hubby and I have our OWN room!
My mother-in-law now lives downstairs instead of in the room next door (yay!)
The boys are 20 months old and are amazing in every way!!
And, through it all, I THINK I am getting a handle on the whole parenting thing. (ha!)
Over the next few days I am going to start addressing some issues of being a DE mom. These are things that I have wanted to talk about for the past, say, 20 months or so, but haven't seemed to get there.
To introduce myself to anyone who doesn't know me, I am a 37 (almost 38...) year old woman, married for 12 years and is hopelessly infertile. We tried unsuccessfully for 8+ years on our own naturally and via IVF with my own eggs to have children. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, uterine fibroids and low ovarian reserve. Just after the turn of 2008 we decided to pursue having children via donor eggs, as this was our best option. Happily in the Fall of 2008 everything came together and we became pregnant with twin boys. After a rocky start, the pregnancy was relatively uneventful and the boys were born in July 2009 at 36 weeks. They have been by far the best and most tiring things in my life.
I have much to write about...things have changed over here. We have moved out of our 1 bedroom apartment to a new house in the 'burbs. (First house!!) Separate room for the kids, ie Hubby and I have our OWN room!
My mother-in-law now lives downstairs instead of in the room next door (yay!)
The boys are 20 months old and are amazing in every way!!
And, through it all, I THINK I am getting a handle on the whole parenting thing. (ha!)
Over the next few days I am going to start addressing some issues of being a DE mom. These are things that I have wanted to talk about for the past, say, 20 months or so, but haven't seemed to get there.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Disbelief
Wiseguy who has probably posted on every single thing I have ever written, who kindly checks up on me when I don't post for a while just found out that she lost her beloved daughter who resulted from a miracle pregnancy 6 years in the making. I am beyond shocked and saddened for her. Sometimes it feels that there is no justice in this world. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and tell her that you are thinking of her in this horrific time.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Melancholy Me: random blatherings
Hmmm. Not sure why I have the doldrums this Christmas season. I feel a bit like I did before I had the kids. That vague (and sometimes not so vague) feeling that something is missing. Infertility "stuff" seems to be weighing heavily on me these days. A very close friend of mine at work is undergoing fertility treatments. Ironic, as it was she just a few years ago that I leaned on so heavily during my cycles.
She has undiagnosed infertility. Her eggs look great. Her husband's sperm are of rockstar status. It just never has seemed to happen for her. She and her husband had timed intercourse, the whole bit. But no pregnancies after a year of concerted trying.
She was eligible for IVF, so she and her husband decided to go for it. I think after seeing all that I went through, she was ready to pull out all of the stops. She stimulated well: 10 eggs and 8 fertilized. Excellent quality. She and her husband have been going back and forth as to whether to transfer two or one embryos. Her husband decidedly does not want twins and she felt that twins would be too much to handle without a greater support system (all of her family lives in India). On transfer day, the transfer doc told them they would be transferring 2 embies, "as per the protocol" for someone her age. She questioned the doc about the chances of having twins and got an interesting reply: He asked her if it was going to be harder to have twins or to get a negative pregnancy result. She and her husband talked about it and decided that the possibility of raising twins would be harder. A negative would not be as bad. They transferred one and she eagerly (and nervously) pushed through her 2ww. I saw her ups and downs. Her good days (sometimes hours) and bad days (hours).
Two days before her beta, I saw her at work. Withdrawn, face sunken. I asked if something was wrong. She said that she thought that she had started her period (our clinic tests betas rather late on dpo17 or so). I was sure she hadn't. Maybe implantation bleeding?, I suggested. She called her nurse and had the beta moved up by a day.
The next morning I saw her at work. This time it looked as though she hadn't slept. Her eyes were puffy. Face swollen. Hair pulled back in a ponytail. "Have you gone in for a test", I asked. "Yes" she replied. She was waiting on the results. The nurse called her that afternoon. Negative. She sobbed. I suggested that she go home and try to get some rest, which she did.
What a horrible, horrible thing IF does to us. This woman is a pillar of strength. I admire the hell out of her. Watching her crumble under the pain and anguish of IF is heartbreaking.
Ironically, watching what she has been going through has given me a bit of a new perspective about my job performance over the previous 3 years (when I was undergoing IF treatment). I wonder, if this strong, capable woman wasn't impervious to the pain of IF and have it affect her work, then perhaps it is OK that it affected mine as well.
Now, with the approach of the holidays, she is waiting for her cycle to be reviewed by the clinic. They meet every Wed to discuss the previous cycles. They also have a backlog, so has taken a few weeks for them to get to her. This will be week #3 after her failed cycle. No word yet on what the clinic recommends.
She told me yesterday that she now has a different answer to the transfer doctor's question of whether it would be worse to get a negative results or to face the possibility of twin. "A negative," she said, "a negative is much worse."
I am thinking of all of you that are still cycling and still hoping. I am hoping with you
She has undiagnosed infertility. Her eggs look great. Her husband's sperm are of rockstar status. It just never has seemed to happen for her. She and her husband had timed intercourse, the whole bit. But no pregnancies after a year of concerted trying.
She was eligible for IVF, so she and her husband decided to go for it. I think after seeing all that I went through, she was ready to pull out all of the stops. She stimulated well: 10 eggs and 8 fertilized. Excellent quality. She and her husband have been going back and forth as to whether to transfer two or one embryos. Her husband decidedly does not want twins and she felt that twins would be too much to handle without a greater support system (all of her family lives in India). On transfer day, the transfer doc told them they would be transferring 2 embies, "as per the protocol" for someone her age. She questioned the doc about the chances of having twins and got an interesting reply: He asked her if it was going to be harder to have twins or to get a negative pregnancy result. She and her husband talked about it and decided that the possibility of raising twins would be harder. A negative would not be as bad. They transferred one and she eagerly (and nervously) pushed through her 2ww. I saw her ups and downs. Her good days (sometimes hours) and bad days (hours).
Two days before her beta, I saw her at work. Withdrawn, face sunken. I asked if something was wrong. She said that she thought that she had started her period (our clinic tests betas rather late on dpo17 or so). I was sure she hadn't. Maybe implantation bleeding?, I suggested. She called her nurse and had the beta moved up by a day.
The next morning I saw her at work. This time it looked as though she hadn't slept. Her eyes were puffy. Face swollen. Hair pulled back in a ponytail. "Have you gone in for a test", I asked. "Yes" she replied. She was waiting on the results. The nurse called her that afternoon. Negative. She sobbed. I suggested that she go home and try to get some rest, which she did.
What a horrible, horrible thing IF does to us. This woman is a pillar of strength. I admire the hell out of her. Watching her crumble under the pain and anguish of IF is heartbreaking.
Ironically, watching what she has been going through has given me a bit of a new perspective about my job performance over the previous 3 years (when I was undergoing IF treatment). I wonder, if this strong, capable woman wasn't impervious to the pain of IF and have it affect her work, then perhaps it is OK that it affected mine as well.
Now, with the approach of the holidays, she is waiting for her cycle to be reviewed by the clinic. They meet every Wed to discuss the previous cycles. They also have a backlog, so has taken a few weeks for them to get to her. This will be week #3 after her failed cycle. No word yet on what the clinic recommends.
She told me yesterday that she now has a different answer to the transfer doctor's question of whether it would be worse to get a negative results or to face the possibility of twin. "A negative," she said, "a negative is much worse."
I am thinking of all of you that are still cycling and still hoping. I am hoping with you
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The little update that could...
I didn't have time for a "real" post, so I thought that I would add a couple of pictures of the boys both pre and post haircuts from this past October.
A. post haircut
These guys are amazing, I hope that they will always know how much I love them...
J standing, A sitting
J post-haircut!
J post-haircut!
A. post haircutThese guys are amazing, I hope that they will always know how much I love them...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sept 29, 2010
1. Supportive/funny husbands: I've starting applying for jobs now and last week sent in two applications. However, I got notices that they were going to "go in another direction" this morning. I emailed my husband to tell him the news and he sent me a pep talk to make me feel better. Then he sent me this
which was good for a laugh!
2. The flu shot clinic last night was packed, but the kids, my husband and I are all immunized for this year! My mother in law started to say something, but we were not in the mood, and she kept her mouth zipped!
3. The kids mostly slept until 6am today. (Although J did get up for his middle of the night snuggle fest with mom.
4. Burritos for lunch--enough said!!
which was good for a laugh!
2. The flu shot clinic last night was packed, but the kids, my husband and I are all immunized for this year! My mother in law started to say something, but we were not in the mood, and she kept her mouth zipped!
3. The kids mostly slept until 6am today. (Although J did get up for his middle of the night snuggle fest with mom.
4. Burritos for lunch--enough said!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Long over due update
Hi, yes, I'm still here if you are still reading.
I thought I would get back into blogging slowly by just starting a "365 days of grace" post. I've been so terribly grumpy, I need it. So here goes.
1. Cooler weather. Although I hate to see the rain, it is nice to have a break from the warmer temperatures. I can't wait to see the leaves change.
2. Baby oragel. Children waking up at 3:45am that can't go back to sleep, but are soothed by the numbing gel....nice.
3. A. loves books. Every morning when I get up with them and in the eve when I come home, he brings me a book to read him. Granted I am getting really tired of reading the same book over and over. Just yesterday, J. started to bring books to me as well!
4. Flu shot clinics. There is a clinic tonight at the pediatrician's office for parents and kids. Since we plan to go to Fl near the end of Oct, I want to get them their flu shots a few weeks before we get on the plane. I got them their first flu shots last winter, so this year they only need one shot each!
5. Supportive husbands. Although my Mother in law generally gripes when she finds out that the kids are getting shots (she is fairly anti-immunization), my hubby said that he backs me up all the way on this and if MIL grouses when she finds out that we are taking them to get their shots, he will step in if need be :) However, I feel pretty confident that I can handle it. My kids, my decision, end of conversation.
I thought I would get back into blogging slowly by just starting a "365 days of grace" post. I've been so terribly grumpy, I need it. So here goes.
1. Cooler weather. Although I hate to see the rain, it is nice to have a break from the warmer temperatures. I can't wait to see the leaves change.
2. Baby oragel. Children waking up at 3:45am that can't go back to sleep, but are soothed by the numbing gel....nice.
3. A. loves books. Every morning when I get up with them and in the eve when I come home, he brings me a book to read him. Granted I am getting really tired of reading the same book over and over. Just yesterday, J. started to bring books to me as well!
4. Flu shot clinics. There is a clinic tonight at the pediatrician's office for parents and kids. Since we plan to go to Fl near the end of Oct, I want to get them their flu shots a few weeks before we get on the plane. I got them their first flu shots last winter, so this year they only need one shot each!
5. Supportive husbands. Although my Mother in law generally gripes when she finds out that the kids are getting shots (she is fairly anti-immunization), my hubby said that he backs me up all the way on this and if MIL grouses when she finds out that we are taking them to get their shots, he will step in if need be :) However, I feel pretty confident that I can handle it. My kids, my decision, end of conversation.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
decisions, decisions
Well, didn't I say that I would be posting more? Well, yeah, not so much huh?
Things have been mostly quiet around here. Mother in law is still here watching the kids during the day. The boys are growing like weeds. We worked through sleep training, so they now (mostly) sleep through the night. They eat solids, real adult food. Both boys are crawling and cruising. I am still working and trying to manage things at home. And in about 5 weeks the boys will be 1 year old! ONE. I cannot believe it......
We are in a weird sort of place now emotionally. I am still working at a job that I have had for the last nearly 5 years. This is usually the type of job that you stay at only about 4 or 5 years. I think I am almost finished with my project. I sincerely hope I am, because the work environment has gotten really cruddy lately.
We are considering a kind of scary proposition. Me finishing up my project and applying for jobs. But if nothing comes up soon, I will be a stay-at-home mom in the interim.
Oh the panic that sets in when I write that....not of taking care of the boys. I can do that. But of me not having a job. I have ALWAYS had a job. Since 16. Even through college. I even picked a profession that paid me a stipend in grad school. My husband has always been the wanderer. The free spirit. He has been the one not tied to any one position. I have always been the steadier one financially. We have always moved to where I was going to school, where I got the job. But now his job is going really well. They are talking a nice promotion (and a decent raise). And I don't know if I will ever get a chance to stay at home with the boys once I start into a "real job." (ie, not working in the lab I do now.) And they are already nearly ONE. And, let's face it, although we have 16 frosties on ice....who knows if I can successfully carry another baby? I have already had 3 major uterine surgeries.....
So, we are facing a big decision. And it is not just the 4 of us. It is MIL too. We help support her financially. So it's not just us to worry about financially. Also, I am not sure if I want two women home during the day. Although that can be quite a help with twins, it can be hard having two "moms" making the decisions. However, I don't want her to think we are kicking her out. She has done a bang up job. But there has been conflict, as you can imagine.
Ugh. I am just rambling. Sorry.
We can definitely float for about 4 months or so w/ our current bills if I don't work....
What to do, what to do...
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